Thursday, June 30, 2011

Peninsula Daily News column, 6-30-11, "Chance to 'help' overcomes pride"

                “Pride cometh before a fall,” we’ve been told; well, nothing can hurt your pride (and other relevant body parts) like falling over, but, no – I’m not going to go on about “fall prevention,” although it puts more of us in nursing homes and morgues than you might care to know.
                No, today I’m going to go on about “pride” – And independence. And fear.
                And “help.”
                Not long ago I was contacted by the son of a local gal. The son lives in another state with a family, a job and a life, and he obviously loves his mother.
                He contacted me looking for help for his Mom, because he thought she might be “slipping;” you know, maybe not remembering everything, maybe not eating so well, maybe not getting the house work done, and…Maybe not remembering everything, like medical appointments! – And maybe not being able to get around, anymore, and maybe…not…maybe.
                We talked on the phone for a while. As it turned out, he and his sister, who lives in another state with a family, a job and a life and, as it turned out, obviously loves her mother, were going to be in town soon, so maybe we could get together and get into a bit more detail about “help.” Sure! And maybe your mom could join us.
                Well, she did, and, as it turns out, she and I had talked about this-and-that at one or two of our events, in the past – No, we don’t hang-out together on weekends, but we were certainly able and quick to say, “Hi-how-are-ya?”
                We talked. They talked. I paid particular attention to what Mom had to say; so, what’s my “take” on Mom? Well, maybe a little early memory loss and maybe a bit of relatively “minor” confusion, but alert, bright, quick to laugh and able to pretty much follow the conversation, but I’m no diagnostician.
                We talked. They talked. Son and daughter, who obviously love their mother, wanted Mom to get help at home as soon as possible, so we talked about homecare agencies and home-delivered meals and transportation and blah blah – Even “housing options,” which is a euphemism for things like assisted living facilities, etc – But mostly we talked about help at home: homecare agencies, private providers, etc – Help at HOME.
                The kids were respectful of Mom’s independence, but the kids were also afraid for her – I don’t blame them.
                Mom took all this “help at home” talk with something less than unbridled enthusiasm: She smiled a lot and nodded a lot and kidded a bit and pointed out all the things that she was doing for herself, thank-you-very-much, but mostly she smiled a lot and nodded a lot. I started focusing, pretty much exclusively, on Mom and Mom started talking, more-or-less exclusively, to me; sometimes, it’s easier to do that with a stranger.
                Mom and I both knew what would happen: The kids had families and jobs and lives in other states, and soon they would have to go home, and all of this would go away. Mom was doing a great job of “getting through it.”
                So, I negotiated with Mom: “What’s the hardest thing for you to get done these days?” Vacuuming!” (Note: Vacuuming is often a biggie, because it’s hard work – Especially in a split-level home)…”Well, and on some days, getting the laundry up and down those stairs…” Other than that, everything was fine.
                You could hear the kids’ eyes roll.
                Here’s what Mom and I negotiated: She and the kids would contact all of the local homecare agencies for prices, “minimums,” procedures, etc (Note: The kids were footing the bills), and find one who could send in someone in just to help with the vacuuming and the laundry: “Hey, look: If she rubs you the wrong way, you can always fire her or get somebody else.” While Mom’s unbridled enthusiasm remained – Distinctly! – Bridled, she saw the same thing that I saw: A way out.
                A way to ameliorate the kids and get them out-of-town and off-her-back, without seeming ungrateful or making them angry: “I can live with that.” She smiled.
                The kids didn’t, but they saw the same thing that I saw, which was that this was as good as this was going to get, and that’s what did, ultimately, occur.
                The other thing that occurred was that the kids – Who obviously love their Mother! – Were a bit disgusted with me. They expected, and wanted, me to be on their “side” – To see that Mom needed help and to help them talk her into “help.” Here’s why I didn’t do that: It almost never works.
                We come charging in, set up all kinds of “help” (because we obviously love our mothers) then go back to our families, our lives and our jobs, and as soon as Mom figures that your plane has landed, she fires everybody and stops everything and resolves to NEVER go through that AGAIN!
                It’s about independence and it’s about fear, but for today, it can just be about “pride.”
                Here’s what I got: A chance. There was a chance that the homecare aide who came in to help Mom with the vacuuming and the laundry would be a good, decent, pleasant, respectful person – They often are.
                And there was a chance that they would become “friends,” so there was a chance that, as time went on, Mom might be open to a little more help with a few other things. And there was a chance that homecare aide would become the eyes-and-ears in Mom’s house – A decent person who could see how Mom was really doing.
                And there was a chance that Mom might even call me to talk “it” over, so I was willing to take a chance at having a chance, rather than know darned-good-and-well that Mom would blow-up the whole darned thing before the kids got through airport security.
                We’ll see. I don’t blame the kids for being disgusted with me, because they didn’t get the “help” they thought they wanted. Mom got more “help” than she thought she wanted, but she could live with it.
                And, happily, I got the only thing that I wanted: A chance.
                “Help” only helps if the person being “helped” thinks it helps; otherwise, it’s just another annoyance, and we all know how we deal with annoyances.
                Pride is important.
                Respect is important.
                Love is important.
                I’ll take my chances.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Peninsula Daily News column, 6-23-11, "Speak your piece on Alzheimer's site"

                Toward the end of last year (2010 – I know, it was a long time ago!), in my characteristically humble and self-effacing style, I realized that I’d had a really good idea, so decided to share it with all of you. My “really good idea” was to just get rid of Alzheimer’s disease, once and for all – That’s right: Eliminate it.
                Well, sure, I realized that there wasn’t a lot of “loose change” lying around, but a crisis is a CRISIS! – And since we’ve done it before, when we put our collective, national mind to it (think, polio, for one), let’s just eliminate this scourge that takes an unbelievable daily toll in human suffering, for people with Alzheimer’s, certainly, but for their families and caregivers, as well.
                It is not all that unusual, in my world, for the caregiver to work herself or himself into the ground (literally!), and be the “first to go.” Enough: End this thing.
                Well! While I would have told you, in my characteristically humble and self-effacing style, that it was highly unlikely for me to underestimate me, apparently I did, because – In a matter of days! – Congress passed, and on January 4, 2011, the President signed into law, the “National Alzheimer’s Project Act.”
                “You’re welcome,” he said, humbly.
                So, now what? The Alzheimer’s Association, which has been all over this thing from the beginning, is asking to hear from real people – People who have been or are being impacted by Alzheimer’s – What exactly ought to be included in the national strategy to put an end to this thing.
                Sure, we all want “THE cure” or the vaccine or whatever (but don’t hesitate to tell them that), but there’s more to it, and if you’ve walked-the-walk, you know it: What about “respite?” Or “social daycare?” Or “caregiver support?” Or transportation? Or…?
                Nobody – I repeat, NOBODY! – Knows as much about Alzheimer’s disease as the folks who live with it, and try to deal with it, every day, day-after-day, all day long. Nobody.
                So, here is the question that the Alzheimer’s Association would like you to respond to: “What is the greatest challenge, frustration or concern you have about Alzheimer’s that you want the National Alzheimer’s Plan to address?”
                Yes, I know what those words say, but I’ll bet you can have more than one.
                If you’ve dealt with the Alzheimer’s Association, you know that they “know,” and they care, so tell them: Go to www.alz.org/napa and speak your piece.
                And, by the way, if you and/or yours are dealing with Alzheimer’s, www.alz.org is an amazing source of information and support for real people who are doing the real work.
                Speak up – Please.
                Now, let’s try something different since, as previously noted, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of loose change lying around, and since it was “news” to me, I humbly presume that it will be “news” to you.
                “EyeCare America” is a public service program of the American Academy of Ophthalmology, and they will provide a comprehensive, medical eye exam and up to one year of care as no out-of-pocket cost, for any disease diagnosed during that exam, if you’re eligible. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is, “No. They will not provide free eyeglasses,” but that doesn’t mean that you might not need the help.
                Who’s eligible? Anyone 65 or better who hasn’t seen an ophthalmologist in three years or more, doesn’t belong to an HMO or have eye care through the Veteran’s Administration (VA). These volunteer ophthalmologists will waive co-payment and unmet deductibles and accept Medicare and/or other insurance reimbursements as payment in full. No insurance, no charge.
                OR, if you don’t “fit” the above, but you’re at increased risk for glaucoma due to age, race or family history, and haven’t had an eye exam in 12 months or more, you might be eligible to get a free glaucoma eye exam, if you’re uninsured.
                What do you do? You get on the computer, or have someone get on a computer on your behalf, and go to www.eyecareamerica.org where you’ll: (1) accept the program guidelines; (2) work through the questionnaire; (3) record the confirmation number. Period.
                I did it. The web site is simple and “friendly,” (by the way, there’s a quite a bit of good, straightforward info there, too) and the questionnaire took about 5 minutes. I kept expecting it to ask me about income or assets, but it never did. It does ask about insurance – Fair enough.
                Look (he said, talking about eye care), some of us can use all the help we can get so we don’t end up needing more help, so if this sounds at all like it could do you some good, why not? If you don’t have a computer and don’t know anyone who does (or who you are comfortable asking) call any of the numbers at the end of this column and decent people will help you, for free. And they won’t try to sell you anything, because we don’t have anything to sell.
                So, let’s conclude the day with the obvious observation that, YES! I probably am the most incredibly and inspirationally HUMBLE person there ever was!
                …aw, shucks…

Friday, June 17, 2011

Peninsula Daily News column 6-16-11, "Whether or not a 'father', thank you"

            The day after the day after tomorrow is Father’s Day. Being big on equality, I concluded that since I’d given in to the temptation to write a column about Mother’s Day, it was only fair that I write a column about Father’s day, so off I went to write a column about fathers and Father’s Day.
            …uh…hmm: Why is that…harder?
            Father’s Day seems to lack the almost universal emotional appeal of Mother’s Day. Oh, sure, we can (again) write it all off  to more commercial hype, another manufactured reason to spend money, blah blah…But the fact is, that didn’t stop us on Mother’s Day; at least, not for long.
            Why is this harder?
            For Mother’s Day, guilt and the reality of our lives notwithstanding, we could get away with flowers and/or flowery cards and/or flowery meals or whatever, because it’s all about emotion and love and nurturing and softness and laughter and tears and…You know: Mothers.
            Then along comes Father’s Day and all that flower-stuff is replaced with a…wrench? See? It’s harder.
            Maybe it’s because many of us grew up without a father on hand – Or wished we had. Maybe he was gone a lot – Or even left! – Or we wished he had. Maybe he was a loud-mouthed, abusive, ignorant jerk – Or, maybe, we’d have thought we were lucky if that was all that he was.
            Or maybe he was just…gone: Gone because he had to be. Gone because that was the only he knew to take care of his family. Or maybe he was “gone” when he was there, immersed from choice in “guy-stuff” – Whatever, but gone is “gone.”
            …hmm…You know, it’s easier to write about what’s “wrong” with fathers, and maybe that just reflects my own story, which is simply another story about “gone.”
            I think most of us are old enough to have figured out that “fatherhood” has little to do with the ability to make babies, because pretty much any idiot can do that, so it has to be more about what happens after the fun part – After a little one has shown up…Oops.
            And most of us who did grow up with an onsite father probably didn’t grow up with Ward Cleaver, the ever-patient, ever-gentle, soft-spoken provider, Ward Cleaver, although you have to wonder about the true nature of any father who would allow his own offspring to be called “Beaver;” no, not likely, but some of us, apparently, came darned close. Good for you.
            Fatherhood – Actually being a “father,” beyond the biological contribution – Seems to have more to do with strength and tenacity: Protecting, providing, making safe…Teaching.
            Teaching what it takes to survive in the world, so we can survive in the world. Teaching us about how the world will see us – Who we are, from the world’s point of view – Because that’s where we will have to live. Teaching, everyday, about what it will take – Everyday – To live. What we’ll have to do and how to do it.
            Teaching.
            Sometimes, teaching is done by explaining – Talking things through, until we understand – And, sometimes, over and over and over…Often, though, this teaching-thing is done by example, because we learn from what we see, so you can talk from now until forever, but if I see you doing something different, that’s what I’ll remember, and that’s what I’ll learn, which is how bad things get carefully handed down from generation to generation…
            But it’s also how good things get handed down – Get taught, because we learn from what we see.
            Some of us – Many of us! – Have had male figures in our lives who took the time to teach – To show us, to allow us to try, to allow us to fail, to correct us, to allow us to try again, to correct us again, without rejecting us – Without making us feel stupid – Patiently, because he understood that we had to learn, because we had to survive in the world. We had to be able to ask questions. We had to experiment and take chances and take risks. We had to practice and we had to be coached, and we, often, had to totally screw “it” up before we could get “it” right.
            And we had to be able to do all of that in the presence of someone we respected, someone who wouldn’t give up on us – Someone who would push us, without pushing us away. Someone who would demand that we learn what it takes to survive in the world, so we could survive in the world.
            Maybe that someone was our biological father, and maybe not; most likely, if we were lucky, we had several, and if we’re really lucky, we still do, but we remember the ones that acted like “fathers,” whether or not he had anything to do with the “fun part.”
            Males – Men! – Who were sure enough of themselves, and gentle enough and generous enough to teach – To lead – To help us get to where we needed to be. Men who gave away their time, because some other man had given his time to him, because that’s how good things get handed down.
            Men who had figured out – Or been taught – That it’s OK to love, and to say so and to show it, because their ability to make babies isn’t compromised by it. Men who understood that it isn’t really about Clint Eastwood macho or blazes of glory or stupefying feats of stupefying violence, but what it is about is the everydayness of surviving in the world. And doing it as a decent human being.
            Men who taught us that, at the end of the day, you have to walk away feeling OK about you.
            So, whether or not you were my father, you were my “father,” and I thank you – And love you – For that, and may Father’s Day be as good to you as you were to me.
            Here’s a wrench.  

Friday, June 10, 2011

Peninsula Daily News column 6-9-11, "Debt collection made easy -- and safe"

            Last week I recounted the story of a reader who had received a very “official looking” packet of paper from some entity that she’d never heard of, blessing her with the news that she owed them $800+ AND announcing that she’d been “pre-approved” for several discounted pay-back arrangements.
            That particular reader is so convinced that this “debt,” and its accompanying attempt at “collection,” is bogus that she’s turned it into the Post Office as “mail fraud,” so the take-away for most of us was to be vigilant about stuff like this because, these days, pretty much anybody can generate “official looking” paper and wait for us sheep to send money. Good advice.
            But another reader, who has “been there,” also points out that, especially these days in this economy, we all need to know what our rights are regarding “debt collection,” because…well, because it isn’t pretty; or, we at least need to know where to look to find out what our rights are, and to remember that we aren’t alone, that there is help and that, sometimes, mistakes are made.
            VERY good advice, so I’ll tell you where I’d start looking, which is where I always start looking: http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/ and click on the icon that says “Consumer & Debt,” with a large, black “$.” I’ve mentioned this web site to you before: It’s free, it’s “public,” it’s developed by the Northwest Justice Project and it’s a virtual wonderland of legal information on all kinds of topics, written in language that folks like us can actually understand, so don’t take my word for any of this – Go look for yourself.
            I also know that debt collection can be, at best, annoying and, at worst, terrifying, so I’m going to hit a few of the high points on this tough topic, but please remember that I’m looking at the same web site that you can look at, so this isn’t magical, mysterious or “insider” knowledge, OK?
            OK, now: Collection agencies are regulated by the state and the Feds, and there are laws that protect us “debtors” who are being contacted by them. If a collection agency first contacts me by phone, the first thing I’m going to do is insist that they contact me in writing, because that first written notice has to contain certain information, like:
  • The name and address of the collection agency;
  • The amount of the debt, stating the original debt and a breakdown of other costs plus interest;
  • The name of the creditor to whom the debt is owed;
  • A statement that, unless I dispute the debt within 30 days after I get the notice, the agency will assume that the debt is valid;
  • A statement that, if requested within 30 days, the collector will provide the name of the original creditor, if different from the collector, and…
  • …a statement that if I notify the collector within 30 days that I dispute the debt, the collection agency will get verification of the debt and mail it to me.
That’s good, because if I’ve notified them in writing that I disagree with any portion of the debt, the collector has to stop everything until they have proof that I owe it and send that proof to me. I’d keep copies of everything and, if at all possible, I’d send all of my communications by certified mail, return receipt requested.
Maybe I wish you had a sample letter to go by? There’s one on the web site; and, obviously, there could be any number of reasons that I’d dispute a debt, right? OK.
Now, how could I stop a collection agency from contacting me? Well, I’d notify them in writing – And YES, there’s a form letter for that on the site – But that won’t make the debt go away, IF I owe it – It just means that we’ll probably end up in court.
Another “high point” is what property and income is protected from debt collection, right? Well, social security, for one; also, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), private pensions, unemployment compensation, $125,000 if equity in my home, my personal belongings (up to a point) and my care (up to a point), to name a few.
And what can’t a collection agency do? Well, they can’t:
  • Threaten to tell my employer or neighbors about the debt, or actually do it;
  • Call between 9:00 p.m. and 7:30 a.m. (in Washington);
  • Communicate with me or my spouse more than three times in a single week, or…
  • …send a notice that deliberately looks like a government document or a telegraphic or “emergency” message…
…just to name a few.
I’m going to keep everything I get from the collection agency – Including the envelopes! – In one place, along with copies of everything that I’ve sent to them. I’m going to makes notes of EVERY phone call from them, including the date, time, subject(s) discussed and names of anyone/everyone involved in the conversation. I’m going to record the details of anytime they contact someone other than me, and anything else I can think of, keeping them in chronological order and trying to make sure that I could actually understand my notes a week from now.
There’s no way I can recount to you everything on the http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/ web site on this topic, and there’s no reason to, because it’s there and it’s free. The point for today is that you know – Like I know – That we do have rights, we do have some protections and there is help and information out there.
In my experience with businesses, corporations and financial/lending institutions, I’ve found that if I see that I’m going to have a “problem” paying a debt that I owe, and I contact them as soon as I see that coming and communicate honestly, I can almost always make a “deal” that everyone can live with, thus avoiding this kind of hassle, embarrassment and fear. The trick is to be proactive, be honest and then follow-through on what I committed to do.
To quote a public service announcement that most of us have heard, “…nothing is worse than doing nothing.” That’s true, so do something.
Where there’s life, there’s hope.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Peninsula Daily News column 6-2-11, "In complex world, greed finds a way"

            Greed is an amazing thing, but that isn’t news.
            Pretty much, it seems that if there’s way to get blood out of a turnip, or any money out of any of us, someone will find a way to do it.
            Or try.
            And that indomitable entrepreneurial spirit doesn’t always limit itself to the common confines of “legality.”
            It feels to me, sometimes, that cons, scams and what-nots have almost gotten easier as our world had gotten more and more complex. You can start with the Internet and e-mail and social media and robo-calls and desktop publishing, but that’s not all there is to it. The financial world in which most of us attempt to function has become, it seems, infinite and monolithic: This business is owned by that holding company, which is part of this corporation, and they bought something from so-and-so, repackaged it and sold it to somebody else, who called it something else and tried to sell it back to us!
            …or something like that.
            And, after a while, we can sort of glaze over – Whatever! – And just hope that we don’t end up being on the wrong end of someone else’s greed.
            I get it – Me, too – But we all need to know about this:
            Recently, a reader who will remain nameless received a very official-looking packet of information from a very official-sounding “company.” Several pages proceed to detail the “fact” that she owes them $889.70, with absolutely no reference as to what she might owe them $889.70 for.
            It conspicuously proclaims the “good news” that she has been “pre-approved” for a discount program designed to save her money and advises her to “…act now to maximize your savings and put this debt behind you.” Specifically, she could select Option 1 (40% off!) and pay a mere $533.82! Or, it appears, she could select Option 2 and skate by with 6 monthly payments of “only” $118.62! Or, if all else fails, our reader could opt for Option 3, and get by with monthly payments as low as $50 per month, and recommends she call “today” to discuss her options.
            Conveniently, a payment coupon was enclosed, as was an account number, an original account number, a phone number and a couple of addresses, depending upon whether she wanted to talk, or just send money. The “original creditor” is named – A bank, with a lot of initials in its name, and the word, “Nevada;” apparently, what happens in Nevada does NOT, necessarily, stay there.
            (Note: I just found a third address! These people are everywhere!)
            Finally, there is an important-looking disclosure that says: “IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE INFORMATION: This is a communication from a debt collector. This is an attempt to collect a debt. Any information obtained will be used for that purpose.”
            Wow.
            Now, our reader, who does not seem to me addled, confused or demented, is adamant that she has never heard of these people, OR the “original creditor” and sure as you-know-what does NOT owe them $889.70! – In fact, she is so sure that she took her official-looking packet to the Post Office, who hadn’t seen anything like it, but asked her to fill-out a form for “Mail Fraud.”
            She has.
            Can I absolutely assure you – Or her, or myself, for that matter – That this isn’t, somehow, a “legitimate” debt? Well, no, because “…this business is owned by that holding company, which is part of this corporation, and they bought something from so-and-so, repackaged it and sold it to somebody else, who called it something else and tried to sell it back to us!”
            But I sure-as-heck can’t assure you that it is, either! And this gal has the chutzpah to say, rather vocally, I DON’T THINK SO!
            Good for her.
            So, what should the rest of us take away from this? Well, for one thing, the realization that we have been lulled-and-dulled into a mind-set of accepting whatever comes at us because it’s all too complex and only “they” understand “it,” so I’ll just do what somebody seems to be telling me to do because “they” must be right and…
            …and GEE! It looks so…official!
            We’re not children, we’re not stupid and, at last census, most of us aren’t sheep. We’re reasonably intelligent human beings who have managed, somehow, to get this far, so we are allowed to say, “WHAT?! Explain this to me slowly, and in excruciating detail, or take your ‘pre-approved discount program’ and…” Well, you get it.
            Yes, that might inconvenience someone and, Yes, I suppose, it might even annoy someone – GEE! I’m so sorry.
            Or it might make them look for greener pastures somewhere else – Pre-approved discount program and all.