Thursday, February 23, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 2-23-12 "Caregivers' stress leads to strength"

            Good Morning! Are we ready to move on to the next thing? How about moving on to the same old thing? – Like, caregiving…?
            I know, but just give me a minute. Let’s start by agreeing upon our same old (well, OK, my same old) definition of a caregiver, alright? A caregiver is somebody who is taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not. There.
            And what do we know about this thing called “caregiving?” Especially those of us who have walked (or are walking) the walk? We know that it takes a toll. We also know that, for some, it can be a supreme act of love, of loyalty and of commitment. It can give us reason – Purpose – And, Yes: Fulfillment. It can be, in those ways, the best of times.
            We also know that it’s unbelievably stressful! – Exhausting, worrisome, never-ending, ever-changing, too much too fast, no time for “me” – STRESSFUL! And in the most extreme cases, the caregiver is the first to go. It doesn’t happen to all of us, but it isn’t unusual. The worst of times.
            Well, listen to this: Some researchers in Massachusetts have compiled some data that suggests that there could actually be some health benefits from caregiving! I know, but just give me a minute.
            Comparing two groups of women with an average age of early-to-mid 80’s – Caregivers vs. non-caregivers – The caregivers were, indeed, more stressed! They also had lower mortality rates. Yup. And even those who were classified as “high-intensity caregivers” (we don’t know exactly what that means, but most of us could make an educated guess) did better at their walking pace, grip strength and the speed with which they could rise from a chair!
            Cognitively (meaning, their minds), the caregiver crowd did significantly better on memory tests than the “non’s,” scoring more like folks 10 years younger! What are we to make of this?? A bit counterintuitive??
            Some of us are reading this and thinking, “No kidding.” Sure: For one thing, when there’s a choice in a family about who will become the “caregiver,” who’s it likely to be, the sick one? The weak one? Not usually.
            Get up faster from a chair? Walk quicker? I’ll bet! Because they have to…Whether they like it or not.
            Minds are sharper? Probably, because guess who’s managing the household, managing the meds, juggling the appointments, handling the money and the taxes and…Administering treatments, changing treatments, helping with exercises, cooking, cleaning and answering the phone? Right.
            And the laundry is endless.
            So, what comes to mind? The old saw about “…whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…?” Well, YES! Except that, sometimes, it can kill you, but as a crowd, we are (apparently) tougher, stronger, faster and smarter, so let’s try to remember that the next time the cousin from out-of-state starts running that “Oh-I-just-feel-so-SORRY-for-you” routine. Yeah, right.
            So, should we all run out and become caregivers so we can be tougher, stronger, faster and smarter?...uh. maybe not, but maybe this ought to remind us that we had better take care of ourselves, if we’re going to keep functioning at this pace: Eat, occasionally. Sleep, occasionally. Talk to somebody besides yourself and the person you’re caring for, occasionally and when you need help, ask for it.
 And around here, one way to do that would be to call Carolyn at 417-8554 or Susie at 374-9496 or Heaven at 379-4421. It could make you stronger, and in this caregiving business, only the strong survive.
And while we’re on the subject of caregivers and caregiving, I recently spent some time with a room full of full-time caregivers, and the subject of durable powers of attorney came up; specifically, the realization on the part of some present that while they did, in fact, have a DPOA for the person they were caring for, there was no “back-up” – In other words, if the caregiver went down for the 3rd time, who could step into the DPOA role? Nobody.
And where does that leave us, besides alone? Right: Somebody, somewhere looking at a guardianship.
Oops.
I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking, “I don’t have time to go do another thing!”
You’re also thinking, “…but I don’t have time NOT to!”
And that’s what makes you tougher, stronger, faster and smarter.
           
           

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 2-16-12 "Last chapter of boomer primer on life"

            I changed my mind, but this is Earth, so I can do that.
            When I started this whole “Boomer Primer” thing, about the whole “aging thing,” I had a kinda-sorta “plan,” and the last chapter of the Boomer Primer was going to be about “What to Do When a Death Occurs” – Makes sense, right? “Last chapter,” and all that?
            But I changed my mind, because there will be plenty of Sundays in the future to brighten up with that happy prospect, and I don’t want to conclude this whole thing on aging with death. I want to conclude it with life.
            We hear so much about the downsides of aging and all its complications and pratfalls and pitfalls and complexities and losses and…help. And look who’s talking! I go on about “help” incessantly! But that’s not all there is to it; in fact, it (they, them…whatever) isn’t the biggest part and it CERTAINLY isn’t the best part!
            The “best part,” at least according to the hundreds of people who have taken the time to teach me, is growing up.
            And, with any luck at all, becoming a bit more child-like, in the process.
            Leaving behind petty worries, petty jealousies and ego problems. Cashing-in territoriality for inclusion. Understanding that competition can be fun, as long as it doesn’t matter who wins or loses.
            The people who have taught me have taught me that it doesn’t matter what you are – It matters who you are, and people can feel that: The age or the color or the accent or the clothing or the little ways we find to decorate ourselves don’t matter – What matters is sincerity and gentleness and honesty and caring.
            Civility matters. Courtesy matters. Understanding that I can like you (or, at least, accept you) without agreeing with you, matters.
            Humor matters, and the funniest things walking around are ourselves.
            Know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. Know when to speak up and know when to shut up. And know that people who talk about being “wise,” usually aren’t.
            Accepting that you didn’t get it all “right” – That there were things you are ashamed of – But learning to live without shame, or shaming.
            Learning patience. I know that seems odd, especially if you think of “aging” as having less and less time all the time…I need to HURRY! You need to HURRY! I don’t have time!
            Patience isn’t sloth and patience isn’t “old” – Patience is the acceptance of our place in the Universe, and an abiding faith in it.
            And learning faith, whatever that means to you. Having seen it all and done it all, faith – An acknowledgement of patterns and cycles and change and inevitability. Trust. Experience. The ability to see what has always been in front of you. Faith.
            The ability to be amazed! Wonder-struck! Fascinated by the mundane! To ask “why,” and taking the time to listen to the answer – When there is one.
            The gift of being excited about a gift! Curious, anticipating the concealed surprise! Joy! Laughter!
            And the ability to take a nap when you’re sleepy.
            And eat when you’re hungry.
            To find special people when you’re lonely, and to be alone when you’re not.
            Learning to learn and learn and learn, but being selective about it because we quit caring about the “in” crowd a long time ago.
            And that power is a tool, not an end.
            Many of the Elders that I know and have known spend a considerable amount of time looking back. They do that as a way of celebrating, of honoring and of understanding where “here” is – When “now” is. A way of seeing that the road to “here” is still the road to “there,” because there is no “there,” so embracing the road.
            The path. We’re only here, I’ve heard it said, to leave the way we came. You either bend or you break.
            Freedom isn’t just another word – It’s unloading monkey after monkey from that tired, old back and being glad for the lighter load – Baggage is for airports.
            The ability to laugh and celebrate and lighten-up and not take everything SO seriously! And the ability to still be offended by offensive things, like cruelty and selfishness and greed and dishonesty.
            The ability to teach what’s important and what isn’t, while still remembering how you looked at that age.
            And maybe it’s the time when you can cease to be embarrassed by those scars and start being proud of them.
            So, I think the question at the end of an “aging thing” isn’t what do you do when a death occurs, it’s “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 2-9-12 "Make life a journey with no regrets"

            Do you realize how far we’ve come with this whole “Boomer Primer” thing? We’ve talked about mortality and retirement and money and wills and paperwork and and and…AND, do you realize how much we’ve aged since we started talking about this “aging thing?” Well, we started in late summer – OK, true, we’ve taken a few “side trips” here and there, but the fact is that we’re older than we were when we started all this.
            Funny, how that goes.
            So we’ve done (or thought about doing) all of this hyper-responsible stuff, and somewhere in the back of our minds (or the front of our minds) we’re beginning to think, “Geez…This ‘aging thing’ is a lot of work! And it’s not sounding like a lot of fun…Isn’t there a…”
            …bright side? Of course there is! There are lots of “bright sides,” so let’s play with one of them; specifically, the one that has come to be known as the “bucket list.”
            In case you don’t get the reference, it just means the-list-of-things-I-absolutely-want-to-do-before-I-kick-the-bucket. So, let your heretofore hyper-responsible mind wander a bit.
            Many of us associate this idea with rather remarkable, dramatic or exotic adventures, like scuba-diving off the coast of Costa Rico or para-sailing over Pompeii or skateboarding through Tibet or…whatever. Others want to write the “Great American Novel” or paint the portrait that will wipe that smile off the “Mona Lisa” or invent windshield wipers for glasses or…You get it. And if you have anything like that on your “bucket list,” by ALL means, DO IT! And, by the way, you might want to start planning for that now, but let me ask you one, simple question, first, OK?
            Really?
            Is tubing down the Amazon so important to you that, if you found yourself on your deathbed tomorrow, you’d feel bad about not having done it? If the answer is YES, then (again), DO IT! But for many of us, we kind of feel like we’re supposed to have some Indiana-Jones-style adventure in mind…Do you want to hear the truth? Most of us don’t. If most of us were doing the “deathbed” scenario right now and we hadn’t piloted a 747 into Paris for lunch, most of us would shrug: “Yeah, well, it really isn’t that big a deal…”
            No, for many of us, it isn’t. You know what tends to be a much bigger deal? Making our lives…right.
            Like, sitting down with our life partner, holding both hands, and saying, “Do you know how much I always have, and do, love you?” Or making amends with the estranged daughter or letting the son who didn’t become the major league pitcher know how proud you really are of him. Or spending an hour in the sun at your mother’s grave or leaving a healthy annuity for that “special needs” grandchild.
            Or finally confronting that addiction or adopting three stray dogs or reading the Bible cover-to-cover or watching the sun come up behind the Washington Monument or thanking all the people you should have thanked or apologizing to all the people who deserved apologies or telling the truth, when it’s kind and keeping your mouth shut, when it isn’t.
            Learning patience, acceptance and tolerance – And proving it.
            And on and on and on. There’s nothing wrong with the Great Adventure, and maybe the Great Adventure is a two-week vacation to Rome for the honeymoon you never had – Good!
            It doesn’t matter what’s on your “list,” but (again) here’s the test: If you suddenly learned that you were going to be checking out of Earth in six months, what would you regret NOT doing (and No: Going back to age 16, knowing everything you know now, is NOT an option)? You have to be here, now – That’s the rule.
            And here’s one more reassurance: You may not have a “bucket list;” oh, sure, you could make-up a bunch of weird stuff, but the truth is that you’re pretty content with your life and grateful for it, you did the best you could to “make your peace” along the way, you got your “ya-ya’s” out when the getting was good, so now you fill-up every day doing the best job of being “you” you can do. Good for you.
            Now, deciding to retire or not, how much money you do-or-don’t have, physical health and whatever else may well effect all of this, but if you know the things that are REALLY important to you to get done pre-exit, you’ll find a way.
            Don’t screw this up! – Because, after 25 years in this business I love, here’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard: “I wish I had…”

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 2-2-12 "Depression not a time to go it alone"

            Yeah, I’m back: “Boomer Primer,” “Things to Think About” or anticipate or not be surprised by or whatever – I think we’ve all figured this out by now, so let’s proceed.
            Here’s a shocker: Today I want to talk about something that almost nobody ever wants to talk about, as opposed to all the other things that we’ve been talking about that almost everybody can hardly wait to talk about. Today I want to talk about “depression,” and No: This will NOT be an exercise in global financial mismanagement.
            “Depression,” as in “I’m depressed.” And why do I want to put a sparkle into your Sunday by talking about depression? Because it happens, and it happens a lot to a lot of us as we get older, whether we like it or not, which begs the definition of “depression.”
            Why? Could be any number of things; for instance, for those of us who have managed to survive to an age where “aging” is even a concept, the fact is that we’ve experienced loss – And probably a fair amount of it: Loved ones, pets, jobs, opportunities, physical acumen, that reassuring belief that there’s “always tomorrow” to mend our ways or our fences or our bridges.
            Or hope.
            Believe it: If we’re still here, we’ve lost stuff; then, maybe, some magic age comes along (60, 65, 75, 96 – Whatever) and we suddenly realize that there may not always be a tomorrow – That we won’t really live forever and that we don’t really have forever.
            I know that sounds ridiculous, in a way, because we all “know” that, in our heads, but we don’t always know it in our…hearts, or wherever we keep such things. We can’t imagine life without us – Me – It’s all we know, so we’ve just kept putting one foot in front of the other, believing in tomorrow, so some magic age number comes out of nowhere and BOOM! – I’m going to die someday!
            Yeah, you are. So am I.
            And we’re afraid of what might happen between here and there.
            Yeah, you are. So am I.
            Or maybe our lives have changed, an easy example being “retirement.” Oh sure, we revel in it, at least for a while, but sometimes for some of us, we can start missing that reassuring routine, that sense of purpose – Of contributing.
            Or, it could be our bodies and metabolisms change – That happens, you know – Or it could be any combination of the above, including ALL of the above, or about a million other things, but the fact is that depression happens.
            Will it happen to all of us? No. Will it happen to enough of us to make it worth talking about? Yes.
            I’m not talking about a “bad day” or a “bad mood” or the blues or the blahs or just feeling kind of down. I’m talking about a feeling – Not a good feeling! – That doesn’t go away; OK, it may come and go, and I’m not necessarily talking about a feeling that is so debilitating that you just sit and stare into nothingness, although that happens, too! I’m talking about a sad, kind of purposeless, hopeless spiritless feeling that keeps coming back. You know.
            So, what do you do? You do…Something! Tell your doctor what you’re feeling – He or she can help you understand what is or isn’t happening, and…Who knows? It might be some other physical/medical thing that needs to be addressed. Or go to a counselor or a therapist or a clinic or…Do SOMETHING! Because the fact is that depression is very treatable and, for many of us, only needs to be “treated” while we get through a difficult time or over a hump or make the adjustment or whatever.
            I don’t know, and we sure-as-heck don’t want me diagnosing anybody, but here’s what I can promise you: Doing nothing will, in all likelihood, yield nothing.
            You/we/I do NOT have to feel like that! We can get our lives, and our spirits back, but we have to ask for help; now, I presume that most of us Boomers (and whomever else has come along for the ride) are not, as a group, unfamiliar with, or scared-to-death by anything that might smack of “mental health” – I mean, it’s not like we don’t know more than a little about “dysfunction” and feelings and all that, right?
            And we’ve figured out that depression (like a lot of other things) is NOT a sign of “weakness,” right? I mean, if you broke your leg, would you just decide to tough it out so you wouldn’t seem “weak?” No, you wouldn’t. Depression is no different.
            And if feeling crappy on an ongoing basis isn’t enough to get us off our butts, consider what a joy it must be to be around someone who is depressed – Oh, GOODY! Sure, people who love you will support you and tolerate you and put up with you and maybe even help you pretend that everything is fine, but if you purport to love them back, you might want to consider the effect that you’re having on them.
            Maybe it’ll just…go away; well, OK, maybe it will, but if it doesn’t, then what?
            My only point here is the same point: Depression happens to a lot of us, so be aware of that and if it happens to you, do something about it, because it can get better.
            If it’s already happening to you, do something about it, because it can get better.
            Take back your life, because we have a lot left to do.