Peninsula Daily News column 6-16-11, "Whether or not a 'father', thank you"

            The day after the day after tomorrow is Father’s Day. Being big on equality, I concluded that since I’d given in to the temptation to write a column about Mother’s Day, it was only fair that I write a column about Father’s day, so off I went to write a column about fathers and Father’s Day.

            …uh…hmm: Why is that…harder?

            Father’s Day seems to lack the almost universal emotional appeal of Mother’s Day. Oh, sure, we can (again) write it all off  to more commercial hype, another manufactured reason to spend money, blah blah…But the fact is, that didn’t stop us on Mother’s Day; at least, not for long.

            Why is this harder?

            For Mother’s Day, guilt and the reality of our lives notwithstanding, we could get away with flowers and/or flowery cards and/or flowery meals or whatever, because it’s all about emotion and love and nurturing and softness and laughter and tears and…You know: Mothers.

            Then along comes Father’s Day and all that flower-stuff is replaced with a…wrench? See? It’s harder.

            Maybe it’s because many of us grew up without a father on hand – Or wished we had. Maybe he was gone a lot – Or even left! – Or we wished he had. Maybe he was a loud-mouthed, abusive, ignorant jerk – Or, maybe, we’d have thought we were lucky if that was all that he was.

            Or maybe he was just…gone: Gone because he had to be. Gone because that was the only he knew to take care of his family. Or maybe he was “gone” when he was there, immersed from choice in “guy-stuff” – Whatever, but gone is “gone.”

            …hmm…You know, it’s easier to write about what’s “wrong” with fathers, and maybe that just reflects my own story, which is simply another story about “gone.”

            I think most of us are old enough to have figured out that “fatherhood” has little to do with the ability to make babies, because pretty much any idiot can do that, so it has to be more about what happens after the fun part – After a little one has shown up…Oops.

            And most of us who did grow up with an onsite father probably didn’t grow up with Ward Cleaver, the ever-patient, ever-gentle, soft-spoken provider, Ward Cleaver, although you have to wonder about the true nature of any father who would allow his own offspring to be called “Beaver;” no, not likely, but some of us, apparently, came darned close. Good for you.

            Fatherhood – Actually being a “father,” beyond the biological contribution – Seems to have more to do with strength and tenacity: Protecting, providing, making safe…Teaching.

            Teaching what it takes to survive in the world, so we can survive in the world. Teaching us about how the world will see us – Who we are, from the world’s point of view – Because that’s where we will have to live. Teaching, everyday, about what it will take – Everyday – To live. What we’ll have to do and how to do it.

            Teaching.

            Sometimes, teaching is done by explaining – Talking things through, until we understand – And, sometimes, over and over and over…Often, though, this teaching-thing is done by example, because we learn from what we see, so you can talk from now until forever, but if I see you doing something different, that’s what I’ll remember, and that’s what I’ll learn, which is how bad things get carefully handed down from generation to generation…

            But it’s also how good things get handed down – Get taught, because we learn from what we see.

            Some of us – Many of us! – Have had male figures in our lives who took the time to teach – To show us, to allow us to try, to allow us to fail, to correct us, to allow us to try again, to correct us again, without rejecting us – Without making us feel stupid – Patiently, because he understood that we had to learn, because we had to survive in the world. We had to be able to ask questions. We had to experiment and take chances and take risks. We had to practice and we had to be coached, and we, often, had to totally screw “it” up before we could get “it” right.

            And we had to be able to do all of that in the presence of someone we respected, someone who wouldn’t give up on us – Someone who would push us, without pushing us away. Someone who would demand that we learn what it takes to survive in the world, so we could survive in the world.

            Maybe that someone was our biological father, and maybe not; most likely, if we were lucky, we had several, and if we’re really lucky, we still do, but we remember the ones that acted like “fathers,” whether or not he had anything to do with the “fun part.”

            Males – Men! – Who were sure enough of themselves, and gentle enough and generous enough to teach – To lead – To help us get to where we needed to be. Men who gave away their time, because some other man had given his time to him, because that’s how good things get handed down.

            Men who had figured out – Or been taught – That it’s OK to love, and to say so and to show it, because their ability to make babies isn’t compromised by it. Men who understood that it isn’t really about Clint Eastwood macho or blazes of glory or stupefying feats of stupefying violence, but what it is about is the everydayness of surviving in the world. And doing it as a decent human being.

            Men who taught us that, at the end of the day, you have to walk away feeling OK about you.

            So, whether or not you were my father, you were my “father,” and I thank you – And love you – For that, and may Father’s Day be as good to you as you were to me.

            Here’s a wrench.  

Peninsula Daily News column 6-9-11, "Debt collection made easy -- and safe"

            Last week I recounted the story of a reader who had received a very “official looking” packet of paper from some entity that she’d never heard of, blessing her with the news that she owed them $800+ AND announcing that she’d been “pre-approved” for several discounted pay-back arrangements.

            That particular reader is so convinced that this “debt,” and its accompanying attempt at “collection,” is bogus that she’s turned it into the Post Office as “mail fraud,” so the take-away for most of us was to be vigilant about stuff like this because, these days, pretty much anybody can generate “official looking” paper and wait for us sheep to send money. Good advice.

            But another reader, who has “been there,” also points out that, especially these days in this economy, we all need to know what our rights are regarding “debt collection,” because…well, because it isn’t pretty; or, we at least need to know where to look to find out what our rights are, and to remember that we aren’t alone, that there is help and that, sometimes, mistakes are made.

            VERY good advice, so I’ll tell you where I’d start looking, which is where I always start looking: http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/ and click on the icon that says “Consumer & Debt,” with a large, black “$.” I’ve mentioned this web site to you before: It’s free, it’s “public,” it’s developed by the Northwest Justice Project and it’s a virtual wonderland of legal information on all kinds of topics, written in language that folks like us can actually understand, so don’t take my word for any of this – Go look for yourself.

            I also know that debt collection can be, at best, annoying and, at worst, terrifying, so I’m going to hit a few of the high points on this tough topic, but please remember that I’m looking at the same web site that you can look at, so this isn’t magical, mysterious or “insider” knowledge, OK?

            OK, now: Collection agencies are regulated by the state and the Feds, and there are laws that protect us “debtors” who are being contacted by them. If a collection agency first contacts me by phone, the first thing I’m going to do is insist that they contact me in writing, because that first written notice has to contain certain information, like:

• The name and address of the collection agency;
• The amount of the debt, stating the original debt and a breakdown of other costs plus interest;
• The name of the creditor to whom the debt is owed;
• A statement that, unless I dispute the debt within 30 days after I get the notice, the agency will assume that the debt is valid;
• A statement that, if requested within 30 days, the collector will provide the name of the original creditor, if different from the collector, and…
• …a statement that if I notify the collector within 30 days that I dispute the debt, the collection agency will get verification of the debt and mail it to me.

That’s good, because if I’ve notified them in writing that I disagree with any portion of the debt, the collector has to stop everything until they have proof that I owe it and send that proof to me. I’d keep copies of everything and, if at all possible, I’d send all of my communications by certified mail, return receipt requested.

Maybe I wish you had a sample letter to go by? There’s one on the web site; and, obviously, there could be any number of reasons that I’d dispute a debt, right? OK.

Now, how could I stop a collection agency from contacting me? Well, I’d notify them in writing – And YES, there’s a form letter for that on the site – But that won’t make the debt go away, IF I owe it – It just means that we’ll probably end up in court.

Another “high point” is what property and income is protected from debt collection, right? Well, social security, for one; also, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), private pensions, unemployment compensation, $125,000 if equity in my home, my personal belongings (up to a point) and my care (up to a point), to name a few.

And what can’t a collection agency do? Well, they can’t:

• Threaten to tell my employer or neighbors about the debt, or actually do it;
• Call between 9:00 p.m. and 7:30 a.m. (in Washington);
• Communicate with me or my spouse more than three times in a single week, or…
• …send a notice that deliberately looks like a government document or a telegraphic or “emergency” message…

…just to name a few.

I’m going to keep everything I get from the collection agency – Including the envelopes! – In one place, along with copies of everything that I’ve sent to them. I’m going to makes notes of EVERY phone call from them, including the date, time, subject(s) discussed and names of anyone/everyone involved in the conversation. I’m going to record the details of anytime they contact someone other than me, and anything else I can think of, keeping them in chronological order and trying to make sure that I could actually understand my notes a week from now.

There’s no way I can recount to you everything on the http://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/ web site on this topic, and there’s no reason to, because it’s there and it’s free. The point for today is that you know – Like I know – That we do have rights, we do have some protections and there is help and information out there.

In my experience with businesses, corporations and financial/lending institutions, I’ve found that if I see that I’m going to have a “problem” paying a debt that I owe, and I contact them as soon as I see that coming and communicate honestly, I can almost always make a “deal” that everyone can live with, thus avoiding this kind of hassle, embarrassment and fear. The trick is to be proactive, be honest and then follow-through on what I committed to do.

To quote a public service announcement that most of us have heard, “…nothing is worse than doing nothing.” That’s true, so do something.

Where there’s life, there’s hope.

Peninsula Daily News column 6-2-11, "In complex world, greed finds a way"

            Greed is an amazing thing, but that isn’t news.

            Pretty much, it seems that if there’s way to get blood out of a turnip, or any money out of any of us, someone will find a way to do it.

            Or try.

            And that indomitable entrepreneurial spirit doesn’t always limit itself to the common confines of “legality.”

            It feels to me, sometimes, that cons, scams and what-nots have almost gotten easier as our world had gotten more and more complex. You can start with the Internet and e-mail and social media and robo-calls and desktop publishing, but that’s not all there is to it. The financial world in which most of us attempt to function has become, it seems, infinite and monolithic: This business is owned by that holding company, which is part of this corporation, and they bought something from so-and-so, repackaged it and sold it to somebody else, who called it something else and tried to sell it back to us!

            …or something like that.

            And, after a while, we can sort of glaze over – Whatever! – And just hope that we don’t end up being on the wrong end of someone else’s greed.

            I get it – Me, too – But we all need to know about this:

            Recently, a reader who will remain nameless received a very official-looking packet of information from a very official-sounding “company.” Several pages proceed to detail the “fact” that she owes them $889.70, with absolutely no reference as to what she might owe them $889.70 for.

            It conspicuously proclaims the “good news” that she has been “pre-approved” for a discount program designed to save her money and advises her to “…act now to maximize your savings and put this debt behind you.” Specifically, she could select Option 1 (40% off!) and pay a mere $533.82! Or, it appears, she could select Option 2 and skate by with 6 monthly payments of “only” $118.62! Or, if all else fails, our reader could opt for Option 3, and get by with monthly payments as low as $50 per month, and recommends she call “today” to discuss her options.

            Conveniently, a payment coupon was enclosed, as was an account number, an original account number, a phone number and a couple of addresses, depending upon whether she wanted to talk, or just send money. The “original creditor” is named – A bank, with a lot of initials in its name, and the word, “Nevada;” apparently, what happens in Nevada does NOT, necessarily, stay there.

            (Note: I just found a third address! These people are everywhere!)

            Finally, there is an important-looking disclosure that says: “IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE INFORMATION: This is a communication from a debt collector. This is an attempt to collect a debt. Any information obtained will be used for that purpose.”

            Wow.

            Now, our reader, who does not seem to me addled, confused or demented, is adamant that she has never heard of these people, OR the “original creditor” and sure as you-know-what does NOT owe them $889.70! – In fact, she is so sure that she took her official-looking packet to the Post Office, who hadn’t seen anything like it, but asked her to fill-out a form for “Mail Fraud.”

            She has.

            Can I absolutely assure you – Or her, or myself, for that matter – That this isn’t, somehow, a “legitimate” debt? Well, no, because “…this business is owned by that holding company, which is part of this corporation, and they bought something from so-and-so, repackaged it and sold it to somebody else, who called it something else and tried to sell it back to us!”

            But I sure-as-heck can’t assure you that it is, either! And this gal has the chutzpah to say, rather vocally, I DON’T THINK SO!

            Good for her.

            So, what should the rest of us take away from this? Well, for one thing, the realization that we have been lulled-and-dulled into a mind-set of accepting whatever comes at us because it’s all too complex and only “they” understand “it,” so I’ll just do what somebody seems to be telling me to do because “they” must be right and…

            …and GEE! It looks so…official!

            We’re not children, we’re not stupid and, at last census, most of us aren’t sheep. We’re reasonably intelligent human beings who have managed, somehow, to get this far, so we are allowed to say, “WHAT?! Explain this to me slowly, and in excruciating detail, or take your ‘pre-approved discount program’ and…” Well, you get it.

            Yes, that might inconvenience someone and, Yes, I suppose, it might even annoy someone – GEE! I’m so sorry.

            Or it might make them look for greener pastures somewhere else – Pre-approved discount program and all.    

Peninsula Daily News column 5-26-11, "Privacy, veterans' care hot topics"

            Please keep this in mind as we launch into today’s column: DON’T KILL THE MESSENGER! – Besides, “open season” on columnists doesn’t begin until October 15th, which is the same day that “open enrollment” for Medicare Part D begins. Go figure.

            Certainly, I’m no stranger to mixed reactions; anytime I go on about this-or-that program or service I know I can expect at least some thank-you’s and a few “That-didn’t-work-for-me-worth-a-____’s!” (Some comments are more…colorful than others), but nothing – Absolutely NOTHING! – Is as guaranteed to garner both as anything relating to the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA). None of that withstanding, I’m going to do it, anyway, because it might do some people some good who could stand to have some good done for them, so boldly going where I wish I didn’t have to go:

            I’m looking at a press release from the VA that says that, as of May 9^th of this year, “eligible post-9/11 Veterans” who elect to receive their care at home from a primary Family Caregiver could help those caregivers receive some additional help and support. There is no explanation of what the phrase “eligible post-9/11 Veteran” means.

            Evidently, eligible Veterans and Service members can designate who their “family caregivers” are, and said caregivers might be eligible to receive a stipend, mental health services and access to health care insurance, if they don’t already have it. The press release says that you can call VA Caregiver Support Coordinators at 1-877-222-8387 for assistance with the application process or go to http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ and download a copy of the application (VA CG 10-10) or, I suppose, both. I’d do both.

            I don’t want to sound too facetious here; in my world, if there’s anyone who deserves all the help they can get, it’s “caregivers,” whom I define as “…somebody who is taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not.”

            I have no idea how the VA defines it.

            So, why not? If this even sounds vaguely like you to you, give these folks a call and talk it over; besides, there are probably some other services for caregivers of Vets that none of us have ever heard of. The worst that can happen is…nothing.

            OK, since I seem to be a glutton for potential punishment on the 26^th day of May, and there’s still five months to go before “open season,” I might as well charge headlong into the other guaranteed “trigger topic,” Privacy!

            One of the greatest “secret weapons” we have in my business are those little “panic button gizmos” that you can hang around your neck or wear on a bracelet or wherever, then push the button if you need help. They are generally referred to as “Personal Emergency Response Systems.” (Note: Do NOT take them off before getting into the shower! That’s where you need them the most!)

            Generally, they all work pretty much the same way, in that when you push the button, it sends a message to a Call Center who then tries to call you back to see what’s up (or down) or call for help. They work remarkably well; however, a long-standing drawback has always been that they only work in and around your home, because they’re tied into your phone line.

                What seems to be happening more and more is people have the unmitigated lack of foresight to actually leave the house! – Or, worse…travel! Have they no shame? Well, regardless, up to recently if you were on-the-road, you were on your own, but that’s changing – Quickly.

            One such product is MobileHelp, which you can check out at http://www.mobilehelpnow.com/ or call 1-800-800-1710. It works pretty much the same way the traditional PERS units do, but it has a separate device that can be used to summon help from anywhere; what’s more, it contains GPS technology, so you can locate Mom wherever she is.

            Beginning to see my problem?

            Here’s another: ActiveCare’s “Personal Assistance Link” (http://www.activecare.com/ or 1-877-219-6628) provides mobile, one-button access to a 24-hour call center for help or roadside assistance or directions or…And, YES: GPS technology AND fall-detection capability, in case Mom takes a dive on the road – And it functions as a simplified cell phone so she can make calls.

            One more: A company called “SecuraTrac” has a product called “LifeTrac MobileProtector” that does all the same stuff (GPS, fall-detection) and, probably, other cool stuff. Check it out at http://www.securatrac.com/ and/or 1-888-973-2872.

            AND, many of today’s cell phones have a GPS tracking chip built in! Don’t know? Call your service provider and ask, or see if it can be added; then, you could get free tracking software, so you’ll know where Mom is via your computer or cell phone, by going to http://www.buddyway.com/ or http://www.glympse.com/ or www.google.com/latitude

            Do I think these things are a bad idea? No! I think they’re a GREAT idea! And I think a lot of the “kids” will think they’re a great idea! The only “problem” is that there is always the occasional “mom” here and there who isn’t so wild about having the kids know all about her whereabouts, all the time. To each, their own.

            Did I mention that I’m relocating to Tahiti on October 14^th?

Peninsula Daily News column 5-19-11 "Forks Family Fair slated this Saturday"

A couple of weeks ago (on May 6, to be achingly exact), we celebrated an “Information & Assistance Fair” with about 150 of our closest friends at the Port Angeles Senior Center, which I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed. If you made it – Thanks! If you didn’t, you can always call 452-3221 (1-800-801-0070) and get access to all the same stuff, and all the same people, for free. Decent people will help you, without trying to sell you anything.

                Now, having lived here for 30+ years, I know what a lot of people on the West End are thinking: “Swell – Just another agency that thinks civilization ends where the lake begins.”

                OK, granted, the “civilization” discussion might be another matter, but to get to what you’re really thinking, I say, “Hah!” (Well, I didn’t really say “Hah!” – I almost never say “Hah!” – But I thought it…) and I thought “Hah!” because the day after tomorrow (May 21, to be achingly exact), we’re throwing the first annual “Forks Family Fair” in…Port Angeles!

                No, I’m kidding; obviously, we’re throwing the “Forks Family Fair” in Forks! At the Recreation Center, to be achingly exact (90 Maple Street, to overstate the obvious) from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m., and you care about this…why?

                Well, for 4 hours on a Saturday, you can get access to a whole lot of information in one place, for free, without having to sit through any speeches or programs. You can just wander around, gather up info, talk to any of us who will be lurking about and leave when you’re darned good-and-ready; for instance:

• Are you taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not? Then, you’re a “caregiver” – Whether you like it or not, so you might want to see what’s available for Family Caregivers or “Relatives as Parents;”
• How about Olympic Medical Home Health?
• How about an expert on Veteran’s Disability?
• How about face-painting for kids (well, I assume it’ll be mostly kids, but one can never be sure…)?
• Free (Yes, FREE) sno-cones!
• …or, for that matter, free refreshments!
• Or, maybe you have a few thousand questions about health insurance and/or Medicare and/or Medicaid? Yup, people will be there who know what they’re talking about and will NOT try to sell you anything!
• …and “Sunshine & Rainbows,” and “Concerned Citizens” and “OlyCAP” and “Assured Hospice” and and and…
• …and, of course, good old “Information & Assistance” – Us.

See? Where else are you going to find this on a Saturday?

Now, here’s the best part: Maybe you don’t even know what you’re looking for – Maybe you just know what’s wrong, or what might be wrong or what could go wrong or what you’d rather not have be wrong, and you just need to share it with someone who will actually listen and give you some ideas without asking you for money – Come on.

Yes? Day after tomorrow, May 21, 10:00-2:00, at the Rec Center, free. Or we can just grab a couple of sno-cones and debate where civilization really ends…

Now, just a quick little something from a reader who has, obviously, “been-there, done-that,” and the subject is finding a caregiver. What people often mean when they use that phrase – “…finding a caregiver…” – Is finding someone to hire to come in and “help,” which can mean anything from helping with the housework to helping with errands and chores to helping with VERY “personal” care.

There are generally two ways to do that: (1) search out one of a number of local “homecare agencies,” interview them, get their rates and off you go; (2) find someone to hire, privately, on your own, so let’s talk about #2.

The good news is that, sometimes, you can find a saint who will change your family’s lives, for less than you might have to pay a homecare agency. The BAD news is that, sometimes, you might find a “predator” who will steal you blind – Or worse; it’s a crapshoot, on a good day.

If you’re thinking “AGENCY!”Go to http://www.o3a.org/, where you can find a list of all the homecare agencies in the area. If you’re thinking, “Nooo…I really need to save a few bucks, so I’m going to look around…”, then do a couple of things:

1. Get a copy of our booklet, “How to Hire In-Home Help,” then read it – Twice;
2. References, references, REFERENCES!
3. …and now, a suggestion from a reader you cares, and that reader says:

“…you might want to encourage people looking for caregivers to do some of their own background search by looking at Washington State court records online.

Go to http://dw.courts.wa.gov// Click on Name Search, click on Accept, then type in last and first names. A middle initial might help distinguish the person from others with the same name.

This works to investigate anyone who has lived in Washington State and has gone to court for any reason.”

While I haven’t actually tried it, it sounds like a good idea – There is no such thing as too much info on a person you are going to bring into your home. In the booklet mentioned above, “How to Hire In-Home Help,” you’ll also find info on how to run your own background checks.

Enough? OK, see ya Saturday. You bring the chocolate chip cookies and I’ll bring the sno-cones – You’re on your own with the face-painting…

Peninsula Daily News column 5-12-11 "Helpful tips on Alzheimer's Disease"

I learned a long time ago that it’s not my job to have the best idea – It is my job to know the best idea when I hear it. This is one of those.

                Not long ago I attended a free educational seminar on aspects of Alzheimer’s and memory loss. At that seminar, I picked up a terrific little booklet called, “Survival Tips to Help with Memory Loss,” put together by “Dungeness Courte Alzheimer’s Community” in Sequim; basically it’s a “help guide” for caregivers of folks with Alzheimer’s (or, actually, any form of dementia). It’s excellent.

                It’s so “excellent” that, with permission from “Dungeness Courte,” I’m reproducing it here. I had nothing to do with its contents – I’m not that knowledgeable or insightful. The only “edit” I’ve made is to change all the “her/hims,” ”she/hes” and “them” to “he” – To save space and the reader’s sanity.

                If anything here helps even one caregiver get through a day, it was column-space well spent.

                Here it is:

PACING Reasons: He is scared and unsure of where he is.

What you can do to help him:

• Walk with him.
• Hold his hand.
• Tell him that he is safe and loved.
• Offer him a snack he can carry in his hand as he walks.
• Keep the walkway clear so he is safe from falling.
• Try to distract him from pacing. Ask him to look at a magazine or work a puzzle with you.

LATE AFTERNOON BEHAVIOR Fidgeting and acting nervous, becoming easily upset, and wanting to go ‘home’ when he is already home are types of late afternoon behavior; to him, ‘home’ means feeling safe.

What you can do to help him:

• Give him a hug.
• Tell him where he is.
• Tell him he is safe.
• Tell him you are not leaving.
• Change the topic.
• Turn on more lights.
• Close the blinds or curtains.
• Ask if he is hungry or if he will help you in the kitchen.
• Offer an easy activity, like sorting spoons or forks, or ask him to wipe off the table.
• Use a happy voice and make everything seem like a lot of fun.

USING THE BATHROOM

What you can do to help him:

• Mark the bathroom clearly with a sign that says ‘bathroom’ or a picture of a toilet.
• Watch for cues, like fidgeting with clothing, or pacing.
• Write down the time of day that toilet accidents happen to better predict future accidents.
• Walk with him to the bathroom every 2 to 3 hours. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t wait for him to ask. Say, ‘We need to go to the bathroom’.
• Carry extra toileting supplies with you when you are away from home.

REFUSING CARE

What you can do to help him:

• Keep a daily routine.
• Don’t ask, ‘Do you want to…bathe, brush your teeth or get dressed/’ In a happy voice, say, ‘We need to…’
• Have all supplies ready before you start an activity.
• Explain to him, in simple terms, what you will be doing.
• Make sure his refusal is not because he is afraid or does not understand what you are asking him to do.
• If he begins to fight, step away. Try again later.

HOME SAFETY

What you can do to help him:

• Try to make his world simple.
• Use plain-colored placemats, tablecloths, bath towels and sheets.
• Block off stairs so he can’t fall up or down them.
• Have all of your house locks keyed to the same key.
• Place safety latches up high and down low on doors leading to the outside.
• Have him wear an ID bracelet if he wanders, and sign him up for the Alzheimer’s Association’s ‘Safe Return Program’.
• Use locked cabinets for soaps, cleaners, poisons and medicines.
• Take up all throw rugs.

WANDERING

• Make sure that he wears a medical ID bracelet.
• Keep a recent photograph of him to help police if he becomes lost.
• Keep all of the doors locked.
• Consider installing a keyed deadbolt.
• Place safety latches up high and down low on doors.
• Enroll him in the Alzheimer’s Association’s ‘Safe Return Program’.
• Make sure he gets enough exercise and sleep.
• Let him do chores, such as folding clothes or helping with dinner.
• Place cloth of the same color over doorknobs, or paint doorknobs and doors the same color as the walls.

COMMUNICATION

• Pay attention to what he is trying to tell you.
• Keep what you are telling him short and simple, but not child-like.
• Use one-step instructions when asking him to do what you want. This will decrease his frustration level and make each activity a success for him.
• Don’t tell him more than he needs to know at one time.
• Be patient. Give him lots of time to answer your question.
• Give him lots of time to finish what he is trying to say.
• Don’t argue with him. It is easier to agree with him and do what you had planned, anyway.
• Don’t try to reason with him, you will just get angry and he will not know why. Change what you are talking about to something he likes.
• Don’t correct or fuss at him for getting something wrong. Does it really matter? It may only make him feel bad.
• Don’t say, ‘I just told you that’. Just repeat the answer you have already given him.
• Don’t ask him to remember things that happened in the past. Talk about what you remember happening and how he was a part of it.
• Don’t say, ‘You can’t’. Say, ‘Do as much as you can and I will help you’.
• Don’t demand things from him. Always show him what you want him to do.
• His entire day depends upon how you speak to him. Speak very calmly and know that your body language needs to reassure him.

EATING

• Serve meals at the same time every day.
• Serve foods with different colors and textures.
• Make the table a calm place to eat.
• Use plain-colored dishes with no pattern to set off the color of the food on the plate so he can see the food.
• Use a shallow bowl with a lip on it if he keeps pushing the food off the plate.
• Put only the knife, fork or spoon he needs to eat with next to the plate.
• Allow plenty of time to eat. Don’t rush him.

If he refuses to eat, it may be because:

• He has too many choices on his plate. Try offering one food item at a time.
• He may not know how to get started. Show him the act of eating.

IN THE CAR:

• Keep the car keys out of sight.
• Always talk to him about where you are going.
• Tell him where you are going, as you leave the house.
• If he wants to know why he can’t drive, tell him the doctor or insurance company said he could not drive anymore.
• Open the car door for him.
• Help him put on his seatbelt. Tell him each car’s seatbelt is different if he has difficulty putting it on.
• Use the child safety lock feature on the car doors so he is unable to unlock the door from the inside.
• Make trips in the car to places he likes to go, as well as places he has to go.
• In the later stages of Alzheimer’s disease, having him sit in the backseat is safer and less scary for him.
• If he refuses to get out of the car when you get to where you are going, don’t argue with him. Drive around the block and try again.
• If he refuses to get out of the car at home and someone else is there, ask them to meet you at the door and invite him to come in.

That’s it. That’s a lot. Thank you, Dungeness Courte.

Peninsula Daily News column 5-5-2011 "Mom made us perfectly imperfect"

I’ll see you tomorrow, right? For the “9^th Annual Information Fair” at the Port Angeles Senior Center, between 10:00 and 2:00, right? Good!

                But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today; no, today I want to point out that where there’s life, there’s hope – And here’s why.

                This Sunday will the eighth day of May, 2011, which will make it “Mother’s Day;” if that’s news to you, I’m going to guess that you’ve either just completed your annual hibernation OR you are a young, single male.

                Now, granted: I, too, find it difficult to envision young, single males zipping right by the sports section and the comics to get to this particular column, but on the off-chance that has actually occurred, allow me to point out that you are in VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE, and it would behoove you to figure out what you’re going to do about this potentially lethal mega-faux pas RIGHT NOW.

                Most of us live in the “hump of the bell-shaped curve,” which refers to a graphic representation of most polls, research and studies of whomever doing or thinking whatever. It just means that most of us aren’t “outliers” – “Extremes,” if you will.

                Most of us aren’t fabulously wealthy and most of us aren’t totally poverty stricken (although I readily agree that it can often feel that way). Most of us aren’t engaged in the “right wing conspiracy” and most of us aren’t contributing to, or steadfastly implementing, the “left wing agenda.” And most of us aren’t perfect people who routinely appear on the covers of magazines that are strategically situated just above the breath mints, nor do we scare crows at 1,000 yards; no, most of us are somewhere in-between: Basically, good, decent, reasonably sane people who are just trying to make our way without seriously hurting anyone else in the process.

                And it’s for those of us who are perfectly imperfect, residing obliviously in the hump of the bell-shaped curve, that I’d like to share a few quick “pre-Mother’s Day” thoughts, remembering that we started with, “…where there’s life, there’s hope.”

                Sure, I know all about the commercial hype and it’s “…all just a bogus promotion to boost retail sales…” and blah blah blah, but the fact is, here we are – And the fact is that mothers expect something to happen today. Now, Mom, tell the truth: You do. You’d like your “kids,” who could range anywhere from 5 years of age to 68 or whatever, to do something to recognize the fact that you changed your entire life to accommodate her, him or them.

                Whether or not it was “planned,” you went through nine months of physical discomfort, to grossly understate the obvious, not to mention the emotional and financial toll that is routinely taken and routinely ignored, then who-knows-how-many-years of trying to keep her, him or them from (a) killing themselves (or somebody else); (b) fed; (c) clothed; (d) warm, and (e) becoming a reprehensible reprobate, the latter often being the most challenging.

                I suspect you were not always successful, and I suspect you screwed some of it up. I’m absolutely certain that if you could replay the tape, you’d do some things differently – And since you (and most of us) see yourself as the primary “source” of said offspring, you feel responsible for the result; you were, I can guarantee, perfectly imperfect.

                Those of us who were produced by mothers managed to sleep through the nine-month part; then, we just assumed the food/clothes/warmth/part, because we had no idea who else to hold accountable – Since you were THERE, it must be your job – Thus, most of us kid-types tend to focus most of our memories on your less-than-perfect attempts to make us be as close to “perfect” as possible, and here’s what we know: You failed.

                You, Mom, dropped the biological ball and failed to make us rich, happy, healthy, sane people who would attract rich, happy, healthy sane mates with whom to produce rich, happy healthy and sane families. We manage to remember things that we thought you did “wrong,” which may or may not be the same things that you remember as “wrong,” but we’re pretty sure we know whose fault it was.

                So are you.

                But where there’s life, there’s hope – We’re here! We actually have an opportunity to achieve relative happiness – To perfect our imperfection! – To do whatever it is we need to do in order to say, “It was worth the ride.” And we’re pretty sure that we know that WE are solely and uniquely responsible for our successes and achievements.

                Stop laughing, Mom.

                You gave us life, which gave us hope so, in exchange, we’re going to give you…chocolate!  (Doesn’t really work, does it?) How about a card that somebody else wrote and produced? Or roses that somebody else grew? Hey! Let’s go to brunch at a restaurant that someone else owns, where someone else cooks and someone else makes money doing it??

                Yeah, OK, any or all of those beat-the-heck out of nothing, but here’s what we all know that only a very few of us will actually say: The real gift is the time spent – In-person, on the phone, going to get this-or-that and delivering or sending this-or-that – The time spent. The only thing you have less of than money – The time.

                It will always be about the “time,” because that’s what Mom gave away – The time.

                So, on a day that could be any day, less-than-perfect people from less-than-perfect families will get together (one way or the other) and, in a perfect world, exchange “time” for time, while we nurse our guilt, our delusions, our illusions and our “memories,” none of which make much real difference for most of us, because we still have tomorrow.

                We have time. We have life.

                And where there’s life, there’s hope.