Peninsula Daily News Column 8-2-2012 "Saddle up the 'social animal' within"

            We are, we’re told, “social animals;” certainly, we have a tendency to “flock” and, in some cases, to “swarm!” But most of us wouldn’t argue the point that most of us are intrinsically “social” – Whatever that means.

            And most of us have heard the phrase, “Loneliness kills,” right? Well, now we have a study to point to that says that is actually true. Without going into all the details of said study, the bottom-line is that Elders who report feeling lonely are more likely to suffer a “decline in function” (meaning, less mobile and less able to take care of themselves), a general decline in their health and/or kick the proverbial bucket than Elders who don’t.

            You probably just saw the same picture I saw, right? The little, old Old Person, sitting at home, probably with the blinds drawn, getting older and older and older…And sicker and sicker and weaker and weaker and stranger and stranger. There is truth to that picture, right here – Maybe next door. Or maybe that sounds too much like you to you and this is already getting to be scary and sad. Stick with me – Please.

            OK, that’s one picture, but get this: In the study, almost two-thirds of the folks who reported feeling lonely were married or living with a partner! The researchers defined loneliness as feeling left out or isolated or lacking companionship.

            This would be the obvious place for me to crack wise about the quality of those marriages or relationships, but I’m not going to, because that isn’t necessarily what this is about. Another old saw we’ve heard forever is that you “…don’t have to be alone to be lonely;” apparently, true again. You know that picture we saw up above of the little, old Old Person sitting at home? Make it two little, old Old People – Same picture.

            Left out, isolated, lacking companionship. Researchers include stories of folks who can’t gain weight because eating is a social experience for them, and they’re alone, so they don’t eat. Or folks who need to stay on a health care regimen but can’t seem to because there’s no one remind to remind them to take a pill – Or to even care.

            “I don’t want to bother anyone” – Sound familiar? Children and grandchildren are Lord-knows-where living a lifestyle that may seem vaguely…Martian: “I don’t want to bother anybody.” So, we don’t.

            We stay home (wherever “home” is) and get quieter and sicker and lonelier and more detached, and we focus on what we CAN’T do and how bad the PAIN is, so we can’t do more and more and the pain is worse and worse and the circle goes round and round and pretty soon the pain and the disabilities become our “friends” – They keep us company. We talk to them! So, it’s perfectly natural that, on the rare occasion we have someone to talk to, we certainly talk about them: Our pain, our disabilities, our afflictions.

            Then we wonder why that particular visitor hasn’t hastened to return for another fun-filled 90 minutes of, “What’s Wrong with Me TODAY!”

            Right: The circle goes round and round.

            So, do I have a magic “program” or “service” that will make it all better? No. Sure, there actually are some programs that can and do help some folks in some situations, and there are any numbers of ideas for helping folks get re-involved in this weird thing we call “life,” but am I about to spring the FIX on you? No, because I don’t have one.

            OK, then, what are we supposed to do? Run next door everyday to have coffee with Mrs. Jones? OK.

            Call Grandpa everyday to see how was lunch and “…how ‘bout them Mariners?” Sure.

            Go across the street and invite her (or him) to go with you? Or ask some advice? Or…? …hmm…

            And as we’re thinking to ourselves how busy we are (and we are) and that we probably don’t have time to do that (and we probably don’t), we’re also realizing that we could be looking in a mirror – And we could be.

            It is undeniably true that, as a society and a culture, we need to get better at exploiting this resource we call “Elders” (OK, “seniors,” if you must). Letting people get to a certain age, or to an artificial status we’ve chosen to call “retirement,” then ceasing to utilize all that experience and expertise and, likely, time and energy, is scary-stupid.

            Left out, isolated, lacking companionship. And I’d throw in, lacking purpose, not plugged-in, not a part of, separate. Alone. Using up time and experience and health care, alone. Making friends with our disabilities, staying out of the way, waiting to get out of the way, once and for all.

            And maybe – Just, maybe – We have some responsibility here, too; after all, these are our lives. I mean, we could involve ourselves in groups, in activities, in volunteer work – There’s plenty of that these days, that actually makes life better for living things who could stand to have their lives made better. We can go next door, we can pick up the phone, we can offer to help or babysit, we could fix something.

We are not required to go peacefully or quietly. We can stand up for what we believe in, or try to figure out what it is we believe in by listening and talking and being “a part of.” And no, we don’t have to be gadget-literate to be a part of life on Earth (“I don’t even know what FACEBOOK is!”). I don’t care – You aren’t dead.

At some point in our lives, we were required to build a life. We have not been exempted from that requirement simply because we’ve attained a certain age or managed to incur some condition or diagnosis – Life does, in fact, go on, so DO SOMETHING!

I don’t care if you want to or not, or feel like it, or not – DO SOMETHING! Then, do another thing – Force yourself. I don’t care if you like it right away or you don’t – For crying-out-loud, do something! Because then, you might do another thing. And another. Or find out that the first thing you did was wrong, so this time you’ll try something different. And do it better; then, do it again. Because life dispels loneliness.

And as you’re making yourself do something, whatever that something is, and however long it’s been since the last time you did it, remember the most important word that any of us ever learned, many decades ago:

“Oops.”

Peninsula Daily News Column 7-26-2012 "Low-cost (free!) tips to save money"

Last week I went on about…What would you call that? “Smart shopping for Elder services?” OK, I don’t have a better idea, so that’s fine: “Smart Shopping for Elder Services.” Remember that phrase, “smart shopping.”

And how are we all doing? Well, it seems a lot of us would happily settle for just getting through the rest of July – Never mind, the rest of the Summer! – In one piece, metaphorically speaking. And the one piece that many of us would like to stay in is one FINANCIAL piece.

I don’t know why this is coming up so much all of a sudden, but I don’t know that it matters. All of a sudden, a lot of us have money on our minds, and I’m not talking about “THE economy” or “recession” or “the euro” or whatever else that we’re made to feel like we should understand; I’m talking about our personal finances, the day-to-day, month-to-month stuff.

I guess it’s because I go on and on about programs and services that might be able to save a “low income” Elder a few bucks here or a few bucks there, but lately I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails and calls from civilians who don’t have much in the way of money and they’re looking for ways to (1) get out of debt, or (2) not get deeper in. Now, Lord-knows, I’m no financial guru – If I was, I’d probably take my best friend on an extended world cruise of warm, friendly places! – You’ll note I’m not, which suggests that I’m trying to figure out the same stuff that a lot of you are trying to figure out.

So, do I have the financial bottom-line? Hardly! But I’ll tell you what I see, over and over.

First, many of us have no idea where our money goes; oh, sure, we can tell you how much (or how little) is coming in, and we can tell you how much we pay for rent, utilities, transportation, insurance, maybe food, but the rest is a complete mystery. So, money comes in, we pay the big stuff, then we set about trying to get to the last day of the month, which often involves the use of credit cards because we had to make a credit card payment, and the wheel goes ‘round.

A suggestion: For a month or two, do something different. For a month or two - BEFORE that month begins! – Make a budget. WAIT! DON’T PANIC! You do NOT need a computer or fancy software or extensive expertise with spreadsheets or a degree in accounting! You need a piece of paper, a pencil and few minutes of relative peace.

Write down all the money that comes in, and when; then, write down all the bills that come in, when and how much. Now write down all your other expenses, like food – EVERYTHING, so don’t forget medical and prescription drug and…! – Now, subtract all the bills and expenses from all of the income – How’d we do? Got a little leftover? That’s sometimes referred to as “discretionary income,” which just means that it’s up to your discretion how you spend it, so – DON’T.

Right: Don’t spend it. Don’t buy that magazine at the checkout stand or the fancy coffee, and ignore the “sales” unless you really need something. Here’s the thing about “sales:” You still spend money.

If you do spend some of this discretionary income, WRITE IT DOWN! – Then, at the end of the month, when you sit down (in relative peace) to do your budget for the next month, add all that miscellaneous stuff up and see where you are…Oh! So THAT’S where the money goes! Right.

So, now you can decide how you want to live: Do you want to put a little more toward the credit cards each month or go out to lunch four times per week? It’s your life, so do it your way, but at least you’ll know what’s going on.

Here’s the other side of that coin: Go back to where we were doing the budget, and I said, “How’d we do? Got a little leftover?” And your resounding answer was, “NO!” Oh…So, here’s another thing I see: A lot of times, we don’t know the difference between what we need and what we want – Not because we’re stupid, just because that’s the way we’ve learned to live our lives. Here’s an example, from a friend in the financial world:

Most of us consider TV to be a “utility,” like power or water – We just assume it to be a “must have;” actually, it isn’t – It’s a “want.” Could most of us survive for a while without the cerebral assault of TV, in order to lessen the financial burden? Sure….hmm…

There are always exceptions: If you’re literally confined to the house or a room or a bed (more-or-less, most of the time), is TV a “want” or a “need?” I’d be inclined to say it’s a “need.”

Magazine subscriptions? Hundreds of heart-wrenching solicitations for donations? The “too-good-to-pass-up” sale? The annual membership? The smart phone over the cell phone? The unaffordable loan to your daughter’s family in Wichita? Well…

You get it, and you certainly get that none of this is terribly complicated – It’s just a matter of making the decision and taking the time to see what’s actually going on, so we can make decisions based on what’s true, instead of how it all “feels” – Sometimes those decisions are tough! Sometimes, they’re not. Oh! Here’s another:

Funny thing about credit cards, but when we pay for something with one, it doesn’t feel like we’re spending money. Try paying for stuff with cash and see how that feels – It’s a different experience, really.

So, I doubt that any of this will make any of us rich, but it can take a lot of the stress – The fear of tomorrow or next month – Out of life. I know this to be true because I’ve seen it done, over and over.

And it didn’t cost anything to do it.

Peninsula Daily News Column 7-19-12 "Some can't see the forest for the trees"

            A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column about the 4^th of July – Well, OK, it was about some thoughts I had about the 4^th of July – And ended up bouncing them around with a buddy. Here’s what I said:

“Last Wednesday was the 4^th of July, and there were any number of ways you could have known that: pets that were still in shock, coma or hung-over from the medication, the number of firework shell casings adorning the landscape, your distinct lack of sleep due to the fireworks shell casings adorning the landscape, the 11 pounds of leftover potato salad with two chicken thighs, or…Maybe it was just the noise.

            No, not the noise from the celebrations or the bands or the children’s laughter or even the munitions; it was the noise from the people who felt a need to tell us who we are, and who we need to be – Funny thing, too, because no matter who it is who’s doing the “telling,” the instruction always seems to be the same – Be more like me.

            Be more like us, because “us” is YOU.

            And WE know what’s good for YOU, and YOU do, too, because, in your heart-of-hearts, YOU know you really are US, so…Good for us!

            …and beware of THEM.

            I thought it was just me, because I almost always think it’s just me…”

And it went on, of course; well, here’s what a reader had to say, and this is worth reading:

“No, Mark.  It's not just you.  

‘They’ are frightened, scared out of their wits, and the only peace they can find is trying to get everyone around them to agree with them . . . about, whatever. I wore the uniform of my country for a quarter century, even got to wear those little eagles on my collars, but I'm not so sure any longer.  I don't know what I know any more.

After all, how do we know what we know?  There's a difference between certainty and certitude.

Contemporary, over-the-top expressions of patriotism trouble me, even frighten me.  I've seen how patriotism (we are good) so readily morphs into chauvinism (we are the best) and finally into jingoism (we are the only).  

We are living through a time of unprecedented change.  We're no longer certain of who we are.  We cling to our idea of a past that possibly never existed.  We create enemies, for enemies are a useful way of assuring ourselves of who we're not when we no longer know who we are.  They become ‘the others,’ someone to hate, someone to make us feel better about ourselves because we're not them.

And, I suspect the end of this national sense of angst is some distance in the future, probably beyond the tenure of those of us in our Third Age.  And, when we come out the other end we'll probably look far different.  Very likely we're in the process of reinventing what it means to be American.  And, that's a painful process.”

I thank the gentleman for taking the time to write and taking the time to care

“Reinventing what it means to be American,” the gentleman said. Funny thing: “change” never seems like “change” when you’re in it – When you’re doing it – It just seems like you’re mucking about, struggling to do the best you can. You work and you try and you look back, and try to learn, and you look ahead, and you try to learn, and you try to do the “right” thing…

It’s only later that you look back and say, “Wow – That was ‘change’!”

I imagine the same to be true with “reinvention.”

More years ago than I care to remember, I was given a gift of one of those little stand-up-in-the-window blown glass deals that said, somewhat tritely, “You cannot discover new oceans if you’re afraid to lose sight of the shore” – Trite or not, I have it to this day, so I guess it meant something to me.

Change. New stuff, new ways. New rules. That’s scary, so we hold on even tighter to what we know – “The Devil we know” – Because fear is a powerful thing.

But the change comes, anyway.

Like “aging,” in a way – Becoming. New doors opening, and blah blah blah – But those little one-liners don’t always help.

We look for something to hold onto – I look for something to hold onto – And what do I find?

Well, maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll find out that it isn’t just me.

Peninsula Daily News Column 7-12-12 "Gizmos that make life a little easier"

            I’m not a big “gadget guy” (actually, I’m not a big guy, in general); true, I spend a disproportionate amount of my life on a computer worrying about e-mail, and TRUE: I’ve been brow-beaten into a “Blackberry” for my job, but I confess that I am barely competent to complete a phone call, text at roughly the rate of erosion and have an unfortunate tendency to forget to turn it on.

            I apologize to the majority of my gender, but (a) the world seems to continue to turn without the aid of my 24-hour availability, and (b) I just am not enamored by machines nor, I’ve learned, are they particularly fond of me, but that’s a whine for another time.

            Sometimes, though, it’s just kind of fun to know what’s out there, because sometimes those gadgets/devices/good ideas can make life a whole lot easier for human beings who could stand to have life made a bit easier – Or, for all the rest of us, for that matter (which is why, in the construction/modification business, it’s called “UNIVERSAL design).

            Anyway, you know those little “panic-button gizmos” that you hang around your neck or wear as a bracelet have been around forever that allow you to get help if you’ve fallen or need assistance (generally referred to as “Personal Emergency Response Systems”)? Wonderful tools! Well, now, the “next generation” is beginning to hit the more public streets.

            I’m looking at the product info for a model that will, certainly, provide the usual “panic button” functionality AND medication reminder AND two-way voice communication. It also has built-in motion sensors that will measure activity in the place so caregivers/family can know if the occupant seems to be OK – AND it will text said caregiver to report! You can add additional motion sensors and “biometric devices” that can remotely monitor blood pressure, glucose, weight and/or increased toileting and sleeplessness.

            I realize that this might not be everybody’s “cup of tea,” given the frivolous demands of dignity and privacy; I also know that, for some, it works beautifully and allows people to stay where they want to be. The info I’m looking at says that, if you paid for the “whole nine yards,” you’d be paying $353 per month, plus taxes, shipping and whatever….hmm…

            I know of folks on the east coast who do this and swear by it (and probably at it, at times), but if it lets you be where you want to be and lets the kids sleep at night, mine is not to question what constitutes “appropriate.”

            How about some other just plain, old “cool” ideas that could help anyone navigate through life on a 3-dimensional planet? Like them, don’t like them – But they sure work for some…
 *…like adding a motion sensor to an existing light fixture, so it will turn on automatically when someone enters a room? OK, well, whoever said that pets like the dark?

* Or measuring cups and spoons with large numbers and color-coded? This one works.

* Or small tools, like scissors and nail clippers and pill cutters, etc. that have built-in magnifiers?

* A flashing light that draws attention to a ringing phone?

* Replacing a standard door hinge with an offset hinge that buys you an additional two inches of clearance without major hassle;

* You could slide a “sofa saver” under sagging cushions on a chair or sofa (or mattress!) that will help a provide a LOT more support when you’re getting up or down;

* Install a wall-mounted, extending magnifying mirror near the vanity to allow someone to sit while they do bathroom stuff;

* Replace round doorknobs with lever handles! I know you hear this all the time, but it really does make a difference – For everybody! Too pricey? OK, you can get lever adaptors that can be clamped onto round knobs;

* Replace standard, wall-mounted light switches with oversized rocker switches – MUCH easier. And you can get some that are illuminated in the dark. This one works.

* Cookware (+ lids) with ergonomically-shaped handles? You bet! Or how about pots and frying pans with TWO handles? Think about it.

* You know that flexible hose you’ve got on the sink? Use it to fill pots on the counter, so you’re not wrestling those things out of the sink;

* …or you could have side-mounted faucets on the sink?...well…

* You could buy a robotic vacuum cleaner! Well, you could – They’re actually quite common in some other countries;

* Lose your keys? Again? You can get a wireless key/object finder: Press a button on the locator and a device on the keys (or whatever) goes off. Lose the “finder?”…uh, well…Look in the robotic vacuum?

* Wear a timer around your neck to remind you to take meds or get the food out of the oven or…You’re not required to wear it to the luncheon.

* You can get heat-resistant, firm, comfortable  grips that slip over the handles of saucepans and skillets – Boom! No pot holders!

* A rolling laundry basket?

            I know: Everybody who is seriously involved with things like vision or hearing loss or “universal design” or arthritis or whatever else is laughing out loud right now at how “basic” all this stuff is – And they’re right: There is no substitute for going to the “pro’s” who deal with your particular concerns all day, every day to get the real scoop! This is just a list of things that caught my eye, aimed at people like me who are just trying to get to tomorrow with a modicum of grief and hassle.

            So, if you cancelled the photographers from “Good Housekeeping” and knew the truth about all the things that drive your friends and neighbors nuts (but they won’t admit it anymore than you will), what could you change that would make life a little easier, a little less painful, a little less stressful and a little more…independent?

            I thought so; me, too.

             

Peninsula Daily News Column 7-5-12 "Words of wisdom from one of 'them'"

            Yesterday was the 4^th of July, and there’s any number of ways you would know that: pets that are still in shock, coma or hung-over from the medication, the number of firework shell casings adorning the landscape, your distinct lack of sleep due to the fireworks shell casings adorning the landscape, the 11 pounds of leftover potato salad with two chicken thighs, or…Maybe it was just the noise.

            No, not the noise from the celebrations or the bands or the children’s laughter or even the munitions; it was the noise from the people who feel a need to tell us who we are, and who we need to be – Funny thing, too, because no matter who it is who’s doing the “telling,” the instruction always seems to be the same – Be more like me.

            Be more like us, because “us” is YOU.

            And WE know what’s good for YOU, and YOU do, too, because, in your heart-of-hearts, YOU know you really are US, so…Good for us!

            …and beware of THEM.

            I thought it was just me, because I almost always think it’s just me, so I went and talked to a buddy who is well along in his Elder journey, and not always sympathetic to my particular socio-political sympathies. He just laughed: “Lord, no, it isn’t just you! It’s all of us!”

            He laughed some more.

            He explained, kind of (He’s an Elder, so he can do that) in words like this – Kind of:

            We’re so cock-sure of being right and scared-to-death of being wrong, because we’re scared-to-death. Everything is changing: Technology, world politics, the climate and the environment, and the ECONOMY! Ways a guy could make a good living just a few years ago are gone! What’s replacing those? We don’t know – Yet.

            We don’t know how to be or how to act or what to learn or what to ignore – The RULES are changing right in front of us! – What do we do?

            We go back to an earlier time – Another way of thinking, when we knew what the rules and expectations were. We knew what to do and how to act, and what to believe in. We knew what was “right.” Or…

            …we leap ahead to sometime in the future when everything will be different, but we’ll understand it, so we’ll know what to do and how to act and what to believe in and all the “bad stuff” will be over and we can pretend that this was a “simpler time,” but in the meantime, here we are: scared-to-death.

            So, we point fingers and make accusations and quote God, because when people are frightened and struggling, the world doesn’t have a lot of gray. It’s black-and-white, good-or-bad, true or untrue, and we’ll even lie about THAT (if we have to)…Because we’re scared to death.

            “I had a good day yesterday,” he said, “because I get a kick out of being an American! And I love fried chicken!”

            He shouldn’t love fried chicken, because I know about his cholesterol, but that wasn’t his point. He went on – Kind of:

            We are so…BRASH! Alive! Even in our ignorance and arrogance, we are so…energetic! We will By-God-do-it-and-by-God-tell-them-about-it, even when we don’t know what we’re talking about! Look: The vast majority of folks are good, decent people who just want to do the right thing, have their lives, raise their children with hope for the future and feel like we did the best we could – Don’t you?

            Sure you do! Who doesn’t? We just don’t know what to do, anymore, to do that. There used to be a lot of things we didn’t know, so we did things out of ignorance – We didn’t know any better – And a lot of it seemed to work out: We had jobs, raised families and fried chicken; but now…Now, we’re beginning to learn what we didn’t know, and the “rules” are going to have to change. What’s even worse is that we don’t know what we’re GOING to know, so we’re guessing: Is this the “right” way? The “better” way?

            My buddy isn’t an all-or-nothing kind of guy (unless the subject is fried chicken or my opinion of his cholesterol): “And you know what’s true, Son? You know who’s right?”

            I braced and shuttered, at the same time. I didn’t know you could do that. He didn’t notice.

            “I’ll tell ya who’s right: Nobody.”

            “Everybody.”

            And when did this old **** turn into the Zen Master? It was something like this:

            How often have you seen absolute “black?” Right – Not much. You’ve seen “mostly black,” and “pretty black” and “getting toward black” and what-not, but ABSOLUTE BLACK? Not often. Or white – Don’t matter; same thing here: Nobody’s “right,” cuz nobody ever is or ever was, and everybody knows it, deep-down, somewhere.

            The truth will be what the truth has always been: Some of this and some of that, some of yesterday and some of tomorrow all mixed up in a stew that we can’t imagine, cuz it’s not our job. Our job is to do the best we can with what we have.

            I love being an American! How crazy-boring would it be to be anything else! We’re so full of…Well, you know – But we can’t WAIT to tell the world about it! We’re young and we’re generous and we’ll do for you as fast as we’ll do for ourselves. We love and we work and we try – We REALLY try! We care! And a lot of times, we do pretty darned good!

            But not always – Sometimes, we need a good...come-uppance, cuz someday we’re going to have to take a little responsibility for the fact that “they” aren’t “them,” and never were – “They” have always been “us.”

            “Now, shut up and eat some leftover drumstick.”

            I hate it when he does that! - But not on the day after the 4^th of July.  

Peninsula Daly News Column 6-28-12 "The good, bad and ugly of surviving"

            Last week I went on about how most of us just want to have a life we can live, so we want to live more of it, so we might want to pay a modicum of attention to exercise and diet and…Oh! By the way: Medicare covers obesity prevention work and it’s worth doing even if we won’t ever become that lithe, hard-body you always see sprinting across the supermarket parking lot, indiscernibly encumbered by 150 pounds of greens and yogurt and…

            Then I ran across a “New York Times” article about studies revealing that more and more of us in “later life,” or the “older generation,” are falling prey to eating disorders! Yes! Folks (well, women outnumber men on this one, 10:1) in their 50’s, 60’s and beyond going WAY beyond: restricted eating, excessive exercise, laxative abuse…Killing themselves.

            So I thought, “Oh, great! Last week you go on about losing weight so you have a life and don’t kill yourself and this week you can go on about not losing too much weight so you have a life and don’t kill yourself. Talk about a ‘mixed message’…!” And figured I’d back off of that bad idea.

Mixed message.  It is and it isn’t. It’s good and it’s bad. Some is good, too much is bad, unless it’s not enough…We think it’s good this week, but we might not think that next week, so stay tuned for the new study of the old studies that studied the studies previously done on folks who did too much of that…Or too little…

Enough! I’ll show you: I’m just going to do the best I can with my own common sense and to…HECK with all of your mixed messages!!!!!

Sound familiar? Me, too. And when you stop and think about it, that’s what we’ve been doing all of our lives: Trying to make our way through a morass of mixed messages and conflicting information and values and philosophies and recommendations and…All of our lives, even before we can remember, we were being told what to do and what not to do; true enough, in those very early years, most of what we don’t remember hearing was being said to us for one very good reason: Survival.

Survival IS a good reason: Do this so you don’t die, don’t do that so you don’t kill yourself, if you keep doing that it’ll get you someday and don’t ever do THAT, because it’ll be the beginning of the end! And, in some cases, they were right.

In some cases, they weren’t – We know, because we tried it.

But for almost all of us, there’s never been a shortage of people, institutions, agencies or philosophies who were more than willing to tell us how to live – To teach us how to live. To show us what is right-and-true, and valuable and important and insightful and accurate and wholesome and tidy and the “…way your mother would have wanted it.”

Or whomever.

 And do you know what almost all of us have done? Some of it. Some of this, some of that. Experimented. Learned the “hard way.” Made horrible mistakes that we dutifully teach those we love to never make, and succeeded where we were dutifully taught we could never succeed. Maybe we didn’t die, but we wish we hadn’t done it, or maybe we didn’t die and we wish we done a lot more of it a lot sooner!

And then there are the things that we don’t want to remember or admit, even to ourselves – Yup, they were right about those.

But sometimes we were “right:” We took the chance! We sucked-up the courage and did it, anyway, and soared into places that we could never have imagined! Places and people we could never have known! - If we’d listened, if we’d “learned,” if we’d obeyed.

Even the “good” among us have been “bad,” sometimes, and even the bad among us have been good, at times.

Mixed messages.

So we’ve made our ways the best we could: Trying to learn, trying to do better, trying not to make things worse or be part of the problem, trying to follow the rules – Mostly, depending, of course, upon which rules those might be…Or, whose rules.

We’ve made choices, up-and-down, good-and-bad, smart-and-SCARY stupid! We’ve made our ways the best we could, and the story of how we got to “here” from “there” rivals “Gone with the Wind!”

You know what? Maybe it does; so when I got an e-mail from a gentleman politely and graciously pointing out that, in my various “guides” of how to do or survive this-or-that, perhaps I’d neglected to mention the value of leaving your legacy, the story of your life - I had to let that sink-in.

I certainly experience my admittedly labyrinthine and…eventful life in epic panoramas, but who else would? It’d just be boring to anyone else…Wouldn’t it? And on what basis did I decide that? On behalf of the people who purport to love me? Because I know what’s “right?” True?

Because somebody told me so?

Oh, dear. So, if we’ve made our ways the best we could, then maybe we ought to leave the ways we came: Tell the stories, label the pictures, explain the mementoes…The way we came. So someone else could understand.

So someone else could learn.

So someone else could know when to go straight ahead on the path we left, or veer off into the unknown.

Or maybe just as a way of saying, “I was here, so you don’t have to be.”  

And if you’re a caregiver (you know, someone who’s taking care of someone who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not), could it be time that you “veered off into the unknown” to take a little care of you? Yeah? OK, try this:

If you’re an unpaid caregiver who happens to live on the West End (actually, you can live anywhere you want) you could get in on a new series of “Powerful Tools for Caregivers” classes, starting July 11. You’ve heard me talk these before – They change lives, literally.

Starting July 11, 1:00 to 3:30 pm at the Calvary Chapel, 451 5^th Avenue, in Forks, and going every Wednesday for six weeks. Worth learning more about? Call Susie at Family Caregiver Support, 374-9496.

And this is NOT a “mixed message.”

Peninsula Daily News Column 6-21-12 "Little to do to make long life doable"

            I talk to a lot of doctors, surgeons, nurses, ARNP’s, physician assistants, therapists, health care administrators, etc – Some of them even talk back!

            So, on the rare occasion that one of these interludes degenerates into an actual conversation, we often end up talking about…Right! Health care! How much it costs, why, where to get it, how to know if you’ve found it, why so many people need so much of it in the first place, how to avoid it – Yes, how to avoid it.

            Well, wouldn’t you rather avoid “needing health care” if you could? I mean, “needing health care” often means that something is, or certainly could be, wrong, and most of us would prefer to avoid having something be “wrong.”

            I would.

            I think a lot of us see health care as something that’s done TO us: Something is, or seems to be, wrong, so we have to go there to get that something fixed; well, OK, maybe it’s here AND there, then back to THERE three or four times, before we’re sent to hither, and soon to yon – And in all these places there are highly trained and (presumably) highly paid professionals who are doing things TO us. Oh, sure, as we’re being shuttled out of a door, someone might tell us to go home and do this-or-that, or stop doing this-or-that, or a little more of THIS and a LOT less of THAT, or whatever, but those bits of homework are afterthoughts – Little things that are thrown out to us after health care has been delivered TO us.

            Then, we go home.

            So, as I’m having these little highly condensed, conversational tidbits with Pro’s, in which I listen a lot, after a few years even I can’t help but notice that I’m hearing the same things over and over and over from them: I’m hearing the things we ought to do (and could do) to avoid needing health care, and it’s the same stuff, with diet and exercise topping the list.

            I know: Many of you just groaned – I get that. You’re thinking, “Oh, great! Here we go with this again. I’m heading for the crossword puzzle!”

            WAIT! I said, “I get that,” and I really do. Most of us are just trying to get from one day to the next, trying to wring some joy out of this 2012 life-thing, and we’ve done the best we could with what we have for a whole lot of years, now everybody wants to make us into…

            Uh-huh, everybody wants to make us into one of the pictures we see in our minds: Maybe it’s Jack LaLane, or somebody a lot like him. Or maybe it’s one of those pencil-thin women who only eat green stuff, drive Subaru’s and run 11 miles every morning before yoga. Or a weight-lifter or a food alien or…Those pictures aren’t usually pretty, and since most of us will never be I’m-so-skinny-that-I-don’t-even-have-a-shadow marathon runners, we just do nothing.

            And changing how we live is a lot of work! I have to go from being what I am (well, OK, who I am) to being something or somebody else! I have to change everything completely! I have to give up everything I love, start eating everything I hate and start doing things that hurt, and I hate, so I can live longer! – Who wants to live longer if it’s just full of eating things and doing things I hate???

            See? I told you I get it. Here’s my “thing,” that you’ve heard before: Most of us aren’t looking to live forever – We just want to live until it’s time to do something else. Live – As in, have a life, and it’s a lot harder to do that when a lot of your life is spent ricocheting from here to there, being on the receiving end of health care.

            Toward the end of last year, Medicare added coverage for preventive services to reduce obesity, which means no cost-sharing. I’m not going to get all into the insurance details of that coverage, because I think I’ve got you sideways enough for one day, but the bottom-line is that you can talk to your Doc (or whomever you see) about getting some help with the “weight thing,” and she or he and provide some counseling and some recommendations and some referrals and some encouragement AND actually get paid for doing it.

            This is doable.

            And here’s something else you’ll discover: Most health care professionals aren’t wild-eyed fanatics who are going to try to turn you into somebody you’re not – Most of them are pretty realistic and pretty down-to-Earth, because that’s where they live, too.

            So, forget about diet, forget about exercise and forget about those pictures you see in your head when somebody talks about this stuff, and just think about your life. Would you like to have more of it?

            You’d be surprised how little you have to do to do that, and this is doable.