Peninsula Daly News Column 6-28-12 "The good, bad and ugly of surviving"

            Last week I went on about how most of us just want to have a life we can live, so we want to live more of it, so we might want to pay a modicum of attention to exercise and diet and…Oh! By the way: Medicare covers obesity prevention work and it’s worth doing even if we won’t ever become that lithe, hard-body you always see sprinting across the supermarket parking lot, indiscernibly encumbered by 150 pounds of greens and yogurt and…

            Then I ran across a “New York Times” article about studies revealing that more and more of us in “later life,” or the “older generation,” are falling prey to eating disorders! Yes! Folks (well, women outnumber men on this one, 10:1) in their 50’s, 60’s and beyond going WAY beyond: restricted eating, excessive exercise, laxative abuse…Killing themselves.

            So I thought, “Oh, great! Last week you go on about losing weight so you have a life and don’t kill yourself and this week you can go on about not losing too much weight so you have a life and don’t kill yourself. Talk about a ‘mixed message’…!” And figured I’d back off of that bad idea.

Mixed message.  It is and it isn’t. It’s good and it’s bad. Some is good, too much is bad, unless it’s not enough…We think it’s good this week, but we might not think that next week, so stay tuned for the new study of the old studies that studied the studies previously done on folks who did too much of that…Or too little…

Enough! I’ll show you: I’m just going to do the best I can with my own common sense and to…HECK with all of your mixed messages!!!!!

Sound familiar? Me, too. And when you stop and think about it, that’s what we’ve been doing all of our lives: Trying to make our way through a morass of mixed messages and conflicting information and values and philosophies and recommendations and…All of our lives, even before we can remember, we were being told what to do and what not to do; true enough, in those very early years, most of what we don’t remember hearing was being said to us for one very good reason: Survival.

Survival IS a good reason: Do this so you don’t die, don’t do that so you don’t kill yourself, if you keep doing that it’ll get you someday and don’t ever do THAT, because it’ll be the beginning of the end! And, in some cases, they were right.

In some cases, they weren’t – We know, because we tried it.

But for almost all of us, there’s never been a shortage of people, institutions, agencies or philosophies who were more than willing to tell us how to live – To teach us how to live. To show us what is right-and-true, and valuable and important and insightful and accurate and wholesome and tidy and the “…way your mother would have wanted it.”

Or whomever.

 And do you know what almost all of us have done? Some of it. Some of this, some of that. Experimented. Learned the “hard way.” Made horrible mistakes that we dutifully teach those we love to never make, and succeeded where we were dutifully taught we could never succeed. Maybe we didn’t die, but we wish we hadn’t done it, or maybe we didn’t die and we wish we done a lot more of it a lot sooner!

And then there are the things that we don’t want to remember or admit, even to ourselves – Yup, they were right about those.

But sometimes we were “right:” We took the chance! We sucked-up the courage and did it, anyway, and soared into places that we could never have imagined! Places and people we could never have known! - If we’d listened, if we’d “learned,” if we’d obeyed.

Even the “good” among us have been “bad,” sometimes, and even the bad among us have been good, at times.

Mixed messages.

So we’ve made our ways the best we could: Trying to learn, trying to do better, trying not to make things worse or be part of the problem, trying to follow the rules – Mostly, depending, of course, upon which rules those might be…Or, whose rules.

We’ve made choices, up-and-down, good-and-bad, smart-and-SCARY stupid! We’ve made our ways the best we could, and the story of how we got to “here” from “there” rivals “Gone with the Wind!”

You know what? Maybe it does; so when I got an e-mail from a gentleman politely and graciously pointing out that, in my various “guides” of how to do or survive this-or-that, perhaps I’d neglected to mention the value of leaving your legacy, the story of your life - I had to let that sink-in.

I certainly experience my admittedly labyrinthine and…eventful life in epic panoramas, but who else would? It’d just be boring to anyone else…Wouldn’t it? And on what basis did I decide that? On behalf of the people who purport to love me? Because I know what’s “right?” True?

Because somebody told me so?

Oh, dear. So, if we’ve made our ways the best we could, then maybe we ought to leave the ways we came: Tell the stories, label the pictures, explain the mementoes…The way we came. So someone else could understand.

So someone else could learn.

So someone else could know when to go straight ahead on the path we left, or veer off into the unknown.

Or maybe just as a way of saying, “I was here, so you don’t have to be.”  

And if you’re a caregiver (you know, someone who’s taking care of someone who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not), could it be time that you “veered off into the unknown” to take a little care of you? Yeah? OK, try this:

If you’re an unpaid caregiver who happens to live on the West End (actually, you can live anywhere you want) you could get in on a new series of “Powerful Tools for Caregivers” classes, starting July 11. You’ve heard me talk these before – They change lives, literally.

Starting July 11, 1:00 to 3:30 pm at the Calvary Chapel, 451 5^th Avenue, in Forks, and going every Wednesday for six weeks. Worth learning more about? Call Susie at Family Caregiver Support, 374-9496.

And this is NOT a “mixed message.”

Peninsula Daily News Column 6-21-12 "Little to do to make long life doable"

            I talk to a lot of doctors, surgeons, nurses, ARNP’s, physician assistants, therapists, health care administrators, etc – Some of them even talk back!

            So, on the rare occasion that one of these interludes degenerates into an actual conversation, we often end up talking about…Right! Health care! How much it costs, why, where to get it, how to know if you’ve found it, why so many people need so much of it in the first place, how to avoid it – Yes, how to avoid it.

            Well, wouldn’t you rather avoid “needing health care” if you could? I mean, “needing health care” often means that something is, or certainly could be, wrong, and most of us would prefer to avoid having something be “wrong.”

            I would.

            I think a lot of us see health care as something that’s done TO us: Something is, or seems to be, wrong, so we have to go there to get that something fixed; well, OK, maybe it’s here AND there, then back to THERE three or four times, before we’re sent to hither, and soon to yon – And in all these places there are highly trained and (presumably) highly paid professionals who are doing things TO us. Oh, sure, as we’re being shuttled out of a door, someone might tell us to go home and do this-or-that, or stop doing this-or-that, or a little more of THIS and a LOT less of THAT, or whatever, but those bits of homework are afterthoughts – Little things that are thrown out to us after health care has been delivered TO us.

            Then, we go home.

            So, as I’m having these little highly condensed, conversational tidbits with Pro’s, in which I listen a lot, after a few years even I can’t help but notice that I’m hearing the same things over and over and over from them: I’m hearing the things we ought to do (and could do) to avoid needing health care, and it’s the same stuff, with diet and exercise topping the list.

            I know: Many of you just groaned – I get that. You’re thinking, “Oh, great! Here we go with this again. I’m heading for the crossword puzzle!”

            WAIT! I said, “I get that,” and I really do. Most of us are just trying to get from one day to the next, trying to wring some joy out of this 2012 life-thing, and we’ve done the best we could with what we have for a whole lot of years, now everybody wants to make us into…

            Uh-huh, everybody wants to make us into one of the pictures we see in our minds: Maybe it’s Jack LaLane, or somebody a lot like him. Or maybe it’s one of those pencil-thin women who only eat green stuff, drive Subaru’s and run 11 miles every morning before yoga. Or a weight-lifter or a food alien or…Those pictures aren’t usually pretty, and since most of us will never be I’m-so-skinny-that-I-don’t-even-have-a-shadow marathon runners, we just do nothing.

            And changing how we live is a lot of work! I have to go from being what I am (well, OK, who I am) to being something or somebody else! I have to change everything completely! I have to give up everything I love, start eating everything I hate and start doing things that hurt, and I hate, so I can live longer! – Who wants to live longer if it’s just full of eating things and doing things I hate???

            See? I told you I get it. Here’s my “thing,” that you’ve heard before: Most of us aren’t looking to live forever – We just want to live until it’s time to do something else. Live – As in, have a life, and it’s a lot harder to do that when a lot of your life is spent ricocheting from here to there, being on the receiving end of health care.

            Toward the end of last year, Medicare added coverage for preventive services to reduce obesity, which means no cost-sharing. I’m not going to get all into the insurance details of that coverage, because I think I’ve got you sideways enough for one day, but the bottom-line is that you can talk to your Doc (or whomever you see) about getting some help with the “weight thing,” and she or he and provide some counseling and some recommendations and some referrals and some encouragement AND actually get paid for doing it.

            This is doable.

            And here’s something else you’ll discover: Most health care professionals aren’t wild-eyed fanatics who are going to try to turn you into somebody you’re not – Most of them are pretty realistic and pretty down-to-Earth, because that’s where they live, too.

            So, forget about diet, forget about exercise and forget about those pictures you see in your head when somebody talks about this stuff, and just think about your life. Would you like to have more of it?

            You’d be surprised how little you have to do to do that, and this is doable.

           

              

Peninsula Daily News Column 6-14-12 "Tips on property tax exemptions, deferrals"

            Before we start anything else that we probably can’t finish, here’s a little something:

            Last week I mentioned some BIG changes with Kitsap Physician’s Service, which touches more than a couple of us around here. Here’s an e-mail I got from a reader who I happen to know to be a very sharp lady:

            “Hi Mark:  As usual I read your article this Thursday and almost fell off my chair when you stated KPS is ceasing to be!!!  My deceased husband was a federal employee in Bremerton and had KPS which transferred to me now.  I immediately called them and here is the scoop: Kitsap Physicians Service is alive and well.  They are only exiting individual and family plans due to rising health care costs, etc.  They are just too little a fish in a big pond, but their large employee plans, Federal plans, and Medicare supplement plans are CONTINUING.  Since so many of your readers are retired and quite a few "Bremerton or Kitsap Co. transplants", you might want to make this clear to them that if they are in Federal plans or Medicare supplement plans, their coverage is intact.”

            First, thank you! If it were me, I’d do exactly what this reader did and call Kitsap Physician’s Service to get the lowdown on MY situation.

Now, there are a few things in the Universe (besides Medicare and Medicaid) that just seem to defy common understanding, like the “Theory of Relativity” - Maybe E doesn’t = MC²? Well, whatever…

            Another is property taxes. Most of us, unless we work with it on a regular basis, just don’t really get how they’re calculated, and yours truly is certainly no exception, but here’s something I do understand: Making a daily choice between food or medicine, or turning on the heat vs. paying your doctor bill, or…That, I understand.

            However it is that property taxes are calculated, the fact is that they ARE calculated, and the counties in which we reside have virtually no senses of humor when it comes to our not being able to afford them…Or the medicine…Or the heat…So, here’s a bit about property tax exemptions and deferrals. These won’t apply to all of us because all of us don’t qualify, and rightfully so; but for those who do, these can be a lifesaver.

            If you’re a computer person and want to check my accuracy or get to all of the necessary forms or just can’t sleep, you can go to http://dor.wa.gov/Content/FindTaxesAndRates/PropertyTax/IncentivePrograms.aspx# and find more than you ever wanted to know; you’ll also find staff in the County Assessor’s office extremely helpful – I always have.

            So, let’s take a look and see if we’re even in the ballpark for any of these, and please remember this: These reflect state law, so they are STATEWIDE, so, Yes: If what you see here sounds like your cousin in Kent, holler at her! Ready?

            Property tax exemption for senior citizens and disabled persons (I don’t invent these titles): You’ve got to own real property and live in it more than half of the year, be 61 or better by December 31 of the tax year, or you have to be retired by reason of disability (and be able to prove it) or a veteran of the U.S. armed forces with 100% service-connected disability.

            AND your adjusted household income (Get it? “Household:” That means all of the income added together of everybody who actually lives there on a regular basis) can’t be more than $35,000. STOP: There are a number of expenses that can be subtracted from your income (including some medical expenses), so don’t be too quick to say, “Not me.” Best bet: Get your hands on the form(s) (web site above or call the Assessor’s Office and they’ll mail one to you) and actually read it. You might be pleasantly surprised.

            And what would you get? You’d get a reduction in the amount of property taxes due, based on your income, the value of the property, blah blah – Gone, never to return.

            Property tax deferral program for senior citizens and disabled persons: A lot of the same as above, like 61 or better or a person with a disability, own the place, live in it most of the time, etc, except that for this, the combined disposable (“adjusted”) income is $40,000 or less. What do you get?

            With the “exemption” above, part of your property tax went away – Permanently. This is a deferral, meaning that it doesn’t do away, it just has to be paid some other time, like when you sell the place or move on to better things or quit living there or…WAIT!

            This is where everybody always comes unglued: “The County will take the house!” No, they won’t, unless you or the heirs don’t pay the taxes due, and those “taxes due” are usually a LOT less than the price of buying a house, so the kids still came out ahead, get it?

            And, in the meantime, you got to stay home and live happily ever after! So, think it through before you throw it out.

            Property tax deferral program for homeowners with limited income (I know, sounds like most of us, right?): Forget the age and the “disability” part. You have to own and live in a place for at least five years, and have that “combined disposable income” of $57,000 (these are all “per year”) or less. Sound like anybody you know?

            What do you get? You get your 2^nd half property taxes deferred; true, those deferrals have to be paid if you die, sell the place, move out, whatever, but if you’re going through a rough patch and need a little help to get by…

            Property tax assistance program for widows or widowers of veterans: You have to be a widow or a widower, 62 or better or “disabled, of a vet who died as a result of a service-connected disability OR was rated 100% disabled by the VA 10 years prior to death OR was a former POW and rated 100% disabled for 1 year prior to death OR died in active duty or training status.

            AND your good old combined disposable income has to be $40,000 or less. Whew! What do you get? You get assistance for payment of property taxes in the form of a grant, based on income, property value, etc AND the grant does NOT have to be repaid as long as the applicant lives in the home until at least December 15 in the year the grant was received – THAT could seriously help.

            I know this stuff can put you into a coma, and Yes, you have to requalify annually and blah blah blah – It’s a lot like having a job! – But if you’re having to make the decisions like the ones I mentioned above, well…

            Now: A local gentleman with considerable research capabilities, breathtaking stubbornness and a considerable sense of humor has ascertained that contributions to a qualified IRA can also be deducted from your “adjusted income” – And even some VERY sharp County staff people didn’t know that! So, if this sounds like you to you, you may have to direct staff in the Assessor’s Office to the same WAC (Washington Administrative Code) to which he directed me: WAC-458-16A-115, section 2, paragraph “i.”

            Does your head hurt? Mine, too, but I know an 88-year-old gal who is eating, getting her medications and has the heat on comfortably low in her own little house, because of one of these headaches, so I’ll take the migraine, anytime.

Peninsula Daily News column 6-7-2012 "Don't dither on disability coverage"

            Here’s your news flash for the day: This is a pretty hard time for a lot of people, so the word “help” is taking on a more personal meaning for a lot more people than it used to – Very personal – And in my world, “help” is not a political thing, it’s about folks getting from one day to the next, and that just as easy as it used to be.

            One of the forms of “help” that comes up in my world is Social Security “disability” – Now, WAIT A MINUTE! I know that there are images and clichés about people on Disability building fences and playing racquetball, and I know that Social Security Disability has a legendary reputation for being almost impossible to actually get on! I also know that neither of those are true.

            Is there anyone on Disability who shouldn’t be? Probably; there are also people who lie about having earned military honors – So it goes – But not most.

            And Yes, Disability can be tough to access, but not as bad as you might think IF you think, and do it calmly, slowly, 1-step-at-a-time. If you need that help to get from one day to the next, and you think of it as your “job” AND you legitimately qualify, it is doable. Listen:

            If you’re not able to work because of a medical condition that’s expected to last at least one year or result in death, you might be in this ballpark (And Yes: Some people are on Social Security Disability for a while, get better, go back to work and get OFF of Disability). If this is sounding like you, apply for Disability benefits AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because this can take three to five months, on average. If the “disability” is anything other than blindness and your earnings are averaging $1,010 per month in 2012, you can go ahead and apply.

            Generally, you’re going to need:

1. Names, addresses and phone numbers of ever doctor, hospital, clinic, therapist whomever who has had anything to do with this condition, and the dates they saw you (or you saw them);
2. Names and dosages of medications;
3. Medical records that you may already have in your possession;
4. Lab and test results;
5. A summary of where all you worked and the kind of work you did.

Do NOT wait to apply for benefits because you don’t have all of this, because Social Security can and will help you get it. The quickest and easiest way to apply for Disability is to go online to www.socialsecurity.gov/applyfordisability - Get those wheels turning! Of course, you can also go into a Social Security office, or call 1-800-772-1213.

And if you just need to learn more about all of this, go to www.socialsecurity.gov/disability where you’ll find a cool little “Disability Starter Kit” (No, I’m not kidding) where you can learn a whole lot, real quick.

Good luck!

…and speaking of “good luck,” as many of us are keenly aware, Kitsap Physician’s Service is ceasing to be, and that is NOT good news, for a whole lot of reasons, not the least of which is attempting to navigate the predator-infested, obstacle course/minefield of finding alternative insurance. I’m sorry to say that I don’t have any easy answers, but I do have a couple of things you need to know.

Governor Gregoire signed Senate Bill 6412 (reference RCW 48.43.018 (1)(i)), that basically says that if you’re seeking an individual health plan because your current carrier is discontinuing coverage by July 1, 2012, you can avoid having to complete the dreaded “health questionnaire” if:

1. You apply within 90 days of your current plan shutting down;
2. You had at least 24 months of continuous coverage prior to the shutting down, and
3. …the benefits you had are equal-to-or-greater-than the ones you’re wanting to purchase.

Did you get that? NO HEALTH QUESTIONNAIRE!

Now, reference RCW 48.43.018 (4)(b) that basically says that a NEW carrier shall credit an applicant’s (you) period of coverage in a preceding catastrophic health plan.”…toward any preexisting condition waiting period…” (Italics mine) if:

1. The preceding plan shut down by July 1, 2012;
2. You were enrolled in the preceding plan for the 63-day period immediately preceding your application for the new policy, and…
3. …the benefits you had are equal-to-or-greater-than the ones you’re wanting to purchase.

Did you get that? You might be able to beat the “preexisting condition waiting period!”

And did you notice what is absolutely vital in both of these happy little maneuvers? DON’T DITHER ABOUT! If you’re not working on this already, start working on it NOW! And if you need help, call any of the numbers at the end of this column and they’ll help you, without making you feel like an idiot. You’re not.

No, I’m sorry to say, I don’t know why everything seems to be so complicated, anymore, but I sure know that feeling; nonetheless, here we are, and wringing our hands over it while we paralyze ourselves into doing nothing will accomplish exactly that: Nothing.

We didn’t get “here” because we were afraid. We got here because we did what had to be done to take care of ourselves and our families.

That hasn’t changed.

Peninsula Daily News column 5-31-2012 "Little of this, that can go a long way"

            Good Morning! It’s the last day of May! And hope springs eternal, if we let it.

            Let it.

            Some of us may have encountered the phrase “on task,” along the labyrinthine ways of our lives – It simply means that we were paying attention to what we were doing – Concentrating – Not letting ourselves be distracted by the less pressing or seductively inconsequential. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been ON TASK for quite a few weeks now.

            And there always comes a time, particularly in my work, when it’s worth the time to go back through “THE PILE” to see what I may have missed, because I never know what might be very important to somebody, so here’s a little of this and a little of that – We’ll start with a “this:”

            You may or may not have ever heard the phrase “pharmaceutical assistance programs;” it refers to a group of programs designed and run by the various pharmaceutical manufacturers that sometimes, depending upon your income and other circumstances, may help you get a particular prescription drug at a substantially discounted price, or even free. This is particularly relevant if you are (a) in the Part D “doughnut hole,” or (b) don’t even qualify for Medicare yet, need a particular prescription drug and don’t have much in the way of money laying around.

            One of the tricks with these programs has always been to find them, then figure out to try to access them. Medicare.gov has now added a new page to its web site that sorts these programs alphabetically and includes info on program eligibility, benefits/assistance available and web site and/or contact info.

            Go to http://www.medicare.gov/pharmaceutical-assistance-program/index.aspx and have a look. NOTE: You don’t have to be on Medicare to look at the Medicare web site.

            How about a “that:”

            I’m sorry to report that the Bad Guys haven’t gone away – They’ve just been evolving from one form of slime into another, and it’s another phone scam. A person claiming to be a “jury duty coordinator” (or something like that) calls and says that he or she needs to verify that the person had received a jury duty summons, because a warrant has been issued for their arrest. Get your attention?

            When the person, predictably, states that they’ve never received said jury duty summons, the caller asks for their Social Security number and date of birth to verify their information and cancel the warrant. BOOM! You’ve been had.

            And here’s another “this” that looks a lot like the last “that:”

            A Medicare client (there are a lot of us) gets a call from someone claiming to be with the “WalMart Promotion Center,” delivering the happy news that you, Medicare client, have just won a $1,000 gift card! All you need to do is confirm name, e-mail address and phone number.

            The caller then tells the person that they are currently out of gift cards (…right…) BUT, with a bank account number, they’ll just deposit the $1,000 in their account today. How…generous.

            Or the generous caller will give the person the option of entering their bank account info on the “WalMart Promotional” web site; either way, you’ve just been had, and you will spend a lot of your future trying to clean up the mess. Just say, “No!” or feel free to substitute a Harveyesque expletive.

            Are you up for one more “this?” Or “that?” I lost track, but it doesn’t matter – It’s Sunday, for crying-out-loud! Listen:

            Maybe you, or one of your kids or someone you like has been trying to get around to reading that booklet on Social Security since…well, a long time; shockingly, you never seem to quite get around to it. I know. I get it. Try this:

            What if you could listen to an audio version? Seriously! You can. Social Security has more than a hundred of their publications in audio format, in both English and Spanish. You can get at them by going to http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/alt-pubs.html.

            If that doesn’t work so well, you can always call 1-800-772-1213 for assistance.

            By the way, you can also get these publications in Braille, enlarged print and even cassette or CD. If you are visually impaired and have trouble reading a notice from Social Security, you can call Social Security and ask them to read it to you – Seriously! – They’ll even explain it to you! And you can call as often as necessary to get the info you need. They will not take your name and put it on the “We Hate this WACKO” list.

            Now, true, you might have to wait on the phone for the help, but once you get it, you should be treated well – I always have been.

            Enough? Sure. Go enjoy the last day of May, and if someone tries to shame you into doing something productive, just tell them that Harvey said that you’ve been “on task” for long enough already.

               

Peninsula Daily News column 5-24-2012 "What needs to change for 'you,' not 'us'

          This is “Life on Earth” for those of us who are still earth-bound, and trying to clean up behind those who are no longer terrestrially constrained.

          And it isn’t easy, it isn’t pretty, it isn’t quick and it’s never “clean,” but we can do this – Because that’s the commitment we made.

          From a business perspective, the worst is over, or well on its way. And because you’re working from THE BOOK or the list or whatever it is that you guys put together to guide the one left behind, this is all infinitely easier than it would have been without – Trust me.

          So, here are a few somewhat miscellaneous and definitely random thoughts to consider as we try to put all of this to bed like, do we need to address the name(s) on titled vehicles? Other titled property?

          And did we inform/work with creditors, credit card companies and various and sundry accounts? Close what needed to be closed?

          And are we keeping pretty good notes about what’s been negotiated with whom on what day about what? I know it feels like you’ll NEVER forget – But you will. Take notes, then glance at them the next morning to see if they’d make any sense to you six months from now.

          You notified home, business and auto insurance companies, right?

          What adjustments do we need to make our checking accounts and/or savings accounts and/or investment accounts and/or safety deposit box?

          Remember, you are “you” now, not “us,” so what needs to change?

          And here’s one that can be a real ambush: INCOME TAXES! That’s right, the fact that somebody has the nerve to die doesn’t exempt them from being non-exempt, so he/she may owe taxes for all or part of the previous tax year. You want to keep whatever records would be necessary to pull this off, and you want to be emotionally “ready” – Well, as “ready” as any of us can ever get.

          As we’ve been doing what needs to be done these last few weeks, some rather remarkable people have shared some good thoughts with me, so allow me to share them with you. On the subject of “tying up loose ends,” I’ve heard: CLEAN THE GARAGE! (No kidding – Think about it) and I’ve heard that if you have a houseful of antiques, go around with a video camera and record what each piece is, who it might go to and what it might be worth, so the kids or grandkids don’t haul it off to the second-hand store.

          I’ve heard that, if you have lots of hobby or craft items, like a woodworking shop or jewelry or whatever, either sell them, price them or give them to someone who understands them! Don’t leave your spouse wondering what to do with the gun collection that she might be afraid to touch or using that $300 piece of ebony for firewood!

          I had thought I might conclude all this with the story of my mother’s passing, but now I think not; no, I think I’m pretty much done with death, at least for now, and you probably are, too.

          Nature, it’s said, abhors a vacuum, and death leaves a hole – A hole that will be filled with something: tears, depression, isolation, alcohol, drugs, illness, etc, or life, people pets, involvement work, family, happy memories or some combination thereof, but be filled it will! May you choose to remain among the living.

          I was contacted by a lady who told me that, even after 12 years, she still “…couldn’t let him (her deceased husband) go.” I think she hoped that I’d have an answer – I didn’t, and I don’t.

          But as we talked, I heard a lady who was alive: she was involved with, and cared deeply about her family, she had hobbies of her own, she was certainly nobody’s fool and her sense of humor was intact. She missed him terribly and was very lonely – But “alive.”

          So maybe it’s all in how we interpret what we experience. The pain of the loss, she said, has never lessened or gone away, and from listening, I doubt that it ever will; yet, I know people who would give anything to have what she has. Is she a victim? I don’t think so. Is she just looking for attention? No.

          Her pain – Her loss – Is very real, and it’s real every day. She’s done all the “right” stuff, near as I can tell, but she still hurts. How come?

          Well, she describes a deep, true, all-day-every-day love – A best friend – Who’s gone. And if you’ve had that, is it reasonable to expect that the pain will ever go away? I don’t know, but I’m inclined to suspect probably not. Maybe that’s the price we pay for grabbing the brass ring! When something is that good, it’s bound to cost dearly.

          So, would we decline the prize, out of fear? Not me. I would – I have – Accepted gratefully, knowing full well that I’m taking my chances.

          We don’t generally think about “warm” until we start to get cold, and we don’t generally think about “light” until it starts to get dark. Maybe we wouldn’t take the time to appreciate – To live – life, if it weren’t for the inevitability of death. Maybe not.

          I’ll go my own way and you’ll go yours, but we’ll all end up calling it the same thing: Life on Earth.

Peninsula Daily News column 5-17-12 "You're not alone when dealing with death"

            Alright, “Life on Earth” has become “dealing with death” – The death of your partner, or whomever.

            The emotions will come when they come, and you can’t stop them, so don’t try, but I can, so I’m going to leave most of the “emotion” out of this and focus on “business;” remember, your best asset right now is THE BOOK or the list or whatever you guys put together to guide the other through this: Trust it, follow it.

            Was your partner an organ donor? Does everybody who needs to know that, know that??

Contact everybody who needs to be immediately contacted: kids, family friends – Pallbearers?

Immediately notify any entity that is routinely sending money so they will stop sending money (Social Security = 1-800-772-1213, VA = 1-800-827-1000). NOT doing this will only further complicate an already complicated situation, and you will end up sending it back. Remember, too, that if VA might have a part to play in a service, they’re going to need to know. You’ll generally find these folks (and many others) to be genuinely sympathetic and eager to help.

Is there to be a service? Then, you’re going to need to start getting that organized, and you’re going to need to be “in synch” with the funeral directors. Two thoughts: (1) unfortunately, bad guys read the newspaper, too, so if you publish a date and time for a service, burglars know when to hit, right? Sad, but true, so you’re going to need to have someone holding the fort; (2) funeral directors can be some of your best friends right now, so listen, ask questions and let them help you - what is mysterious to us is commonplace to them.

One of the ways that funeral directors can be incredibly helpful is by providing you with certified death certificates. You will need these as you work through the financial labyrinth, e.g. life insurance policies, banks, etc, so get several, like 5-10. You can get more, down the way, if you need them, but they’ll cost more.

Are there organizations that need to be contacted, e.g. fraternal, professional, etc? Are they involved with the service?

I’ve already mentioned a “service” several times, so just a brief thought: Let’s face it, funerals (or whatever) are irrelevant to the folks who have died. Funerals are for the ones left behind, the ones that need a way to say “goodbye,” so they can move on, so maybe some of us who are less-than-enthusiastic about the idea of a “service” shouldn’t be so quick to “forbid” it; after all, everything isn’t about us, and we’ve probably caused enough trouble already.

You’re going to need to file the will and, if applicable, get probate wheels turning. If the two of you were married, you hopefully executed a “community property agreement” which will DRAMATICALLY reduce the transfer of assets. If you need an attorney, get one – Screwing things up now will not make them be cheaper, later.

I mentioned life insurance policies, so apply for benefits, as applicable. You’re going to want to have the policy and a certified death certificate in front of you – This is America, money counts. By the way, does all of this suggest that you need to adjust your life insurance policies? Or need to talk to a financial planner about your own future? Not right now? – Understood, but make a note.

Did I say “money counts?” Look, even if the deceased had all his/her ducks in a row, it’s going to take a while for the legal and financial dust to settle, so contact creditors and make whatever arrangements are necessary; generally, you’ll find most folks and businesses to be understanding and willing to work with you (that was certainly my experience!), but you need to communicate with them.

Family members and/or friends providing funds to cover immediate needs will be reimbursed from the estate when it’s settled, so keep meticulous records of who did what, paid what or loaned to who and when.

And don’t be in a huge hurry to pay every medical bill that comes in – Wait for that dust to settle a little, too; Medicare, insurance, Medicaid, VA, whomever will likely be picking up significant chunks, so let it shake out. And this health insurance stuff is making no sense to you at all? Then, call SHIBA (Statewide Health Insurance Benefits Advisors) at any of the numbers listed at the end of this column – It does make sense to them.

I wish I could say that we’re done, but we’re not; at this point, though, the “worst” (of the business-part) should be over or rolling. We’ll finish it next week.

Last thought for today, aimed mostly at us guys, but it doesn’t hurt anybody to hear it:

We are not now, nor were we ever, as tough as we think we are. If you have a “support system” (family, friends, church, fraternal organizations, buddies, professionals, card players, neighbors, whomever), USE THEM! Talk to them and with them! Do NOT carry this alone! Most people say, “If there’s anything I can do…” because they would, if they knew what “it” was, and they won’t, unless you (We!) speak up.

Here’s the one thing we can say about doing this alone: It’s lonely.