Up until today, “Life on Earth” has been about getting ready for death, and we’ve all known it. Well, today “Life on Earth” really is about “life” because it’s about what the one left behind has to actually do – And there’s a lot. So from here on out, “you” are the one who’s left to clean it up, put it together, keep it together and keep on keepin’ on.
Because that’s your job, that’s why.
And I’m going to come from the perspective that “you” are the partner; sure, you could be the offspring or the sister or the grandson or whomever, but I’m assuming that “you” is you, who’s been around through the whole “getting ready” part.
I’d hoped to present a complete list of what-all you need to do, and in exactly what order, when I realized that’s impossible; for one thing, some of it doesn’t matter what order you do it in (if it does, I’ll tell you), and for another, you are “you” – And if there’s anything that defines who we are and how we experience the world, it’s death and loss, so be who you are.
You may or may not know that there is a growing movement that involves “green” burials, what can actually be legally done at home (Quite a bit!) and, generally, some pretty dramatic departures from the traditional ways that we Americans handle death; in my opinion, a lot of it is refreshingly sane and wonderfully human and personal, but I’m not going to go there. I’m not going to go there because (a) I don’t know that much about it (yet, but by the way, there are amazing folks on the Peninsula who do), and (b) most of us aren’t “there” – Yet. So, my approach here is going to be more-or-less traditional.
It’s happened. He or she is gone. I’m sorry. Please remember this as you try to keep putting one foot in front of the other: he or she is fine. It’s over for them, so when you cry, you’re crying for you. And that’s allowed and will be allowed all along the way – Anytime, anywhere – So, here’s the first thing to do: cry, or whatever it is you do when it’s “crying time.”
Assuming that preplanning, if not prepaying, was accomplished, tell whoever needs to know, e.g. hospital staff, what firm to contact for the care of the remains, or (worst case) call them yourself – They all have 24-hour availability, it’s the nature of the business. Here’s the next thing to do: stop.
You’ve just done the one thing that you absolutely had to do RIGHT NOW, so just stop and do what you need to do. Some of us will need to cry. Some of us will need to call (and talk to!) the kids (or whomever). Some of us will need to sleep – Maybe out of exhaustion, maybe out of self-defense – It doesn’t matter why, so go ahead. And some of us will need to get right to work, because that’s how we deal with stuff like this.
It’s all OK, and don’t waste your time analyzing your pseudo-Freudian motives. You just lost someone you love, so do whatever you need to do and don’t worry about it.
Here’s something I hope you do, as soon as you reasonably can: Get somebody to help you pull-off all the detail stuff that’s going to come next; for one, thing, there’s a LOT, and for another, your emotions are going to ambush you – Grief, anger, frustration, loneliness, fear – And they’ll get you when you least expect it. That can put a serious dent in your ability to get things done; it can also make you stupid – For instance, what you hear the Social Security representative saying when you’re crying uncontrollable might be a very different thing from what you hear when you’re not, get it?
So, if you have access to competent, trustworthy help, accept it, but remember that you are still calling the shots.
Because that’s your job, that’s why.
Next, remember to live – I’m not kidding. Remember to eat, remember to sleep, remember to pay the bills, remember to lock the door, remember to get gas in the car, remember to take a shower, remember to take your own medications…Get it? I’m not kidding. You have a job to do, and you’re partner trusted you to do it, so you have a responsibility to yourself to keep yourself functional.
Here’s the last thing you need to do “today:” Go get THE BOOK or the list or whatever it is that you guys put together, because you’re going to need it, and if you’re mind has shut-down or is whirling in chaos, it might comfort you to have it, see it and touch it.
It might also remind you how much you were loved.
And right now, that’s worth remembering.
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