In my world, this is what’s known as a “reality check:” Christmas is five days from today.
If that realization strikes terror into your heart (or should!), I may be able to help.
I may not – We’ll see.
In the past, which for me is anytime that wasn’t within the last 20 minutes, I’ve been known to provide last-minute gift ideas for Elders to those of us who are less-than-focused. Given my infinite capacity for generosity, mercy and tolerance, I started out to do exactly that today and, certainly, I’m quite capable of generating an avalanche of wonderful ideas.
But then I got to thinking about the “Elders” I know (and I know more than a few!) and what they’d want for Christmas, or whatever other gift-giving event might be occurring for you and yours, and what came up was apparent and universal: Dignity and respect.
Don’t go look those words up in whatever passes in your life for a dictionary – I didn’t. I didn’t because most of us think we know what they mean, and if we think we already know, we’re certainly not going to allow ourselves to be distracted by facts.
Now, forget about whatever it is that you think those words mean and think about you – Yes, You. How do you like it when somebody treats you like an idiot, or a child or someone who is generally incapable of running their own lives? Maybe it’s in a doctor’s or dentist’s office. Maybe it’s an insurance person, particularly a health insurance person! Maybe someone or something having to do with finances or taxes, or the washing machine repair guy, or almost anybody who knows more about computers and technology that you do, which seems like almost anybody! How does that feel?
It makes me feel…angry. And embarrassed. And resentful. And incompetent. It makes me feel…less than. And I don’t like feeling “less than…” - Neither do you.
And do you know what often happens when we’re in a situation where some jerk has made us feel “less than…?” We start acting “less than:” We don’t mean to and we don’t like to and we often kick ourselves ALL THE WAY HOME!
But we do; we start acting the way we were treated: Less than.
You don’t like it and I don’t like it, so why, pray tell, would we treat people that we claim to like that way? Well, we probably wouldn’t, if we thought about it, so THINK ABOUT IT!
I don’t know if it’s Mom or Dad, or Grandma or Grandpa or the neighbor or an old friend or somebody you’ve never seen before in your life, but somewhere in your life, there’s an Elder; for some of us, we don’t have to look any farther than the nearest mirror, but let’s don’t get distracted by overly-personal distractions, so we’ll assume we’re talking about someone else.
Let’s say it’s “Mom,” a personal favorite of mine. I sit with a lot of folks who are trying to do everything they can to “help” Mom, and they’re trying to do everything they can because they care – Genuinely, honestly! – So, often, they go out and do a lot of stuff (arrange for a lot of “help”) for Mom because they can see what she “needs,” and, often, they’re right. They love Mom and they want to keep Mom safe.
Safe.
But the problem, sometimes, is that nobody checked it out with Mom: Does she want this person or that gadget or this agency or these meals or or or…? Maybe not.
“…but she NEEDS it!”
That wasn’t the question.
“We want her to be safe!”
Me, too.
“So, what-the heck are you SAYING??”
I’m saying that when we “help” somebody, that usually suggests that they need help – Or we think they do. That they can’t do it alone.
How would you feel if I suddenly came along and decided to “help” you? You didn’t ask me to – I just decided that you needed it, so here’s the “help” that, I see, you obviously NEED! Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you grateful? Aren’t you just thrilled that I was able to know what you needed in order for you to continue your pathetic little existence and be SAFE??
No? Why NOT?
Right.
Now, go look up “dignity” and “respect” (I did), and let’s begin again.
When we treat people like they need help, they start acting like they do, whether they do or not. So, am I saying that we should all stop helping Mom? OF COURSE NOT! (…geez…What do you think I do all day long?)
What I’m saying is that “help” has to be wanted – Accepted – Before it qualifies as “help;” when it is, life can be better, easier, safer and, maybe, even longer! But when it’s not, it just makes us feel…less than.
So we start acting “less than,” and pretty soon we become “less than;” less than what we were, less than what we could be, less than what we wanted to be, less than what we used to be – Less than.
The missing piece is, usually, the conversation – The Negotiation! – That turns “help” into being part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.
Negotiation. If you take nothing else from today’s diatribe, take that word – Negotiation – And have it tattooed on your heart. Negotiation.
Now, does all of this let you off the hook for getting Mom a Christmas present? No, it was never intended to. It was intended to help you figure out what a “gift” is…
..and what it isn’t.
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