Peninsula Daily News Column 5-30-2013 "Don't let fear, loneliness conquer you"

          Sometimes, by best friend and I end up in different places – Different zip codes. It’s not because we want to or choose to, it’s just the nature of trying to get by and survive in America in 2013.

          It isn’t her fault and it isn’t my fault – It just…is; so, we both do the best we can to stay “connected,” remember the “bigger picture” and relish the time that we do have together – None of which is always effective against a thing called “loneliness.”

          And it isn’t very hard – And it doesn’t take very long – For me to start talking to myself; worse, it doesn’t take very long at all to start listening to myself, and beginning to believe what I hear.

          Not good! But it could be a whole lot worse, because I know that it will end and that there is somebody out there who cares – Deeply.

          Last week I went on about loneliness. Here’s what I said:

“Because eventually, if we make ourselves do something, we’ll rejoin the world and we’ll discover that people do care, because we started caring. Think about that.

          We started caring – For ourselves. And it’s not a big step from there to caring about somebody or something else, maybe people and things that we’ve never heard of.

          ‘That sounds HARD.’ It is, because you’ve become your own best friend and your own worst enemy, so you’re going to have to start listening to somebody else. You’re going to have to do something about you.

          Because loneliness kills – Trying doesn’t.”

          I was then, and I am now, talking about genuine, extended loneliness – Being alone a lot, for a long time; clearly, that doesn’t describe me, but it does describe a lot of people that I’ve seen and known over the years, and life can get very hard, very quickly – Because all we have to think about is us:

          We reflect ourselves and dissect ourselves. We over-examine, over-think, over-analyze – We begin to take ourselves VERY seriously! And that’s almost never good, because we “should have” done better and we “could have” done better and we “would have” done better – Shoulda, coulda, woulda – Over and over and over. No wonder nobody loves us (or even likes us!) – WE don’t even like us! Because we shoulda, coulda, woulda.

          Or “shouldn’t have” or “couldn’t have” or “wouldn’t have” – It doesn’t matter, because here we are. Here I am, being very much alone, and getting weirder by the moment.

          So, what I said last week, and am finally getting around to saying again today, is that we have to do SOMETHING! We have to make ourselves get up, get dressed, go out and do SOMETHING! Something that involves us being around other humans: Maybe it’s loitering in the “produce” section or taking up yoga – SOMETHING.

          And if we’re smart, we’ll pick some SOMETHINGS that involve doing something for other living things: maybe it’s volunteering with an organization that does good things or walking dogs who live in shelters or visiting that old friend in the nursing home who may not even recognize you.

          Maybe it’s tutoring kids, or talking to somebody to find out about what it would take to tutor kids or maybe it’s just visiting somebody who’s lonely, because here’s something pretty strange: Lonely people tend to know lonely people (Oh, Yes, you do!) – It’s a radar! We can feel it! We know it when we see it, because we see it in the mirror.

          Do SOMETHING! And do it FOR somebody! Or someTHING that will do something for somebody.

          Force yourself – An act of will – Because you will NOT “…feel like it.” What you’ll “feel like” is doing what you’ve been doing which is being alone and listening to yourself, because (often) what’s underneath loneliness is fear, and what we’re afraid of is finding out that what we’ve been telling ourselves is true: That we really are bad, useless, have nothing to contribute to anything or anybody and deserve exactly what we’re getting, which is nothing.

          But, don’t over-analyze it! Who cares?? It doesn’t matter! Do SOMETHING! Start thinking about somebody else, even if you’ve never met that “somebody else,” because if we start thinking about somebody else, we will STOP thinking about us! – And, Lord knows, we’ve been doing more-than-enough of that!

          The “best time” to do SOMETHING will not be tomorrow and it won’t be Monday and it won’t be Saturday afternoon, after you’ve defrosted the freezer – Again. The best time to do SOMETHING is right now – Yes! Right now! Put down the paper, brush your teeth, get dressed and get your **** out the door and do SOMETHING! Do it with somebody or for somebody – Animals count.

          I don’t care if you’re shy and I don’t care if this sounds scary; look: You know darned-good-and-well that plenty of people helped you along the way, and there were plenty of times when they didn’t have to – They just did. You owe this, so get out the door and go “pay up!” Right now.

          If you do this – I mean, really do this, honestly – And you don’t feel better, then come back home and write me an angry e-mail about how I shoot my mouth off about things I don’t know anything about; then, I’ll e-mail you back, defending myself – Then, you’ll e-mail me about being defensive and I’ll e-mail you, defending my defensiveness, then…

          Funny, how that works…



Peninsula Daily News Column 5-23-2013 "Loneliness can be a deadly disease"

          I’m setting out to talk about loneliness and being alone – If you can’t relate to either of those because your life is so filled with people that you crave a few moments to yourself, and you don’t know anyone who might be living under the velvet hammer of loneliness, then you might find this column ever-so-boring – But you’re into it now, right? So, what-the-heck? It won’t take long.

          Anytime anyone sets out to talk about “humans” or “people,” they automatically start out be being wrong, because nothing applies to everybody and nobody feels or does all the same things as anybody; in other words, there are always “outliers:” folks who are on the extreme ends of our old friend, the bell-shaped curve.

          Some of us just seem to be naturally “social:” We gravitate to people and people gravitate to us. We love it! We fill up our days and nights with entertaining, communicating, involving, participating and we often punctuate the rare in-between spaces with phone calls and/or texts and/or e-mail and/or FACEBOOK and or preventing the neighbor from getting anything productive accomplished outside.

          Some of us just seem to be, naturally, “loners:” That doesn’t (usually) mean ANTI-social, or hostile or what-not – It just means that we don’t need a great deal of human interaction, relish our time alone and, with the obvious exceptions of people we love, family, pets, whatever, would just as soon be left alone to our own preferred devices, thank-you-very-much.

          So be it.

          But most of us, as is usually the case with almost anything, are somewhere in-between, meaning that we need doses of both, with the emphasis on the former, because humans tend to flock – We are, by nature, social critters, but don’t panic: I have no intention of launching into treatise about the development of the species or the obvious observations about how many humans does it take to throw a saber-toothed tiger BBQ, because I think I most of us have already agreed to the premise, more or less.

          Good. So, what?

          Well, the “so what” is that when circumstances and happenstances conspire in such a way that the result is our being a lone – A lot! – Things often don’t go so well. There can be a million reasons why we end up being alone too much, death and loss being a biggie. Or the kids had to leave home or we had to relocate or there have been medical “issues” or we became a “caregivers” (Yes, caregivers can be very “alone”) or neighbors moved or we stopped driving or our income got whacked or or or…Often, it’s a combination of several of those and/or the 987 other possibilities, but the result is the same: We’re alone.

          A lot.

          True, there can be a fine-line between loneliness and isolation, but we covered that ground not too long ago. And, true, depression (however “low level” it might be) can shove a lot of us in a direction that we wouldn’t normally choose, but we’ve up and down that block, too; no, I’m talking about loneliness: Not chosen, not wanted, not preferred – Deadly.

          Oh, Yes! After 26 years of saving the world with magical programs and acronyms, here’s what I’ve learned: Loneliness kills.

          When it happens, most of us try hard to beat it: We stick to our daily routines and “responsibilities” and rituals, try to do the “right things” and try not to “let ourselves go” and “keep up appearances” and, if applicable, tell the daughter in Minnesota, “I’m fine, Dear! I have so many books and…”

          And many of us are reasonably successful at “beating it,” and sometimes for some time! But, eventually, “alone” starts to get loud – Very loud.

          Because the hurt in our hearts creates that noise in our minds – Ourselves talking to ourselves – And we start making up stuff: It’s hopeless. I’ll always be alone. I deserve to be alone, because look at all the bad things I’ve done. Nobody loves me, nobody ever did, what’s the point…? I don’t contribute anything. I’m useless. Nobody needs me. It’ll never be any better – It will only get worse. I don’t even remember how to talk to people. I look funny. I’d just embarrass myself and people will laugh and…what’s the point?

          The noise in our minds, ourselves talking to ourselves. Dead people walking.

          Here’s what we have to do: Something.

          “I don’t feel like doing anything.” I know, that’s the point.

          “What would I do?” Anything! Go wander around in a store or go wander around in the library or…

          “I don’t have a car.” Take the bus.

          “I don’t know how to use the bus.” Learn.

          “That’s scary!” I don’t care.

          Go to church – Go to any church! Go to a poetry reading (“I don’t like poetry.” I don’t care).

          Go to a meeting of people who grow mushrooms. (“What?! I don’t know anything about mushrooms and I don’t care!” I don’t care).

          “I’m sick and it’s hard for me to get out.” Hard? – Or impossible?

          “I just don’t feel like it.” I know – That’s the point.

          We don’t have to pick the “right thing” – It just has to be some thing; then, another thing – We’ll figure out the “right thing,” eventually.

          Because eventually, if we make ourselves do something, we’ll rejoin the world and we’ll discover that people do care, because we started caring. Think about that.

          We started caring – For ourselves. And it’s not a big step from there to caring about somebody or something else, maybe people and things that we’ve never heard of.

          “That sounds HARD.” It is, because you’ve become your own best friend and your own worst enemy, so you’re going to have to start listening to somebody else. You’re going to have to do something about you.

          Because loneliness kills – Trying doesn’t.

           



Peninsula Daily News Column 5-16-2013 "On scams, censuls data, life planning"

          Does it ever occur to you that “stupid” should hurt?

          A couple of weeks ago, right here in our own little corner of the world, a reader got an evening phone call to the effect that a PRE-paid “emergency device” was waiting for her – All she had to do was press “#1” and provide delivery instructions; Oh, and even the shipping was pre-paid by someone (someone, apparently, who felt the need to remain anonymous) who was “…concerned about her falling.”

          Really? Someone is so concerned about your well-being that they’re willing to pay for a “device” (AND the shipping) but don’t want you to know who they are or bother to ask if you want it, need it, understand it or might do anything other than use it for a doorstop? That seems…unlikely.

          The reader summarily hung up. Good! Because it was at least an attempt to scam her, and/or Medicare and/or SOMEBODY – See? A textbook example of a situation in which “stupid” would have hurt.

          But let’s cheer ourselves up by talking about ourselves, which is a topic that most humans find fascinating; specifically, the 2011 U.S. Census numbers are in (well, I know, but the wheels of wheel-counting turn slowly), and we are an interesting crowd – “We” being “older adults.”

          The U.S. Census defines “older adults” as 65 or better; some of us could argue with that seemingly arbitrary number, but some of us also have better things to do than attempt to correct the U.S. Census Bureau – I know I do; thus, 65 or better, it is. Listen:

*The number of us “older adults” lurking about increased from 35 million in 2000 to 41.4 million in 2011, which comes out to be an 18% increase and, apparently, we’re just getting warmed up because we’re projected to increase to 79.7 million in 2040, which is only 27 years away! You might have grandchildren who are 27! See? That’s not that long from now. We are not, my friends, a “minority” or a “fringe” – We are a voting bloc! One out of every 8 humans in the country! Keep that in mind. Oh, and just as an aside, the 85+ crowd is projected to come in at 14.1 million by 2040;

*People who get to 65 have an average, additional life expectancy of 20.4 years for females and 17.8 for males (sorry, Guys, we’re just not as bullet-proof as we’d like to think we are); so, does that tell anybody anything about “financial planning?” Outliving our money is a lot like outliving our health insurance – Oops!

*So, we shouldn’t be surprised to hear that “older” women outnumbered older men, 23.4 million to 17.9 million, which might account for the fact that older men were much more likely to be married than older women – 72% of men vs. 45% of women. In 2012, 37% of older women were widows. Does that tell us anything about financial planning?

*28% of us (11.8 million, to be achingly precise) who didn’t live in some manner of “institution,” lived alone – That’s better than 1 out of every 4, and half (well, OK, 46%) of older women lived alone!

*The “median income” (meaning, half were above and half were below) for older adults in 2011 was $27,707 for males and $15,362 for females…hmm…Aren’t we rich? Maybe not, because in 2010, the major source of income for 86% of us was Social Security! By the way, 26% reported that their “major source of income” was “earnings.”

*Something called a “supplemental poverty measure” (which, apparently, is a little different from the good, old “poverty measure”) shows 15.1% of us were below the poverty line. The report I’m reading states: “This increase is mainly due to including medical out-of-pocket expenses in the poverty calculations.” No kidding.

*And just so you know that we’re not all living alone, spending our days in the counting house counting all our money, 497,000 grandparents had the primary responsibility for their grandchildren, who lived with them, in 2011.

          So, what do you think? We hear a lot of cute little one-liners and bumper sticker BS about who we are and what we do and what we need and what we don’t need and what we want and what we don’t want and what we don’t deserve and blah blah blah – But this is what’s actually true, greed and politics aside.

          Let all of that sink-in, but be very careful, because the easy “take away” from stuff like this is, “I’m going to live to this particular age, alone, then die with no money” – Wait a minute! That’s obviously not true, and any of us who have been out of the house in the last 7 days know it! Look around – What do you see?

          And when you think about these numbers, what do you see? One thing you could see might be an opportunity to think about what you’re doing and how you’re doing it; the fact is, most of us are going to be around for a good, long time, so everybody had better get used to it and start planning for it.

          How do you want your life to be? How do you want it to look? What’s important to you? What isn’t?

          We didn’t start acting like were dead when we were 27 – Why would we start acting that way at 66? Right: We wouldn’t, so don’t.

          Think about all these numbers, then think about people you know, because you could choose to make a difference in their lives – If you weren’t dead – And I’m pretty sure you’re not, because very few dead people read this column.

          Here’s another way to think about it: We’re winning!

          …and it’s about **** time! 



Peninsula Daily News Column 5-9-2013 "Shake off scams with fun family fair"

          I confess that I’ve always had a little trouble with the phrase, “…lost my temper.” I, for one, have never misplaced my temper – I’ve always known exactly where it was and have had ready access to it; thus, when I hear about yet another scam designed to dupe decent people into hurting themselves so some jerk somewhere can get richer, I tend to get…angry.

          I must also confess, however, that sometimes these attempts at conning people who don’t deserve to get conned are idiotic to the point of laughable; listen:

          Very recently, I received an e-mail from a reader who had a received a phone call at 7:52 in the morning from some guy who addressed the reader by name and said he was calling with “…special offers from Medicare.” Having been on the receiving end of the “Grandson scam” in the past, this reader promptly and (I hope) unceremoniously hung up. Good! While I might personally have added a few unsolicited expletives, I applaud the reader for allowing good sense to prevail over “courtesy” and keep that Social Security and/or Medicare number safe!

          But you have to wonder, don’t you? “Special offers from Medicare??” Really? Do we think that “Medicare” is having a time-limited, 10% off sale with a money-back guarantee? Really? Give me a break! Yes, I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night.

          “Medicare,” or any other legitimate Federal or State agency would NEVER do this, or anything like this! Never! Now, we could certainly get calls from people marketing this-or-that Part D or Advantage or Medicare supplement plan – Such is life in America – But if we do, they won’t be trying to hustle your Medicare or Social Security number and they won’t object if we say that we want to think about it; so, get off the phone, then think about it!

          Honestly! Do we suppose that Medicare is trying to find new customers? Just shake your head and try to find something more…uplifting to think about, like…

          …the 3^rd annual “Forks Family Fair!” Well, why not? Day after tomorrow, May 11, 10:00 to 3:00 at the Forks Elks Lodge, which remains firmly situated at 941 Merchant Road – In Forks! Well, why not?

          This isn’t just about “Elders,” which is why it’s called a “Family Fair,” because it’s going to be about the whole family, including kids. And to prove it, there’s going to be a free model rocket demonstration by the Olympic Peninsula Rocketry 4-H Club! (Watch: The kids will have to fight their way through the rest of us to be able to get a look).

          There will be folks and info from the Red Cross and a Veterans disability expert and “Project Lifesaver” and the CHiPS Child ID program.

          Throw in home health and some folks who can demonstrate and explain “environmental modifications” (think, making your home more friendly) like walk-in bathtubs and physical therapy and in-home care.

          “Information & Assistance (us) will be over the place, pointing out points of interest like the Northwest Justice Project or the Housing Resource Center or the genealogy expert or Forks Abuse or…Clowns and face-painting! (Watch: The kids will have to fight their way through…OK, maybe not)

          But, maybe so! Why not? There’s going to be a whole lot of good info in one very free place for 5 hours on a Saturday in Forks! Come when you’re ready, leave when you want – Refreshments!

          Do you have any questions or concerns about accessibility or accommodations? Good! Call Susie Brandelius at 360-374-9496 (1-888-571-6559) or call or e-mail me, using the info at the end of the column.

          Just COME ON! Have a look around, gather up some info on some things that could change your life – Or your Mom’s life. Got some worries, but you’re not exactly sure what you’re looking for, because you’re not exactly sure what would help? I get it, so just come on over and let’s talk it over and try to figure it out.

          Are you somebody who’s taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether you (or they) like it or not? OK – You might be surprised at what’s out there to support you.

Can’t quite figure out Medicare or health insurance in general? I really get THAT! There will be people there who can help you – For free – Without trying to sell you anything, because they don’t have anything to sell.

          What you won’t find are any “special offers from Medicare;” because there aren’t any special offers from Medicare. What you will find are good, decent local folks who know what they’re talking about, so come by, say “Hello” and see what you see.

          What-the-heck else are you going to do on a Saturday in May? Stay home and wait for the phone to ring, and then listen to some idiot try to sell you something that doesn’t exist? See? A little face-painting is sounding better by the moment!



Peninsula Daily News Column 5-2-2013 "On 'pings', cataracts and boomers

          Sometimes, we listen to what’s going on in the world and we want to help. We want to help make all that bad stuff better. We want to aid and soothe and comfort and be a part of helping people and families who – Obviously! – Desperately need it.

          Oh, sure, some of us may be in a position to help: personally, financially, by participating in an effort, with a group, etc – But some of us can’t. We can whisper to whomever we believe watches over us, if we believe that at all but, often, that’s about it – And that can get…depressing. So we sit and worry and wish we could.

          Well, not taking care of ourselves won’t help take care of them, so let’s try to lighten-up and do what we can do for ourselves or people we care about, huh? So, a little this-and that:

          Since more and more of us are inching our way toward Social Security eligibility (Yup: Boomers! The rest of us can just smile and nod), I’m hearing that more and more of us need to know how that little vehicle works. One of the best and easiest ways to get your foot into that territory is to go to www.socialsecurity.gov/myaccount/ and just take a minute.

          What you can do is set up your own personalized online “account” that will let you see your earnings history and/or payment history or access a benefit verification letter. You want to see your earnings history because, if there’s a mistake, you only have three years to fix it! And your Social Security benefit is calculated on your earnings, get it?

          If you do this, take a couple more minutes and just cruise the Social Security web site. You can learn an awful lot about how it all works pretty quickly – Get a lot of questions answered and do a lot of stuff (like play with “what if” scenarios)! And you could actually apply for Social Security on the spot (well, on the site), so, get a friendly beverage, sit down, take your time, set up your account and see what you think.

          For others of us who are feeling smug because we’ve already managed to navigate our way into Social Security, consider setting up an account, anyway. Why? Well, did you see the part above where I said you could get an official, personalized “benefit verification letter?” That’s a very handy thing to have if you’re applying for a loan or a mortgage or housing or or or…

          Here’s another: I’ve got a buddy who has cataracts, and they’re getting worse; yes, she’s going to have that addressed, but the immediate problem was the fact that it was almost impossible for her to drive after dark.

          Yes, I know that a lot of us aren’t too crazy about that particular undertaking, but this was unusually difficult. One thing led to another, and the next time she took her car in for an oil change, she asked them to look at her headlights. They “polished” her plastic headlight covers, and VOILA! She could see the fog lines!

          It’s not an excuse to avoid dealing with the cataracts, but HEY! Help is where you find it.

          One more (…sigh…), and it’s another thing to be wary about. Do you know what “RFID” stands for? I didn’t, either – It stands for “radio frequency identification.” It’s the technology that allows us to wave our credit card or license or passport or whatever in the general direction of a scanner instead of having to submit to the overwhelming effort and indignity of actually having to slide the magnetic strip through a machine; so, the scanner picks up said signal and we can proceed triumphantly, having saved ourselves 25 seconds.

          And more and more credit cards, etc. are coming to us with this embedded capability, whether we asked for it or not – Oh… goody.

          Well, it seems that (once again) tech has trumped tech, so now the bad guys just go out and buy a card reader for $100 or so, and walk around picking up all your cards’ “pings,” which means they now have all your info and can proceed – Triumphantly! – On their way to be you. Think, “ID theft.”

          What can you do? Well, you can keep said cards, etc wrapped up in aluminum foil, and try to explain that to friends and family, or you can purchase a “sleeve” or a “badgeholder” or a wallet or whatnot that will shield said cards. Some friends tell me that this actually happened to a gal in little old Sequim, so our non-urban environment may not protect us from the ravages of progress.

          Be warned.

          I suppose another thing we could do would be to insist on paying for everything with actual money and risk toppling what’s left of the economy but appreciate the entertainment value associated with watching people attempt to make change when they’ve never touched money in their high-tech lives!

          Or, I suppose we could veil all of our cards in aluminum foil, put them inside our aluminum foil hats and present ourselves at the bank or the airport or church, pinging our way to fashion immortality…

          …and prompt institutionalization.