I’m setting out to talk about loneliness and being alone – If you can’t relate to either of those because your life is so filled with people that you crave a few moments to yourself, and you don’t know anyone who might be living under the velvet hammer of loneliness, then you might find this column ever-so-boring – But you’re into it now, right? So, what-the-heck? It won’t take long.
Anytime anyone sets out to talk about “humans” or “people,” they automatically start out be being wrong, because nothing applies to everybody and nobody feels or does all the same things as anybody; in other words, there are always “outliers:” folks who are on the extreme ends of our old friend, the bell-shaped curve.
Some of us just seem to be naturally “social:” We gravitate to people and people gravitate to us. We love it! We fill up our days and nights with entertaining, communicating, involving, participating and we often punctuate the rare in-between spaces with phone calls and/or texts and/or e-mail and/or FACEBOOK and or preventing the neighbor from getting anything productive accomplished outside.
Some of us just seem to be, naturally, “loners:” That doesn’t (usually) mean ANTI-social, or hostile or what-not – It just means that we don’t need a great deal of human interaction, relish our time alone and, with the obvious exceptions of people we love, family, pets, whatever, would just as soon be left alone to our own preferred devices, thank-you-very-much.
So be it.
But most of us, as is usually the case with almost anything, are somewhere in-between, meaning that we need doses of both, with the emphasis on the former, because humans tend to flock – We are, by nature, social critters, but don’t panic: I have no intention of launching into treatise about the development of the species or the obvious observations about how many humans does it take to throw a saber-toothed tiger BBQ, because I think I most of us have already agreed to the premise, more or less.
Good. So, what?
Well, the “so what” is that when circumstances and happenstances conspire in such a way that the result is our being a lone – A lot! – Things often don’t go so well. There can be a million reasons why we end up being alone too much, death and loss being a biggie. Or the kids had to leave home or we had to relocate or there have been medical “issues” or we became a “caregivers” (Yes, caregivers can be very “alone”) or neighbors moved or we stopped driving or our income got whacked or or or…Often, it’s a combination of several of those and/or the 987 other possibilities, but the result is the same: We’re alone.
A lot.
True, there can be a fine-line between loneliness and isolation, but we covered that ground not too long ago. And, true, depression (however “low level” it might be) can shove a lot of us in a direction that we wouldn’t normally choose, but we’ve up and down that block, too; no, I’m talking about loneliness: Not chosen, not wanted, not preferred – Deadly.
Oh, Yes! After 26 years of saving the world with magical programs and acronyms, here’s what I’ve learned: Loneliness kills.
When it happens, most of us try hard to beat it: We stick to our daily routines and “responsibilities” and rituals, try to do the “right things” and try not to “let ourselves go” and “keep up appearances” and, if applicable, tell the daughter in Minnesota, “I’m fine, Dear! I have so many books and…”
And many of us are reasonably successful at “beating it,” and sometimes for some time! But, eventually, “alone” starts to get loud – Very loud.
Because the hurt in our hearts creates that noise in our minds – Ourselves talking to ourselves – And we start making up stuff: It’s hopeless. I’ll always be alone. I deserve to be alone, because look at all the bad things I’ve done. Nobody loves me, nobody ever did, what’s the point…? I don’t contribute anything. I’m useless. Nobody needs me. It’ll never be any better – It will only get worse. I don’t even remember how to talk to people. I look funny. I’d just embarrass myself and people will laugh and…what’s the point?
The noise in our minds, ourselves talking to ourselves. Dead people walking.
Here’s what we have to do: Something.
“I don’t feel like doing anything.” I know, that’s the point.
“What would I do?” Anything! Go wander around in a store or go wander around in the library or…
“I don’t have a car.” Take the bus.
“I don’t know how to use the bus.” Learn.
“That’s scary!” I don’t care.
Go to church – Go to any church! Go to a poetry reading (“I don’t like poetry.” I don’t care).
Go to a meeting of people who grow mushrooms. (“What?! I don’t know anything about mushrooms and I don’t care!” I don’t care).
“I’m sick and it’s hard for me to get out.” Hard? – Or impossible?
“I just don’t feel like it.” I know – That’s the point.
We don’t have to pick the “right thing” – It just has to be some thing; then, another thing – We’ll figure out the “right thing,” eventually.
Because eventually, if we make ourselves do something, we’ll rejoin the world and we’ll discover that people do care, because we started caring. Think about that.
We started caring – For ourselves. And it’s not a big step from there to caring about somebody or something else, maybe people and things that we’ve never heard of.
“That sounds HARD.” It is, because you’ve become your own best friend and your own worst enemy, so you’re going to have to start listening to somebody else. You’re going to have to do something about you.
Because loneliness kills – Trying doesn’t.
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