Thursday, December 27, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 12-27-12 "Help sometimes more of a hindrance"

            In a few days it will be 2013, and that’s about as “current” as I feel like being.
            What I feel like doing is looking back to what I said last week, because that’s what a lot of you have felt like doing – Good! Let’s do it.
            Last week I went on about “help” – Dignity and respect – And negotiation.          
I went on about how we often go out and do all kinds of stuff for “Mom” (or whomever) because we love her (Really!) and we want her to be “safe” (Really!), but we neglect to negotiate that “help” with her, so “help” becomes part of the problem and she starts acting “less than” and blah blah blah – For today, the operative word is “safe.”
I’ve heard from a number of you on the subject – Thank you. And more than one of you keyed in on that word – Safe; You really do want Mom to be safe and she isn’t safe now, living where she’s living or the way she’s living or…And you’re probably right.
I’m not about to suggest that we stop caring about whether Mom is safe – That’s just stupid, and since we call this little column “Help Line,” not “Stupid Line,” I think we can safely dispense with that, but I also think there’s something worth considering – Something that might “flavor” the conversation.
Tell me the last time you, or anybody you know, was “safe.” You weren’t “safe” the day you got here! Hopefully, you were welcomed and cleaned up and fed and cuddled and kept warm and hovered-over by any number of very protective big people, but were you absolutely “safe?” No, you weren’t.
Some bad medical thing could have happened or somebody could have dropped you or there could have been an earthquake or a meteor shower…Unlikely, I agree, but possible; so, were you “safe?” No – You were just safer than you might have been.
Safer – Not “safe.”
And if most of us stop and really think about, that’s the way it’s been all of our lives, because “safe” is a relative thing.
Now, I’m not talking about reclusive billionaires with two inch-long fingernails and a battalion of underlings singularly dedicated to killing germs, nor am I talking about teenagers, who are often incapable of discerning the difference between “safe” and a pizza. And I’m certainly not talking about anyone with dementia/Alzheimer’s or any other brain-impacting condition (although, “dignity” and “respect” will go a long way toward pre-empting an unpleasant “push back”) – I’m talking about most of us, mostly “normal,” most of the time, where “safe” is a relative thing.
We’ve spent our lives making decisions, making choices, taking some chances – Calculated risks; often, we’ve done alright or gotten by – Sometimes, we’ve paid a price. But we made choices about what we were or weren’t willing to live with – Calculated risks – Because it/them were worth it to us.
Yes, I know all too well how often we’ve made mistakes that we’ll regret to the end of our days – All I have to do to know that is go look in a mirror! – But, that’s what we did and it’s still what we do: We make our choices and we take our chances. It’s just the nature of the planet.
So, why is it that when some of us turn some magic age or our hair changes color on its own or we have a limp or WHATEVER, we’re suddenly required to be “safe?” When did we forfeit the right (and the curse) to make decisions about our “safety,” regardless of how extraordinarily idiotic they may be?
We didn’t; other people just decided we did.
Here’s an example that I’ve used before, because I know it’s true because I lived it: Mom is a bit overweight and has severe arthritis, which bends her over; thus, getting up and down from chairs, sofas and beds is a bit more “exciting” than she might like it to be. Mom also has two small, very overweight dogs who adore her and sleep at her feet, so every time she gets up, two small, fat dogs think, “Party time!” And are all over the place! Running and jumping and tail-chasing and…
Might Mom trip over one of these manic little critters and bust her you-know-what? Or lie there for God-only-knows how long, hoping somebody will come to help? Yes. Absolutely.
Then get rid of the **** dogs, right? Then, she’ll be safe!
Well, OK, but those two fat little yappers are what give purpose and meaning to her days – A reason to get up in the morning. And they’re who keep her company long after you’ve gone back to your own busy life to be busy – They’re who’s there; so, now, in the name of “safety,” we’ll eliminate the risk.
And her “reason” and her purpose and her company. Gee – Thanks for making me “safe.”
Calculated risks. We make choices.
Look around, wherever you are – Are you safe? Could you be safer? Probably. Is it worth it to you? Why not?
Oh, sure, I know: We could all come up with a million examples and scenarios and debate the common sense of this vs. that; and No, I don’t think there’s any harm in advocating with Mom to have the washing machine moved upstairs in order to avoid those way-too-steep, piece-of-crap stairs to the basement, because, sometimes, she’ll say, “YES!” – Or, at least, “OK”…
But it is, after all, up to her – Isn’t it? Or is it up to you? Or me? Or us? Because, if it’s up to us, we’ll go do the “right thing,” which could, soon enough, become the “wrong thing” as we watch Mom begin to become someone else – Someone other than she used to be: Weak, frightened, listless and lifeless – But safe.
The spirit is much more fragile than that old hip bone will ever be.
So, I’ll say it again: Take the word “negotiation” and have it tattooed on your heart, then pray that the people who love you will do the same.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Peninsula Daily News 12-20-12 "Help sometimes more of a hindrance"

            In my world, this is what’s known as a “reality check:” Christmas is five days from today.
            If that realization strikes terror into your heart (or should!), I may be able to help.
            I may not – We’ll see.
            In the past, which for me is anytime that wasn’t within the last 20 minutes, I’ve been known to provide last-minute gift ideas for Elders to those of us who are less-than-focused. Given my infinite capacity for generosity, mercy and tolerance, I started out to do exactly that today and, certainly, I’m quite capable of generating an avalanche of wonderful ideas.
            But then I got to thinking about the “Elders” I know (and I know more than a few!) and what they’d want for Christmas, or whatever other gift-giving event might be occurring for you and yours, and what came up was apparent and universal: Dignity and respect.
            Don’t go look those words up in whatever passes in your life for a dictionary – I didn’t. I didn’t because most of us think we know what they mean, and if we think we already know, we’re certainly not going to allow ourselves to be distracted by facts.
            Now, forget about whatever it is that you think those words mean and think about you – Yes, You. How do you like it when somebody treats you like an idiot, or a child or someone who is generally incapable of running their own lives? Maybe it’s in a doctor’s or dentist’s office. Maybe it’s an insurance person, particularly a health insurance person! Maybe someone or something having to do with finances or taxes, or the washing machine repair guy, or almost anybody who knows more about computers and technology that you do, which seems like almost anybody! How does that feel?
            It makes me feel…angry. And embarrassed. And resentful. And incompetent. It makes me feel…less than. And I don’t like feeling “less than…” - Neither do you.
            And do you know what often happens when we’re in a situation where some jerk has made us feel “less than…?” We start acting “less than:” We don’t mean to and we don’t like to and we often kick ourselves ALL THE WAY HOME!
            But we do; we start acting the way we were treated: Less than.
            You don’t like it and I don’t like it, so why, pray tell, would we treat people that we claim to like that way? Well, we probably wouldn’t, if we thought about it, so THINK ABOUT IT!
            I don’t know if it’s Mom or Dad, or Grandma or Grandpa or the neighbor or an old friend or somebody you’ve never seen before in your life, but somewhere in your life, there’s an Elder; for some of us, we don’t have to look any farther than the nearest mirror, but let’s don’t get distracted by overly-personal distractions, so we’ll assume we’re talking about someone else.
            Let’s say it’s “Mom,” a personal favorite of mine. I sit with a lot of folks who are trying to do everything they can to “help” Mom, and they’re trying to do everything they can because they care – Genuinely, honestly! – So, often, they go out and do a lot of stuff (arrange for a lot of “help”) for Mom because they can see what she “needs,” and, often, they’re right. They love Mom and they want to keep Mom safe.
            Safe.
            But the problem, sometimes, is that nobody checked it out with Mom: Does she want this person or that gadget or this agency or these meals or or or…? Maybe not.
            “…but she NEEDS it!”
            That wasn’t the question.
            “We want her to be safe!”
            Me, too.
            “So, what-the heck are you SAYING??”
            I’m saying that when we “help” somebody, that usually suggests that they need help – Or we think they do. That they can’t do it alone.
            How would you feel if I suddenly came along and decided to “help” you? You didn’t ask me to – I just decided that you needed it, so here’s the “help” that, I see, you obviously NEED! Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you grateful? Aren’t you just thrilled that I was able to know what you needed in order for you to continue your pathetic little existence and be SAFE??
            No? Why NOT?
            Right.
            Now, go look up “dignity” and “respect” (I did), and let’s begin again.
            When we treat people like they need help, they start acting like they do, whether they do or not. So, am I saying that we should all stop helping Mom? OF COURSE NOT! (…geez…What do you think I do all day long?)
            What I’m saying is that “help” has to be wanted – Accepted – Before it qualifies as “help;” when it is, life can be better, easier, safer and, maybe, even longer! But when it’s not, it just makes us feel…less than.
            So we start acting “less than,” and pretty soon we become “less than;” less than what we were, less than what we could be, less than what we wanted to be, less than what we used to be – Less than.
            The missing piece is, usually, the conversation – The Negotiation! – That turns “help” into being part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.
            Negotiation. If you take nothing else from today’s diatribe, take that word – Negotiation – And have it tattooed on your heart. Negotiation.
            Now, does all of this let you off the hook for getting Mom a Christmas present? No, it was never intended to. It was intended to help you figure out what a “gift” is…
            ..and what it isn’t.
           

Peninsula Daily News Column 12-13-12 "Some light fare after open enrollment"

            Good morning, “open enrollment” survivors!
            You did it! We did it! We navigated our way through yet another labyrinthine safari through the nether world of Medicare Part D and Advantage Plans! Well done.
            If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won’t), more and more of us are grasping the unfortunate necessity of looking at these things every year and actually pulling it off, which means that more and more of us are (a) saving a little money, and (b) getting better coverage – Remembering that “better” is a relative term.
            So, with that rather considerable accomplishment under our collective belts, let’s just…pausebreathe…And resolve not to get into anything too heavy; after all, the latter half of December will take a toll of its own, right?
            Right; so let’s just clear the deck, huh? Like:
*In case you haven’t already heard, the 2013 Medicare Part B premium will be $104.90 per month. If you are one of the very few of us who is blessed with paying a Part A premium, that’s actually decreasing from $451 to $441 per month. The Medicare Part A deductible (like for up to 60 days of Medicare-covered INpatient services in hospitals) is increasing to $1,184 per benefit period. A “benefit period” starts the day you’re admitted and ends when you’ve been out of the hospital for 60 days in a row – So, Yes: You could conceivably have more than one benefit period “experience” in a calendar year, but I hope you don’t. The Part B deductible goes to $147 from $140. So it goes.
  • Some of us (OK, a lot of us) get confused about which vaccines are covered by Medicare Part B vs. Part D, if they’re covered at all – Here’s the deal: Part B covers flu, pneumonia, Hepatitis B (if you’re at “high” or “intermediate” risk) and any others (like “tetanus toxid) if directly related to an injury or direct exposure to this-or-that. Part D generally covers vaccines that aren’t covered by Part B (assuming that they’re included on the God-Almighty formulary) and, generally, the shingles vaccine (“Herpes zoster”) and our Part D plans should also cover administration of said vaccines. Hey, for immunizations covered by your Part D, check with your Plan before you go to the Doc, huh? You might get a better break by going directly to a participating pharmacy.
  • How about something that isn’t Medicare? (How about anything that isn’t Medicare??) OK, the Olympic Area Agency on Aging is looking for a representative from Clallam County to participate on the “Advisory Council,” which means advising regarding services for Elders and adults with disabilities, e.g. long-term care services and a whole lot more? Said Advisory Council meets once per month in Shelton, so mileage reimbursement and lunch is included. Maybe? Good! Contact Carol Ann Laase at laaseca@dshs.wa.gov or 1-866-720-4863. No, you probably won’t be able to redesign Medicare; Yes, you could make a difference.
  • OK, this is NOT a nice way to punctuate the 2012 holiday season! – Specifically, the “grandmother” scam is still operating (or operating again or never went away, or whatever). This is the one where you get an e-mail (sometimes a phone call, but usually e-mail) from grandson (or daughter) who got busted in Brazil for brandishing bananas (or whatever!) and said prodigal offspring’s offspring needs bail money or travel money or something. People are sending money or, at the very least, getting very upset and frightened! Don’t do this; if you get such a missive, check with somebody (like the kid’s parents) or somebody (even call one of the numbers at the end of this column) before you do anything, PLEASE! Most of us can’t afford to support the bad guys in the style to which they’d like to become accustomed, so please don’t send anything anywhere until you’ve talked to somebody, OK? And if you get an e-mail from Mr. Viffleschlitz with a bunch of letters after his name needing you to help him get a considerable sum of Ghaddafi’s hidden loot back to the good ‘ole US of A, please don’t do that, either! I get about four per week.
            Enough? OK, now just think about one thing that you’re thankful for – I don’t care, anything. Or anyone. Got it? Good – Me, too. That’s what we all need to remember for the rest of today, and let Mr. Viffleschlitz solve his own problems.  

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Peninsula Daily News Column 12-6-12 "On free meals, paper checks, and benefits"

            It’s the HOLIDAYS!
            I know this be true because tomorrow is the last day for Medicare’s “open enrollment” for Part D and Advantage Plans!
            So, what’s something that a lot us enjoy doing during the holidays? OK…what’s another thing that a lot of us enjoy doing during the holidays? Right! Eat!
            I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking that I’m going to go on a binge about over-eating and obesity and all the bad health stuff that comes from all of that and blah blah blah…WRONG! I’m going to go on a binge about not eating enough.
            Look: If you can’t afford to buy food (or enough of it), it’s tough to eat. Or if you can’t, for any number of good reasons, shop or cook or whatnot (at least, very well), it’s tough to eat – At least, very well.
            And if you spend most of your time alone, it can be tough to get excited about eating…Or shopping…Or cooking; so, sometimes, we just don’t.
            In 2010, the agency that was providing “senior meals” in Sequim – Olympic Community Action Programs – Had to cut back from providing meals five nights per week to three nights per week – Now, think about that.
            Well, a number of good folks in Sequim got to thinking about that and decided that they didn’t like what they thought about it, so they decided to revive the program to five nights per week, and they did – They still are, so here’s the deal:
            If you’re a “senior” and food isn’t your strong suit, for whatever reason, consider giving this a try. Meals are served at 4:30 pm, Monday through Friday, at Suncrest Village Retirement Apartments, 251 S. Fifth, in Sequim, and the “suggested donation” is $5. Give them a call the day before at 683-8491 to let them know you’re coming, OK? Why? Because they’d like there to be enough food for you without wasting any, which (a) makes sense, and (b) is just simple human courtesy.
            If food isn’t an “issue” for you but you qualify as a decent human being who would just like to help, you could send a tax deductible donation to TUMC-Sequim Senior Meals, P.O. box 878, Sequim, 98382. If money isn’t your strong suit but you’d like to help, call that 683-8491 number and tell them that.
            Aw, COME ON! It’s the HOLIDAYS! Food matters.
            Now, just a casual little reminder about a little something that has nothing to do with food, but it does have to do with money: Are we remembering that on March 1st of next year (2013!) paper checks for Social Security, SSI, VA, Railroad Retirement, etc are going away?
            No, the money isn’t going away, but the paper checks are, so by 3/1/2013 you’re going to have to have made arrangements for a direct deposit into a bank or credit union account OR you’re going to get your payment directed into a “Direct Express” debit card account.
            Now, the fact is that the vast majority of us have long-since arranged for direct deposit and appear to be living happily-ever-after, but if you haven’t, HEADS UP! – Because come March, you’re going to have to do something! You can go to www.godirect.org to get more info or you can call any of the numbers at the end of the column and decent people will help you, for free.
            And, as long as I’ve drifted into the realm of Social Security, I might as well answer some of the miscellaneous questions that have come along, because of one asks, ten want to know:
*”OK, since you brought it up, when are Social Security benefits actually paid?” The answer is that it depends upon when your birthday is: If you were born on the 1st through the 10th day of whatever month, your Social Security money shows up on the second Wednesday of the moth. If your birthday falls on the 11th through the 20th day, look for the money on the third Wednesday and if your birthday is on the 21st through the 31st day of the month, you can celebrate with money on the 4th Wednesday – And if you’re receiving benefits as a spouse, the money appears based on the spouse’s birth date.
            Wednesdays are good days.
*”How can I get a copy of my “Social Security Statement?” You can’t (no, I’m kidding…); of course you can! Go to www.socialsecurity.gov/statement and have at it. This is a swell little tool – I’ve done it. You can get pretty good estimates for retirement, disability and/or survivors benefits as well as making sure that your earnings have been accurately recorded (NOTE: This is just smart, because if there is a mistake, you only have three years to correct it!). Social Security now only sends paper Statements to folks 60 or better and (starting last July) to folks the year they turn 25.
            I have no idea why they picked “25.”
            Well, as long as we’re talking about “swell little tools,” if you retirement and/or Social Security is something you’re even beginning to think about (or wondering if there’s any point in thinking about it at all) try Social Security’s online “Retirement Estimator” at www.socialsecurity.gov/estimator and take your time. You can learn a lot, play with some “what-if’s” and generally get smarter, so give it a shot.
*How can I get rid of last year’s fruit cake?” You can’t – They’re not bio-degradable.