Peninsula Daily News Column 3-28-2013 "Take step back for some perspective"

          A while back we all got into quite the discussion about dignity and respect and negotiation, which all had to do with the vagaries of providing “help” to Elders who, presumably, need it. We even talked about the reality of doing nothing, when nothing was all you (We!) were allowed to do; well, what if you would very much like to do “something,” if you had the remotest idea what “something” was?

          A reader phrased it this way:

          “I’m the one without the kids or spouse (not even in my past). I suppose one goes to the kids of one’s siblings (one’s siblings are going to be just as old and debilitated as one’s self, methinks). My younger brother has only dogs. My older brother has 2 sons, who will probably have their hands full dealing with their parents. My plan is to get myself into a continuous care situation at some point…but, as I know from seconding my 971/2 year old mother with dementia, there’s a whole lot of stuff the care facility can’t do for you. Like taxes! What’s a feller to do???? Are there professionals? How does one find somebody who’s reliable?”

          Here are my first two thoughts:

1.     Don’t bet on the dogs;

2.     Would it make you feel any better to know that this exact scenario is a MAJOR concern for a whole lot of childless Boomers?

I didn’t think so.

Oops! Here’s a third thought:

3.     Are there “professionals?” Sure! There are professionals who will take care of pretty much anything and everything!

For a price; now, that’s not unreasonable, because everyone has to make a living, right? And “professionals” certainly have their roles and can be a huge part of the solution!

For a price.

Now, if we were all fabulously wealthy, we would probably just tell our “people” to go tell their “people” to start drafting 20-30 long-term care plans for us to review, and bring in two elder law attorneys and three accountants for a meeting next Thursday – But most of us aren’t; so, then what?

Here’s the nationally true answer: I don’t know. Nobody knows. That’s why it’s a NATIONAL worry!

Did that make you feel any better? I didn’t think so. So…WHAT?

So, each of us who is in this position is going to have to start getting creative, and we’re going to have to start by getting out of the “family takes care of family” box, because that’s not terribly helpful when there’s no “family” – If that’s what we CAN’T do, what CAN we do?

Wisecracks aside, remember that money helps – A LOT! Well, it does! – So, if we aren’t saving and/or investing as much as we could for another time, we might want to get serious – Now!

Could long-term care insurance help? Maybe, so look into it. I could rattle off some “conventional wisdom-type” observations about LTC, but they may or may not apply to your situation, so go do some homework – If you don’t understand what’s coming at you, give me a holler.

And remember, too, that in the absence of dementia/Alzheimer’s, the reason most folks need “care” is that they can’t do this-or-that for themselves, so the more you move, socialize, think and take care of yourself, the less apt you are to need a lot of “care.” Did that make you feel any better?

This isn’t going very well, is it?

Maybe one reason this isn’t going very well is that we’re trying to “solve problems;” now – Lord knows! – That’s my strong suit and I can solve problems with you forever! But maybe we need to backup a bit.

When most of us say, “I want to stay in my own home,” what most of us really mean is that we want life to look – As much as possible – The way it looks right now. I get it – Me, too. But maybe we need to think a bit about what’s really important to us about life as it looks right now:

*Is it getting up when we’re darned good-and-ready and eating oatmeal in our jammies in front of a “Leave It to Beaver” rerun?

*Is it the twice-a-week bridge game?

*Is it the garden?

*Is it the dogs? (…well…)

*Is it being left alone to just enjoy a book? And then another? And then…?

*Is it friends? Particular friends?

*Is it volunteering? Church? Yardwork? Karate?

*Is it NOT being a “burden” to anyone else?

*Is it…? You’re getting this, aren’t you? What’s important?

          Of course I’m being kinda facetious! – Kinda. But the truth is, if we stop and really think about it, most of us can figure out rather quickly what’s really important to us, and it isn’t necessarily sitting in this chair in this room – It just…feels like it is.

          And that’s the difference between a “habit” and a “life.”



Peninsula Daily News Column 3-21-2013 "Lighten up, growup and get up to live"

          Today’s column is designed for those of us who are old enough to know better, and young enough to still care, so if that doesn’t sound like you to you, your time will probably be better spent considering options for your next tattoo; for the rest of us…

          Considering that we’re better than halfway through March, I thought it was probably time I pointed out that it’s 2013! Say that out loud: 2013! Do you believe that? Remember when “1984” was “futuristic?? Me, too; mercifully, things went a bit…better than anticipated.

          And, in all likelihood, 2013 will, too – It just doesn’t feel like it. I understand.

          But here we are; more-or-less in one piece, more-or-less still standing (really, or metaphorically) and anticipating any number of things that we can’t control. It’s easy to worry about things that might happen to us – Geez! That’s an art that most of us have spent decades perfecting! What if…?! And then, what if…And THEN…!

          I know; but what if we do what we can do? – What if that? Don’t panic, because I have no intention of going on about “resolutions” (Why do you suppose that I waited until March to point out that we’re in a “new” year?) – But I am going to talk about doing what we can do. If that’s already scary, consider a tattoo.

          So, what can we do? Well, for one thing, we can get off of our you-know-whats and MOVE! Move around Walk around! Pace! Do stuff! Can’t get up off your you-know what? OK, then move what you can move! Bodies were designed to move, so if we stop them from doing what they were designed to do, they’ll stop doing what they were designed to do – Consider that.

          In case you haven’t noticed, this whole “healthcare thing” is getting weirder and weirder; no, I’m talking about “ObamaCare” and NO! – I’m NOT talking about health insurance! I’m talking about health care! So, we’d better figure it out, because the good, old days when we could just live, live, LIVE, then be rescued by Marcus Welby with a black bag in the bedroom are gone.

          If you’re supposed to be taking medication, then TAKE IT! Take all of it and take it correctly! Having trouble keeping track of it? OK, then get a box or a device or somebody who likes you to help you keep track of it. And get rid of that old crap, before it kills you or somebody else.

          Are you sick? In pain? Did something stop working right or start doing things it didn’t used to do? Then, go to the doctor or the clinic or whomever and say so! Too expensive? Probably, but do you think “it” will be less expensive when “it” gets worse? Probably not.

          Or are you just scared: “I don’t want to know what it might be…” I get that – Oh boy, do I get that! But it’s relatively rare that “it” will magically go away and you’ll feel great; what’s more likely is that we’ll stall and stall and then we’ll have an emergency (probably an expensive emergency!) and people who we claimed to love will get to pick up our pieces and take care of us and generally sacrifice major portions of their lives, because we were “chicken” – Really?

          If you need help with something (Money? Bill-paying? Figuring out the meds? Laundry? Vacuuming the ceiling?), ask for it! If you’re having trouble now, you probably won’t need less help later. Or if you do only need help for a little while, then ask for a little help for a little while – The people who you ask, will thank you.

          Figure out your health insurance. Oh, Good Lord, NO! I am NOT suggesting that you become a Medicare wonk (or whatever) or that you need to spend four days per month poring over your policies, but you do need to have some general familiarity with what it does and doesn’t cover – And you just might find that it covers some cool preventive stuff or a “nurse line” or whatever, that could keep you out of that expensive emergency.

          And when you get stuff from Medicare or your MediGap or your health insurance, OPEN IT! No, I’m not talking about 19 lbs. of marketing BS – I’m talking about the real stuff from your real health insurance – OPEN IT! Look at it. Attempt to read it; then, attempt to read it again. Most of us are surprised at how (relatively) quickly stuff begins to make sense if we just read it – Then, re-read it. You’re not required to enjoy it – Like, everything else you’ve ever had to do in your whole life was fun? Oh, come now.

          Eat better. I didn’t say “eat perfectly,” I said “better” – And Yes, you do know how. Drink water – I’m serious; you’re not required to enjoy it, but you might – Just do it. It’s one of the prices we pay for residing on the planet.

          Figure out your money – Where it’s going, and why. Want to change something about that? Then do it, because money almost never changes itself.

          Say something nice to somebody and do something nice for somebody. Are you kind of limited in what you can do? OK, then do what you can do, not necessarily what you “used to do” or might “like to do” – What you can do. Yes, you can, if you just think about it.

          Make fun of yourself – Out loud! – Oh, yes. I AM serious! Look at the weird stuff you do and the weird stuff you think – You don’t think any of that is funny? Really?? Well, you can just keep it all inside, where it will just get bigger and bigger and weirder and weirder and darker and darker OR you can do it out loud and laugh at it – And feel free to invite others to join in laughing at you! You might be surprised at how quickly they’ll start laughing at themselves!

          Now, some of us will (and, perhaps, already have) set achievable goals – With timelines! – And clear, behavioral and verifiable outcomes – WOW! Great! But some of us won’t – We just…won’t.

          But what some of us can do is lighten up, grow up and take some responsibility for our own stuff, because it’s 2013 – Because when you wake up tomorrow, it won’t be yesterday. It never was.

          Happy New Year!



Peninsula Daily News Column 3-14-2013 "Help is just a call/email/visit away"

          Here’s a question that I get asked fairly regularly: “What do you actually do?” – Which is an absolutely reasonable question; regrettably, that doesn’t guarantee a reasonable answer, but I’ll try.

          People see a column in the PENINSULA DAILY NEWS and think, “Oh, he writes a column for the PDN.” OK.

          Or they hear a radio show on KONP and think, “Oh, he does a radio show on KONP.” OK.

          Or people see me at the post office and think, “Oh, he gets mail…” Well, yeah…

          What I really do is work with “Information & Assistance.” It used to be called “Senior Information & Assistance,” but then we changed it because we noticed that not everybody with a question was 60 or better. Let’s back up.

          It’s our job to know everything there is to know about every program, service or resource that could possibly have anything to with anybody 60+ (…right…), and then to provide any level of assistance that anyone 60+ could possibly need to access or understand that program, service or resource. Did that help?

          We’re “guides” – I’m a guide. It’s my job to help you know or find whatever it is you need to know or find in order to be reasonably OK, most of the time, and to “remain independent in your own home.” So, that’s why I go on about Medicare, for instance, or Medicaid (which is totally different) or caregiving or Social Security or Durable Powers of Attorney or advance directives or or or…Get it?

          Now, can I guarantee that I/we have the magic answer to everything, so all you have to do is call any of the numbers at the end of this column and Voila! – All is solved, all is well and all is right with the world? Of course not! This is America, planet Earth – Life doesn’t work that way! But I’ll tell you this: Ignorance (not stupidity – Ignorance) and isolation do more people more harm than anything else you care to name, politics included.

          Let’s try an example: Mom has been in the hospital for hip surgery and is going to need some help at home, for a while, and you’re trying to bust her out on Discharge Day. Mom is saying, sweetly, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” The discharge planner comes in, and says to all of you,” Ktyo plfzz hmewsr pt lkksm ewqalmms…,” just for openers. Mom says, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

          So, you get Mom out of there, get her home, and about 24-36 hours you all begin to realize, “Oh…DEAR! This is going to be TOUGH! What did that discharge planner say?” Right. We can help you understand it, so you can decide what to do – Or not do. And what else might be out there that could help. Think, “In-home care.”

          Here’s another: Did you know that if you live in the City of Port Angeles, so your utilities are provided by the City, and you can’t afford to pay your heating bill, there might be help? Yes. If you’re combined household income was $3,375 or less for the previous three months, you might qualify for a discount – And there is NO “asset test!” Did you know that?

          We did, because it’s our job to know that.

          Did you know that there’s help figuring out Medicare (and just about any other kind of health insurance) and/or dealing with billing mistakes or qualifying for Medicaid? Did you know that it’s free? We did, because…Right.

          Did you know that there’s free legal information available? Or support for caregivers? Do you even know what a “caregiver” is? Here’s my standard definition: A “caregiver” is somebody who is taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not. Could you use a little help?

          Not sure if you need a will? What’s a “community property agreement?” How does somebody apply for Food Stamps? I can’t afford “long-term care!” I can afford “long-term care,” but I have no idea what I’m looking for! I need somebody to advocate for Dad, who’s in a nursing home. What’s “home health?” What’s “home care?” What’s the difference? Who’s on 1^st????

          And on it goes. We’re guides. If we don’t know “it,” we’ll find somebody who does.

          Here’s my favorite one: Somebody just needs to talk to somebody, because they have no idea what they need – They just know what’s wrong, or what’s happening or what might happen – So, they need to tell their story and have somebody “think back” with some ideas, then they can decide what to do or not to do.

          For the bureaucratic wonks among us, “Information & Assistance” is a program of the Olympic Area Agency on Aging, which is not the State and not the Feds, but does get State and Federal dollars and serves folks in Clallam, Jefferson, Grays Harbor and Pacific counties – Feel smarter? Good!

          So, there is, literally, no such thing as a “dumb question” – Well, OK, I suppose it’s possible, but most of us don’t know what we don’t know – If we knew it, then we’d know it, right? – Just pick up the phone or walk in the door and start talking. Here’s what I can guarantee you: Genuinely decent people will listen and try to help, and nobody will try to sell you anything, because we don’t have anything to sell.

          If you’re big on “planning,” circle May 3^rd on your calendar, because we’re throwing a “Staying Independent Fair” at the Port Angeles Senior Center and we’ll all be all over the place, but we’ll talk about that some more, as it gets closer.

          Nothing we do will cost you anything; now, we may give you an idea that you decide to act on that could cost you something (you do know what planet you’re on, right?), but not for what we do – Not for listening, or answering questions, or giving you information that you have a right to or helping solve a problem.

          So, the column in PDN and the show on KONP are just other ways of saying, “There might be help, and you don’t have to go it alone.”

          Checking my mail has nothing to do with it.



Peninsula Daily News Column 3-7-2013 "Financial papers are from Mars, right"

          It’s the last day of February, which doesn’t seem to matter much to anyone because “stuff” keeps coming up.

          Since we launched 2013, we’ve all been talking, off and on, about Elders and safety and respect and negotiation and a lot of other things. If you’ve been paying attention, you know what we’ve all been talking about – If you haven’t, I’m not about to put the rest of us into a coma by recapping everything, so just jump in and hope for the best (because hoping for the worst would be stupid).

          What a lot of this conversation has come down to is any Elder’s right to live their own lives and call their own shots, while a lot of the rest of us (i.e. people who care about them) are on the sidelines trying to “help.” “Why won’t he listen to me?” “How can I get her to accept the help that we’re glad to give?” “Doesn’t he know he’ll be better off…?” “…but I want her to be safe!”

          And we’ve even bumped into when we have to accept that nothing is all we can do.

          It has to do with freedom and personal responsibility an independent choice; sometimes, it has to do with fear – Fear that “they” will put me somewhere that I don’t want to be if they know how much help I really need, which usually isn’t that much and is very rarely true.

          One of the life spheres where this comes up – A lot! – Is money. Or just about anything that has anything to do with finances. Think about it: In my world, it is not uncommon to need to discuss…toileting – I’m sorry if that’s not exactly what you wanted to hear on a Thursday morning, but it’s true. And my experience is that it’s often easier for folks to be forthcoming about “toileting” than it is about “money.”

          This is America, and “money” is a very personal thing; Well, OK, so is toileting, but that’s universal and the fact is that we all know pretty much everything there is to know about that – But money? Oh, NO! That’s intensely personal AND it’s secret. There are a lot of reasons why it’s a secret, but we don’t have enough space in this newspaper to climb all over that! And I’ll bet you real good money that if you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that you do the same thing.

          So do I. So what?

          Well, sometimes this financial stuff can get pretty complicated. Maybe an Elder made an investment along the way, or bought a product – Or bought several! – That seemed like good, long-term planning at the time and, in all likelihood, it was. But here we are, 15 or 40 years later; and maybe we don’t have quite as much energy or maybe there are quite a few more medications or maybe we have this-or-that condition or diagnosis or maybe we just forgot about the darn thing, then something comes in the mail.

          Something that is, often, utterly incomprehensible.

          “Universal life” policies are a great example; now, there’s nothing “wrong” with universal life policies – Or illegal or unethical or whatever – But they are “complicated” (at least, for many of us). So, you got one of these 25 years ago and over time, because you’re a human being who doesn’t do this stuff all day long, you’ve “simplified” it: I pay money and I get life insurance (in case I die) and at the same time I’m building up a nest-egg, in case I don’t die.

          Well, kinda, but the point here isn’t to dissect universal life policies; the point is to go back to the part where something incomprehensible showed up in the mail and you don’t really get what it means (because it’s written in Martian) but you know what you decided to understand and remember 24.5 years ago and you don’t really have the energy or the inclination to devote a lot of energy and inclination to trying to figure it out, so you put it “over there.”

          And there it stays, until something happens – And “something” is almost never good.

          Look: I know people in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who aren’t very good at this stuff. So, what many of us do at a time like this is to jump into it with both feet and try to figure it out OR we go find somebody who knows what-the-heck this incomprehensible thing means, so can help us figure out what-the-heck to do. OK, so why doesn’t someone in their 80’s do the very same thing?

          You know why and so do I. And so do they, so from here on, let me just talk to them – Elders, OK?

          Look, guys: Most of us have helped other people, one way or another, most of our lives – Maybe it was a “little” thing, maybe it was a “BIG” thing, maybe it took an hour and maybe it took weeks and months and years. We did that because (a) we’re decent human beings, and (b) somebody needed that help and we were able to provide it.

          And we usually remember those times fondly, because what we did made us feel good about us – We helped - Genuinely, sincerely, and then we moved on. Somebody was better off because of something we did. It’s one of the nicer aspects of being a human on Earth. Helping.

          So, ask somebody for help with that utterly incomprehensible thing. I know that isn’t always easy to do, because it can make us feel “less than” – “Stupid” – “Weak” – Old. But none of that is true. We haven’t gotten to here on a solo flight, so nothing has really changed, except our own willingness to be brave. To have the courage to ask for, and accept, help. You probably would have done it when you were 40, so why not now?

          Right; besides, most financial stuff really is written in Martian, and most of us flunked that in high school.