Peninsula Daily News Column 8-30--2012 "'Small stuff' can make big difference"

            Being the adventurous type, I often “WOW!” myself with exotic programs, unpronounceable acronyms and cutting-edge services, but sometimes I have to declare a brief hiatus from leading the way for humanity and remember that it’s all about the “small stuff.”

            Oh, yes it is – The “small stuff” – Because, in my inter-galactic experience, it’s often the BIG STUFF that takes care of itself, but the small stuff…

            And it’s often the “small stuff” that keeps a lot of us going, those “little” good things that have been around for so long that we sort of forget about them because they aren’t in the news or screaming at us or just generally forcing themselves into our already-cluttered, collective consciousness – They just go on, helping people.

            Like “Project Lifesaver:” If you’re a caregiver for anyone with cognitive issues (Alzheimer’s, autism, whatever) you know as well as I do that one of the scariest things in your life – If not the scariest! – Is if/when your person wanders. You get cold all over and your stomach knots up and it gets harder and harder to think and you run faster and faster and you know you’re getting a little hysterical, but…Cold fear.

            And most of us who have ever been through that will do just about anything to avoid going through it again.

            Project Lifesaver is a national program, but it was born locally through the Sequim Police Department, then expanded by the Clallam County Sheriff’s Office. The person wears a wristband transmitter, about the size of a watch, which emits a tracking signal. If/when a caregiver notifies Sequim P.D. or the Sheriff’s office that their person is missing, trained folks respond and use a mobile locator tracking system to find him/her. You can never make any guarantees with something like this, but the national average search time is 30 minutes.

            Wow! For $50? You bet!

            The caregiver will have to fill out the application (get comfortable, because it’s LONG – Well…), have a recent photo of your person or bring him/her in to have one taken, bring the unit in every month for charging (free) and call the applicable agency RIGHT NOW if your person goes missing. Feel your stomach loosening up? Good.

            Yes, it’s another thing to do – So it goes. You can download the applications at the Sequim PD web site or call them at 683-7227. A little further west, go to http://www.clallam.net/Sheriff/projectlifesaver,html or call Lorraine Shore at 417-2376. And while you’re at it, feel free to thank them and the UNPAID volunteers that make this happen.

            By the way, the Clallam Sheriff’s Department also participates in the “911 Cell Phone Bank.” The deal here is that they accept old cell phones, get them reconditioned to call ONLY 911 anywhere in Clallam County and distribute them free to folks who qualify, like Elders, people who live alone, victims of domestic violence or other violent crimes – You get it. Now, is this a “good thing,” or what?

            How many old cell phones + their “stuff” have you got lying around, or filling up that drawer where you keep the spare batteries and the rubber bands? Right, so drop them off at the Sheriff’s office or KONP or the Sequim library or the Clallam Bay library or go to http://www.clallam.net/Sheriff/CellPhoneBankProgram.html and see what you see.

            Oh, I’m told I should remind you that you can find past columns that once appeared in this very spot at http://markharveyshelpline.blogspot.com to do with as you see fit. Writing or saying things like that always make me extremely uncomfortable because it feels self-aggrandizing to me, so I find that I tend to starttypingrealfasttogetitoverwith!

            The “small stuff,” he said; well, if the Elder in question hadn’t been as sharp as she is, this wouldn’t have been very “small” for her! Listen:

            She got a phone call from a man who advised her that she needed a new medical card. He didn’t call her by name, but did confirm her address. When he asked for her bank account number to be sure that he was speaking with the correct person, she hung up on him.

            Good! Well done! I hope he got his feelings hurt! (He didn’t, but I can still hope)

            Another attempt to steal an identity – To get access to the info that will allow the bad guys to sustain their lifestyle with your money. NEVER give out personal or financial info on the phone, unless you initiated the interaction! And listen to this, too, please:

            With all the anxiety and confusion about Health Care Reform (“Obamacare,” “ACA,” whatever you choose to call it), there is even more potential for us getting scammed or ripped-off. Nobody from any part of the government will ever call or e-mail you to get or confirm your personal and/or financial information – It won’t happen! – So, if somebody tries, please disconnect as quickly and rudely as possible, and feel free to tell them I said so! I could suggest a few thousand well-chosen words, but this is a family newspaper.

            OK? Remember, they busted Al Capone for income tax evasion – It’s all about the “small stuff.”

Peninsula Daily News Column 8-23-2012 "'New age' hopefully is a 'better age'"

'            I’ve gone on about how loneliness can kill or, at least, mess us up and make things harder. That isn’t news and it isn’t meant to be, but I’ve used it as a way of beseeching you (Us!) to get off of our you-know-whats and DO SOMETHING! By the way, if you haven’t “done anything” yet, today is your next great opportunity!

            Loneliness kills – Yeah, we probably knew that. Then you can throw in the part about depression, which isn’t all that unusual among those of us who have enough experience to actually call it “experience.” And then you can throw in how incredibly complicated life has become!

            No, you’re not imagining it. Just the other day I had a buddy, who happens to be a retired health care professional, tell me that, anymore, you just about have to be “anal” about managing your health and your diet and your exercise and your medications and whatever else – Not to mention your health insurance! – Because health insurance doesn’t like to pay for health care and a lot of people don’t like to pay for health insurance – Especially, yours! – So, there’s more and more pressure to…manage it!

            He’s right.

            Then you can throw in retirement, if you’ve retired, or you can throw in retirement if you’ve realized there’s no hope of retirement – Or you don’t want to, or you don’t know what you’d do, or…

            …you couldn’t afford to, anyway, because you can’t afford to do anything, anyway, so you wish you hadn’t retired, or…

            …then the kids took their kids (Your grandchildren! Who do they think they are?!) and relocated to Atlanta! Atlanta? And here we sit. And sit. And sit.

            Maybe. Not all of us, certainly, and not all of the time, but some of us, some of the time, or a lot of us, maybe – Sometimes. But almost every one of us is nodding about something I said above.

            I am.

            So, hopefully, we do SOMETHING! We don’t just sit there and watch the walls get closer together – We do, SOMETHING! And do you know what one of the things we sometimes do, is? Yeah, you do: We drink.

            Maybe you don’t, maybe I don’t, but many do. I’m just going to ignore Washington’s latest foray into the Wonderful World of the Private Sector, who can, no doubt, handle liquor distribution MUCH better than the government, because I don’t really get it and I don’t really care.

            What I do care about is losing cohorts to alcohol when I need all the help I can get – And so do you. We need all the time, energy, creativity and experience that we can muster to help figure out what will clearly be a “new age” – New ways of living, thinking and financing – So it will, hopefully, be a “better age.”

            I get how it could easily go: Boredom, loneliness, too much time, too little money, uselessness, maybe don’t feel so good – It wouldn’t be tough for a few drinks to help you get through the day – Any day – Especially if having a drink now and then is normal.

            And for many people, it is normal: They enjoy a drink with whomever and go about their lives – End of story. God love you.

            But for some of us, particularly those of us who might be hassling with depression (whether we know it or admit it, or not) a drink could become a “special” friend – And the more “friends” the better, right? And the days and the nights go by a little quicker, a little easier – Until they don’t.

            Because it isn’t a problem until it’s a problem; but when it’s a problem, it’s a PROBLEM! And most of us don’t need another one.

            And pretty soon there are medical problems (just for openers), so we’re back into health care which means we’re back into health insurance and almost nothing “good” happens.

            Am I trying to talk us all into giving up all alcohol forever? Me? Not likely; all I’m saying is that “we,” this society, this community, need all of the wisdom and expertise we can get these days, and it won’t help if we lose valuable people to a bottle. I’m not talking about people with plain-brown-wrappers-sitting-under-a-bridge – I’m talking about just getting through the day. But you knew that, didn’t you? Because you’ve seen it, or you do see it, or maybe you’ve been “there;” if you have, you know there’s a way.

            And for a lot of people, it’s just a matter of saying, “WHOA!” and getting on top of it and getting back to life!

            Wondering? Or wondering about somebody you know or care about? Or live with? OK, here are some easy places to go to learn a little more:

*”Aging, Medications and Alcohol” – http://store.samhsa.gov/product/Aging-Medicines-and-Alcohol/SMA08-3619

*”Older Adults and Alcohol” – http://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/older-adults-and-alcohol

*”Age Page: Alcohol Use in Older People” – http://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/alcohol-use-older-people

            If everything is fine, then everything is fine, so go back to whatever you were doing before I interrupted you. If everything isn’t fine, it could be – It can be – If we just stick together.

            And tell the truth.

Peninsula Daily News Column 8-16-2012 "Job of looking out for yourself never ends"

            A while back, while I was deep in the midst of whatever it was that I was deep in the midst of, I made the observations that “…there is no substitute for going to the ‘pro’s’ who deal with your particular concerns all day, every day to get the real scoop!” Oh, I know! I was going on about cool gadgets that could make our lives a little easier, then took the concept a bit further to “universal design,” etc, so referenced “going to the pro’s!” Good idea, Mark!

            Well, it is a good idea: Once you know what you’re looking for, more-or-less, it does make sense to get with folks who specialize in that particular thing/service/facility/subject – Once you know what you’re looking for. Folks like me are “generalists,” more-or-less: Folks like me need to help folks like you understand what’s out there and why you care (if you do) then, if applicable and relevant, you can “go to the pro’s” to get “it” done your way – More-or-less.

            OK, good. But have you noticed that there seem to be more and more…pro’s? The whole world finally caught up with the rest of us and figured out that there are more and more of “us” on a daily basis – Elders and/or aging Boomers and/or folks who are old enough to know better and young enough to begin to care. And when there are a lot of people who are trying to deal with a lot of concerns in a world that was more-than-a-bit confusing in the first place (“Aging in America”), what do you get?

            Right! LOTS of people who will be HAPPY to help you do IT for MONEY!

            Everywhere, if you start paying attention! People like me and financial people holding seminars and “care managers” and “coaches” and “downsizers” and “senior specialists” and…Services that will help you find the “…perfect place for Mom…” or a pre-vetted plumber or just the right ramp or a will by e-mail! Amazing technology that keeps an eye on Dad, while you keep an eye on the technology!

            So…who keeps an eye on you?

            Attorneys and planners and counselors, oh my! Package deals! Help sell a place, help buy a place, help sort the stuff, move the stuff or trash the stuff – Or just be able to afford to change nothing! Just call…US!

            Wow! It’s enough to make your head spin, if it wasn’t spinning already from just trying to figure out “aging in America!” I didn’t even know that I NEEDED all these people!

            Maybe you don’t.

            Like all the other hype that surrounds us on a moment-to-moment basis, like politics or toilet paper, sometimes we have to just turn it off, sit down and think for a minute: “Do I really need that?” Do I really want that?” Do I even really know what that even is?”

            There ya go – Just think, for a minute; now, are all these people trying to scam you? No! I’m a big (well, medium-sized) proponent of “care managers,” particularly when long-distance caregiving is involved. I’ve seen “coaches” help folks successfully work through some pretty tough dilemmas and I’ve seen “downsizers” and “anti-clutter” folks be God-sends! You name it, and I’ve seen it succeed and probably referred people to IT.

            You name it, and I’ve seen it fail miserably, or even “exploit” people – Not rising to the level of “fraud” or “scam,” but certainly selling something that someone didn’t want or need, or didn’t even know they were buying. You name IT, and I’ve seen IT go both ways, and probably up, down and sideways.

            So, what do we do? Throw up our hands and give up? Wait a minute:

            What did we think? Did we think that just because we could sport a few gray hairs or walk with a few aches and pains or remember black-and-white TV, that everybody was going to start being nice to us? Or absolutely honest? Or never take advantage of us? Or only sell us things we genuinely needed and could afford? Really?

            Did we think that everyone who had figured out how to be polite and gracious, seemed to understand us and could use words that we relate to and understand was always acting 100% in our best interests? We did?

            Did we think that everyone who seemed to more about something than we did was a “pro?”

            Did we really think we were going to get something for nothing? Really? Please!

            The fact is, absolutely nothing has changed, except, maybe, that we’re a little older and the hype is a little older; yup, we’re a little older – Are we a little wiser? It is now what it’s always been: We have to listen and think and do homework and check and verify and be responsible consumers – Just like we always have! References, references, references!

            Look, if you don’t think you “need” something, there are only two possibilities: (1) You honestly didn’t know that IT even existed or what it could do, so you go do some homework, ask around, etc. and learn about IT, or (2) you don’t need it. Period.

            There is no “right way” to do “aging” – There is no recipe and no pre-determined path. There are things we need to learn, sure – I go on about it all the time! – But there is no definitive “right way,” just like there was no “right way” to do the rest of your life up to now. We still have to think, we still have to make judgments and decisions and we still have to take responsibility for ourselves – Pretty much, most of the time, more-or-less.

            So, Yes! Learn about these new services and professionals and ideas and products and packages and stuff! The fact that something is “new” doesn’t make it bad! It also doesn’t make it good.

            And there are very few holidays from personal responsibility – More-or-less.

           

Peninsula Daily News Column 8-9-12 "Birthdays a way to count opportunities"

            Today is August, 9, 2012, and I’m in the mood for musings. That’s not to say that I have suddenly – After all these years! – Been given access to a Muse, it just means…Well, it means, I’m going to “muse,” so if you’re not in the mood for a muse, I completely understand.

            And what puts me in a musing mood? Well, my birthday is a few days away; now, that doesn’t mean that you should all rise up in a rousing rendition of the “William Tell Overture” (which has much more memorable lyrics than “Happy Birthday”) or even “Happy Birthday;” actually, it doesn’t really mean anything to anybody including, I think, me – Which is how this musing begins.

            Why do we count birthdays? Many of us just find it depressing; in fact, unless you’re on the brink of a driver’s license a ballot or a bar tab, it doesn’t really matter – Does it?

            We’ve learned to make it matter: in some carefully prescribed situations, “How old are you?” is a perfectly logical question. Doctors have learned to care. Social Security cares – Deeply. Medicare cares. And lots of agencies, institutions and businesses act like they care, but all they really want is our D.O.B., as a part of making sure that we’re not somebody else – Fair enough.

            So, from 0-21, we care. At 65, we care; but between 21 and 65, who cares? And after 65, we are well past caring, so why do we count birthdays? Frankly, it seems a bit…counter-productive.

            Are we measuring how much closer we’ve come to being dead? I mean, since we don’t generally know exactly when we’re going to morph to the next phase anyway, what are we measuring? We’re not – We’re just guessing – THERE’S a morale-builder for you! But it feels like we’re “measuring”…something: That we’re still alive? OK, congratulations! Maturity?

            Really? Is that a guaranteed fringe benefit of bunches of birthdays? You and I both know it isn’t.

            Wisdom? Maybe. Sometimes. Wiser than we were, certainly – Hopefully. Does it help to put a number on it? After all, what we often seem to learn from is…

            …experience! And we have the scars to prove it! Is that we’re measuring – Scars?

            No, it feels like we’re measuring something that feels like some sort of “achievement:” A milestone, a goal accomplished, usher-out-the-old, ring-in-the-new…Another chance.

            Another chance! Oh, that talks to me! – Another chance. And “chance” be damned! – It’s another OPPORTUNITY! A gift from a generous and forgiving Universe, with short-term memory loss:

            Another chance. WOW! And you’d darken this blessing with black balloons?? Yet another chance to try to get it right?? After all the silly, egotistical, self-centered, it’s-all-about-me screw-ups over all these years, I’m being given another opportunity??

            Wow. I’m just beginning to get it: Who I might be, how I might be, who I don’t have to be, how I could be…

            …how I want to be. And that I don’t have to lower my voice when I say, “I love you.”

            After all these opportunities, I think I know who I’m not, and who I’ll never be, because I made all those choices a long time ago, in past opportunities, so is that something lost? Or something gained? I’ve noticed that when I spend too much time looking back, I have a nasty tendency to run into things. If I don’t have to be anything that ends in “…est,” I could just be…Mark.

            Just “Mark” – With another opportunity. Wow. Another opportunity to tell my best friend, “I love you” – Out loud.

            Some years back I said something that I thought was very catchy: I said, “Aging is not an affliction, it’s an achievement” – But I don’t think I really understood it. I think I’m just now beginning to understand why we always get the same thing for our birthdays, year after year:

            Another opportunity - Because God wouldn’t have it any other way.

Peninsula Daily News Column 8-2-2012 "Saddle up the 'social animal' within"

            We are, we’re told, “social animals;” certainly, we have a tendency to “flock” and, in some cases, to “swarm!” But most of us wouldn’t argue the point that most of us are intrinsically “social” – Whatever that means.

            And most of us have heard the phrase, “Loneliness kills,” right? Well, now we have a study to point to that says that is actually true. Without going into all the details of said study, the bottom-line is that Elders who report feeling lonely are more likely to suffer a “decline in function” (meaning, less mobile and less able to take care of themselves), a general decline in their health and/or kick the proverbial bucket than Elders who don’t.

            You probably just saw the same picture I saw, right? The little, old Old Person, sitting at home, probably with the blinds drawn, getting older and older and older…And sicker and sicker and weaker and weaker and stranger and stranger. There is truth to that picture, right here – Maybe next door. Or maybe that sounds too much like you to you and this is already getting to be scary and sad. Stick with me – Please.

            OK, that’s one picture, but get this: In the study, almost two-thirds of the folks who reported feeling lonely were married or living with a partner! The researchers defined loneliness as feeling left out or isolated or lacking companionship.

            This would be the obvious place for me to crack wise about the quality of those marriages or relationships, but I’m not going to, because that isn’t necessarily what this is about. Another old saw we’ve heard forever is that you “…don’t have to be alone to be lonely;” apparently, true again. You know that picture we saw up above of the little, old Old Person sitting at home? Make it two little, old Old People – Same picture.

            Left out, isolated, lacking companionship. Researchers include stories of folks who can’t gain weight because eating is a social experience for them, and they’re alone, so they don’t eat. Or folks who need to stay on a health care regimen but can’t seem to because there’s no one remind to remind them to take a pill – Or to even care.

            “I don’t want to bother anyone” – Sound familiar? Children and grandchildren are Lord-knows-where living a lifestyle that may seem vaguely…Martian: “I don’t want to bother anybody.” So, we don’t.

            We stay home (wherever “home” is) and get quieter and sicker and lonelier and more detached, and we focus on what we CAN’T do and how bad the PAIN is, so we can’t do more and more and the pain is worse and worse and the circle goes round and round and pretty soon the pain and the disabilities become our “friends” – They keep us company. We talk to them! So, it’s perfectly natural that, on the rare occasion we have someone to talk to, we certainly talk about them: Our pain, our disabilities, our afflictions.

            Then we wonder why that particular visitor hasn’t hastened to return for another fun-filled 90 minutes of, “What’s Wrong with Me TODAY!”

            Right: The circle goes round and round.

            So, do I have a magic “program” or “service” that will make it all better? No. Sure, there actually are some programs that can and do help some folks in some situations, and there are any numbers of ideas for helping folks get re-involved in this weird thing we call “life,” but am I about to spring the FIX on you? No, because I don’t have one.

            OK, then, what are we supposed to do? Run next door everyday to have coffee with Mrs. Jones? OK.

            Call Grandpa everyday to see how was lunch and “…how ‘bout them Mariners?” Sure.

            Go across the street and invite her (or him) to go with you? Or ask some advice? Or…? …hmm…

            And as we’re thinking to ourselves how busy we are (and we are) and that we probably don’t have time to do that (and we probably don’t), we’re also realizing that we could be looking in a mirror – And we could be.

            It is undeniably true that, as a society and a culture, we need to get better at exploiting this resource we call “Elders” (OK, “seniors,” if you must). Letting people get to a certain age, or to an artificial status we’ve chosen to call “retirement,” then ceasing to utilize all that experience and expertise and, likely, time and energy, is scary-stupid.

            Left out, isolated, lacking companionship. And I’d throw in, lacking purpose, not plugged-in, not a part of, separate. Alone. Using up time and experience and health care, alone. Making friends with our disabilities, staying out of the way, waiting to get out of the way, once and for all.

            And maybe – Just, maybe – We have some responsibility here, too; after all, these are our lives. I mean, we could involve ourselves in groups, in activities, in volunteer work – There’s plenty of that these days, that actually makes life better for living things who could stand to have their lives made better. We can go next door, we can pick up the phone, we can offer to help or babysit, we could fix something.

We are not required to go peacefully or quietly. We can stand up for what we believe in, or try to figure out what it is we believe in by listening and talking and being “a part of.” And no, we don’t have to be gadget-literate to be a part of life on Earth (“I don’t even know what FACEBOOK is!”). I don’t care – You aren’t dead.

At some point in our lives, we were required to build a life. We have not been exempted from that requirement simply because we’ve attained a certain age or managed to incur some condition or diagnosis – Life does, in fact, go on, so DO SOMETHING!

I don’t care if you want to or not, or feel like it, or not – DO SOMETHING! Then, do another thing – Force yourself. I don’t care if you like it right away or you don’t – For crying-out-loud, do something! Because then, you might do another thing. And another. Or find out that the first thing you did was wrong, so this time you’ll try something different. And do it better; then, do it again. Because life dispels loneliness.

And as you’re making yourself do something, whatever that something is, and however long it’s been since the last time you did it, remember the most important word that any of us ever learned, many decades ago:

“Oops.”