Peninsula Daily News column 5-31-2012 "Little of this, that can go a long way"

            Good Morning! It’s the last day of May! And hope springs eternal, if we let it.

            Let it.

            Some of us may have encountered the phrase “on task,” along the labyrinthine ways of our lives – It simply means that we were paying attention to what we were doing – Concentrating – Not letting ourselves be distracted by the less pressing or seductively inconsequential. I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been ON TASK for quite a few weeks now.

            And there always comes a time, particularly in my work, when it’s worth the time to go back through “THE PILE” to see what I may have missed, because I never know what might be very important to somebody, so here’s a little of this and a little of that – We’ll start with a “this:”

            You may or may not have ever heard the phrase “pharmaceutical assistance programs;” it refers to a group of programs designed and run by the various pharmaceutical manufacturers that sometimes, depending upon your income and other circumstances, may help you get a particular prescription drug at a substantially discounted price, or even free. This is particularly relevant if you are (a) in the Part D “doughnut hole,” or (b) don’t even qualify for Medicare yet, need a particular prescription drug and don’t have much in the way of money laying around.

            One of the tricks with these programs has always been to find them, then figure out to try to access them. Medicare.gov has now added a new page to its web site that sorts these programs alphabetically and includes info on program eligibility, benefits/assistance available and web site and/or contact info.

            Go to http://www.medicare.gov/pharmaceutical-assistance-program/index.aspx and have a look. NOTE: You don’t have to be on Medicare to look at the Medicare web site.

            How about a “that:”

            I’m sorry to report that the Bad Guys haven’t gone away – They’ve just been evolving from one form of slime into another, and it’s another phone scam. A person claiming to be a “jury duty coordinator” (or something like that) calls and says that he or she needs to verify that the person had received a jury duty summons, because a warrant has been issued for their arrest. Get your attention?

            When the person, predictably, states that they’ve never received said jury duty summons, the caller asks for their Social Security number and date of birth to verify their information and cancel the warrant. BOOM! You’ve been had.

            And here’s another “this” that looks a lot like the last “that:”

            A Medicare client (there are a lot of us) gets a call from someone claiming to be with the “WalMart Promotion Center,” delivering the happy news that you, Medicare client, have just won a $1,000 gift card! All you need to do is confirm name, e-mail address and phone number.

            The caller then tells the person that they are currently out of gift cards (…right…) BUT, with a bank account number, they’ll just deposit the $1,000 in their account today. How…generous.

            Or the generous caller will give the person the option of entering their bank account info on the “WalMart Promotional” web site; either way, you’ve just been had, and you will spend a lot of your future trying to clean up the mess. Just say, “No!” or feel free to substitute a Harveyesque expletive.

            Are you up for one more “this?” Or “that?” I lost track, but it doesn’t matter – It’s Sunday, for crying-out-loud! Listen:

            Maybe you, or one of your kids or someone you like has been trying to get around to reading that booklet on Social Security since…well, a long time; shockingly, you never seem to quite get around to it. I know. I get it. Try this:

            What if you could listen to an audio version? Seriously! You can. Social Security has more than a hundred of their publications in audio format, in both English and Spanish. You can get at them by going to http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/alt-pubs.html.

            If that doesn’t work so well, you can always call 1-800-772-1213 for assistance.

            By the way, you can also get these publications in Braille, enlarged print and even cassette or CD. If you are visually impaired and have trouble reading a notice from Social Security, you can call Social Security and ask them to read it to you – Seriously! – They’ll even explain it to you! And you can call as often as necessary to get the info you need. They will not take your name and put it on the “We Hate this WACKO” list.

            Now, true, you might have to wait on the phone for the help, but once you get it, you should be treated well – I always have been.

            Enough? Sure. Go enjoy the last day of May, and if someone tries to shame you into doing something productive, just tell them that Harvey said that you’ve been “on task” for long enough already.

               

Peninsula Daily News column 5-24-2012 "What needs to change for 'you,' not 'us'

          This is “Life on Earth” for those of us who are still earth-bound, and trying to clean up behind those who are no longer terrestrially constrained.

          And it isn’t easy, it isn’t pretty, it isn’t quick and it’s never “clean,” but we can do this – Because that’s the commitment we made.

          From a business perspective, the worst is over, or well on its way. And because you’re working from THE BOOK or the list or whatever it is that you guys put together to guide the one left behind, this is all infinitely easier than it would have been without – Trust me.

          So, here are a few somewhat miscellaneous and definitely random thoughts to consider as we try to put all of this to bed like, do we need to address the name(s) on titled vehicles? Other titled property?

          And did we inform/work with creditors, credit card companies and various and sundry accounts? Close what needed to be closed?

          And are we keeping pretty good notes about what’s been negotiated with whom on what day about what? I know it feels like you’ll NEVER forget – But you will. Take notes, then glance at them the next morning to see if they’d make any sense to you six months from now.

          You notified home, business and auto insurance companies, right?

          What adjustments do we need to make our checking accounts and/or savings accounts and/or investment accounts and/or safety deposit box?

          Remember, you are “you” now, not “us,” so what needs to change?

          And here’s one that can be a real ambush: INCOME TAXES! That’s right, the fact that somebody has the nerve to die doesn’t exempt them from being non-exempt, so he/she may owe taxes for all or part of the previous tax year. You want to keep whatever records would be necessary to pull this off, and you want to be emotionally “ready” – Well, as “ready” as any of us can ever get.

          As we’ve been doing what needs to be done these last few weeks, some rather remarkable people have shared some good thoughts with me, so allow me to share them with you. On the subject of “tying up loose ends,” I’ve heard: CLEAN THE GARAGE! (No kidding – Think about it) and I’ve heard that if you have a houseful of antiques, go around with a video camera and record what each piece is, who it might go to and what it might be worth, so the kids or grandkids don’t haul it off to the second-hand store.

          I’ve heard that, if you have lots of hobby or craft items, like a woodworking shop or jewelry or whatever, either sell them, price them or give them to someone who understands them! Don’t leave your spouse wondering what to do with the gun collection that she might be afraid to touch or using that $300 piece of ebony for firewood!

          I had thought I might conclude all this with the story of my mother’s passing, but now I think not; no, I think I’m pretty much done with death, at least for now, and you probably are, too.

          Nature, it’s said, abhors a vacuum, and death leaves a hole – A hole that will be filled with something: tears, depression, isolation, alcohol, drugs, illness, etc, or life, people pets, involvement work, family, happy memories or some combination thereof, but be filled it will! May you choose to remain among the living.

          I was contacted by a lady who told me that, even after 12 years, she still “…couldn’t let him (her deceased husband) go.” I think she hoped that I’d have an answer – I didn’t, and I don’t.

          But as we talked, I heard a lady who was alive: she was involved with, and cared deeply about her family, she had hobbies of her own, she was certainly nobody’s fool and her sense of humor was intact. She missed him terribly and was very lonely – But “alive.”

          So maybe it’s all in how we interpret what we experience. The pain of the loss, she said, has never lessened or gone away, and from listening, I doubt that it ever will; yet, I know people who would give anything to have what she has. Is she a victim? I don’t think so. Is she just looking for attention? No.

          Her pain – Her loss – Is very real, and it’s real every day. She’s done all the “right” stuff, near as I can tell, but she still hurts. How come?

          Well, she describes a deep, true, all-day-every-day love – A best friend – Who’s gone. And if you’ve had that, is it reasonable to expect that the pain will ever go away? I don’t know, but I’m inclined to suspect probably not. Maybe that’s the price we pay for grabbing the brass ring! When something is that good, it’s bound to cost dearly.

          So, would we decline the prize, out of fear? Not me. I would – I have – Accepted gratefully, knowing full well that I’m taking my chances.

          We don’t generally think about “warm” until we start to get cold, and we don’t generally think about “light” until it starts to get dark. Maybe we wouldn’t take the time to appreciate – To live – life, if it weren’t for the inevitability of death. Maybe not.

          I’ll go my own way and you’ll go yours, but we’ll all end up calling it the same thing: Life on Earth.

Peninsula Daily News column 5-17-12 "You're not alone when dealing with death"

            Alright, “Life on Earth” has become “dealing with death” – The death of your partner, or whomever.

            The emotions will come when they come, and you can’t stop them, so don’t try, but I can, so I’m going to leave most of the “emotion” out of this and focus on “business;” remember, your best asset right now is THE BOOK or the list or whatever you guys put together to guide the other through this: Trust it, follow it.

            Was your partner an organ donor? Does everybody who needs to know that, know that??

Contact everybody who needs to be immediately contacted: kids, family friends – Pallbearers?

Immediately notify any entity that is routinely sending money so they will stop sending money (Social Security = 1-800-772-1213, VA = 1-800-827-1000). NOT doing this will only further complicate an already complicated situation, and you will end up sending it back. Remember, too, that if VA might have a part to play in a service, they’re going to need to know. You’ll generally find these folks (and many others) to be genuinely sympathetic and eager to help.

Is there to be a service? Then, you’re going to need to start getting that organized, and you’re going to need to be “in synch” with the funeral directors. Two thoughts: (1) unfortunately, bad guys read the newspaper, too, so if you publish a date and time for a service, burglars know when to hit, right? Sad, but true, so you’re going to need to have someone holding the fort; (2) funeral directors can be some of your best friends right now, so listen, ask questions and let them help you - what is mysterious to us is commonplace to them.

One of the ways that funeral directors can be incredibly helpful is by providing you with certified death certificates. You will need these as you work through the financial labyrinth, e.g. life insurance policies, banks, etc, so get several, like 5-10. You can get more, down the way, if you need them, but they’ll cost more.

Are there organizations that need to be contacted, e.g. fraternal, professional, etc? Are they involved with the service?

I’ve already mentioned a “service” several times, so just a brief thought: Let’s face it, funerals (or whatever) are irrelevant to the folks who have died. Funerals are for the ones left behind, the ones that need a way to say “goodbye,” so they can move on, so maybe some of us who are less-than-enthusiastic about the idea of a “service” shouldn’t be so quick to “forbid” it; after all, everything isn’t about us, and we’ve probably caused enough trouble already.

You’re going to need to file the will and, if applicable, get probate wheels turning. If the two of you were married, you hopefully executed a “community property agreement” which will DRAMATICALLY reduce the transfer of assets. If you need an attorney, get one – Screwing things up now will not make them be cheaper, later.

I mentioned life insurance policies, so apply for benefits, as applicable. You’re going to want to have the policy and a certified death certificate in front of you – This is America, money counts. By the way, does all of this suggest that you need to adjust your life insurance policies? Or need to talk to a financial planner about your own future? Not right now? – Understood, but make a note.

Did I say “money counts?” Look, even if the deceased had all his/her ducks in a row, it’s going to take a while for the legal and financial dust to settle, so contact creditors and make whatever arrangements are necessary; generally, you’ll find most folks and businesses to be understanding and willing to work with you (that was certainly my experience!), but you need to communicate with them.

Family members and/or friends providing funds to cover immediate needs will be reimbursed from the estate when it’s settled, so keep meticulous records of who did what, paid what or loaned to who and when.

And don’t be in a huge hurry to pay every medical bill that comes in – Wait for that dust to settle a little, too; Medicare, insurance, Medicaid, VA, whomever will likely be picking up significant chunks, so let it shake out. And this health insurance stuff is making no sense to you at all? Then, call SHIBA (Statewide Health Insurance Benefits Advisors) at any of the numbers listed at the end of this column – It does make sense to them.

I wish I could say that we’re done, but we’re not; at this point, though, the “worst” (of the business-part) should be over or rolling. We’ll finish it next week.

Last thought for today, aimed mostly at us guys, but it doesn’t hurt anybody to hear it:

We are not now, nor were we ever, as tough as we think we are. If you have a “support system” (family, friends, church, fraternal organizations, buddies, professionals, card players, neighbors, whomever), USE THEM! Talk to them and with them! Do NOT carry this alone! Most people say, “If there’s anything I can do…” because they would, if they knew what “it” was, and they won’t, unless you (We!) speak up.

Here’s the one thing we can say about doing this alone: It’s lonely.

Peninsula Daily News column 5-10-12 "No right way to handle grief except live"

            Up until today, “Life on Earth” has been about getting ready for death, and we’ve all known it. Well, today “Life on Earth” really is about “life” because it’s about what the one left behind has to actually do – And there’s a lot. So from here on out, “you” are the one who’s left to clean it up, put it together, keep it together and keep on keepin’ on.

            Because that’s your job, that’s why.

            And I’m going to come from the perspective that “you” are the partner; sure, you could be the offspring or the sister or the grandson or whomever, but I’m assuming that “you” is you, who’s been around through the whole “getting ready” part.

            I’d hoped to present a complete list of what-all you need to do, and in exactly what order, when I realized that’s impossible; for one thing, some of it doesn’t matter what order you do it in (if it does, I’ll tell you), and for another, you are “you” – And if there’s anything that defines who we are and how we experience the world, it’s death and loss, so be who you are.

            You may or may not know that there is a growing movement that involves “green” burials, what can actually be legally done at home (Quite a bit!) and, generally, some pretty dramatic departures from the traditional ways that we Americans handle death; in my opinion, a lot of it is refreshingly sane and wonderfully human and personal, but I’m not going to go there. I’m not going to go there because (a) I don’t know that much about it (yet, but by the way, there are amazing folks on the Peninsula who do), and (b) most of us aren’t “there” – Yet. So, my approach here is going to be more-or-less traditional.

            It’s happened. He or she is gone. I’m sorry. Please remember this as you try to keep putting one foot in front of the other: he or she is fine. It’s over for them, so when you cry, you’re crying for you. And that’s allowed and will be allowed all along the way – Anytime, anywhere – So, here’s the first thing to do: cry, or whatever it is you do when it’s “crying time.”

            Assuming that preplanning, if not prepaying, was accomplished, tell whoever needs to know, e.g. hospital staff, what firm to contact for the care of the remains, or (worst case) call them yourself – They all have 24-hour availability, it’s the nature of the business. Here’s the next thing to do: stop.

            You’ve just done the one thing that you absolutely had to do RIGHT NOW, so just stop and do what you need to do. Some of us will need to cry. Some of us will need to call (and talk to!) the kids (or whomever). Some of us will need to sleep – Maybe out of exhaustion, maybe out of self-defense – It doesn’t matter why, so go ahead. And some of us will need to get right to work, because that’s how we deal with stuff like this.

            It’s all OK, and don’t waste your time analyzing your pseudo-Freudian motives. You just lost someone you love, so do whatever you need to do and don’t worry about it.

            Here’s something I hope you do, as soon as you reasonably can: Get somebody to help you pull-off all the detail stuff that’s going to come next; for one, thing, there’s a LOT, and for another, your emotions are going to ambush you – Grief, anger, frustration, loneliness, fear – And they’ll get you when you least expect it. That can put a serious dent in your ability to get things done; it can also make you stupid – For instance, what you hear the Social Security representative saying when you’re crying uncontrollable might be a very different thing from what you hear when you’re not, get it?

            So, if you have access to competent, trustworthy help, accept it, but remember that you are still calling the shots.

            Because that’s your job, that’s why.

            Next, remember to live – I’m not kidding. Remember to eat, remember to sleep, remember to pay the bills, remember to lock the door, remember to get gas in the car, remember to take a shower, remember to take your own medications…Get it? I’m not kidding. You have a job to do, and you’re partner trusted you to do it, so you have a responsibility to yourself to keep yourself functional.

            Here’s the last thing you need to do “today:” Go get THE BOOK or the list or whatever it is that you guys put together, because you’re going to need it, and if you’re mind has shut-down or is whirling in chaos, it might comfort you to have it, see it and touch it.

            It might also remind you how much you were loved.

            And right now, that’s worth remembering.

Peninsula Daily News Column 5-3-2012 "No such thing as never-changing life"

            Good Morning!

            So, we’ll see you tomorrow at 10:00 at the Port Angeles Senior Center for our “Staying Independent Fair,” which could be appropriately renamed the “This-is-a-Really-Lousy-Name-but-we-Couldn’t-Think-of-a-Better-One Fair?” Good! The title notwithstanding, it’ll be worth your time.

            Or how about a little jaunt out to Forks on Saturday for the “2^nd Annual Forks Family Fair?” Really! 10:00 to 2:00 at the Forks Elks Lodge, with fun freebies for kids and info from over 20 service providers that might help some us keep getting one foot in front of the other. It’s free – See you there?

Now that our memories have begun to fade, did you notice how deftly I ignored “April Fool’s Day” last month? There was something about that particular…day that just seemed less-than-appropriate for our ongoing topic; specifically, “Life on Earth,” but we all know what that secretly means.

            Come to think of it, though, that’s an interesting reaction on my part: “…Ooohh…Can’t laugh about ‘April Fool’s Day’ cuz we’re talking about death…ooohh…” Really? Why? Because death is such a dark, depressing and scary subject that we shouldn’t…Whistle as we pass the graveyard?

            Because if we laugh, Death will notice us and think, “Oh, RIGHT! I forgot about that one…?”

            No, I think (speaking only for myself) that I backed away from that out of fear of being disrespectful; meaning, simply, that there are so many of us that someone is bound to have lost someone…yesterday. Or today.

            …and I’m not willing to risk disrespecting that.

            But let’s see what you have to say, minimally edited, out of respect:

            “I moved to Sequim about a year ago and started getting the Peninsula Daily News and right away I enjoyed your column! I like your sense of humor and the information you provide is very helpful!

I have made a life journey and with NO regrets! Because of your advice, I got all of our things in order for my husband and myself. I had been assigned his fiduciary by the VA and HAD to have my stuff together. He had an accident in 2005 and at the time, he was a retired high ranking officer, 100% disabled, out of the US Army. We had to prove any connection between the accident and his disability and that took us the better part of 5 years, being denied along the way. Finally, with the help of many people he was given the deserved benefits along with back pay!!

We moved to Sequim where we were introduced to wonderful therapists and a caregiver that made our lives a joy! I took him to his 50th Reunion at West Point and we enjoyed a cruise to Alaska!

He was confined to a wheelchair and could not speak but he was able to communicate how happy he was here in our paradise. Every morning he took joy in the mountains and just the beauty of the Olympic Peninsula!

He died on December 15, 2011 with all of his family here.

I have filed the will, gotten my SS benefits along with all of the Army Benefits and Insurance my dear husband had arranged for me. And now, I have a binder for my children with everything I want done when I am gone along with insurance papers and pre-paid arrangements for my body. Hopefully not for a while yet!!

And above all...I have NO regrets!!!”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we’re doing what we’re doing.

We’ve been all about “getting ready,” right? We’ve simplified, consolidated, organized and revealed where all this information resides; in all likelihood we’ve probably also:

* “revised and updated,” meaning reworked that 19-year-old address book with the kids’ and friends’ and kin’s CURRENT addresses and phone numbers (e-mail addresses?) and eliminated information that needed to be…eliminated;

* “centralized” (see above) – 89 scraps of paper with this-or-that address or phone number and no date creates a fascinating hobby for those who are charged with notifying others of your ill-planned departure;

* discovered and remembered. It’s funny how, when you’re going through and doing all this stuff, you “find” things – Things you’d forgotten, which remind you of people you’d forgotten, which reminds you of stories you’d forgotten, which…Will continue to be forgotten unless you DO something about them. And this, my friends, is a sign of life.

So, we’ve been so busy gathering all of this info and minutiae on other entities/agencies/organizations/people, I wonder if we remembered to gather it on ourselves? Some might call this “legacy information.” Think about it:

If someone else is expected to write an obituary (which you could have done yourself, you know), will they know exactly where you were born, what high school you attended and what year you were elected Grand Vizier of the Pooh-Bah? Probably not, so give them a break and assemble this info (at least the parts that you want shared) while you’re still capable of assembling.

And, by the way, if you’re the unlucky designated obituary writer who has been launched on a Snipe Hunt for said info, try to find an old resume’ – Amazing source of information!

Alright, enough – We’re probably as ready as we’re going to get; oh sure, there’s always somebody who has one more good idea, and they usually are, so feel free to incorporate them, because there is NO SUCH THING as the final, ultimate, comprehensive, this-will never-change “Getting Ready for Death List.” Do you know why? Right:

Because there is no such thing as the final, ultimate, comprehensive, this-will-never-change life.

Be it ever thus.