Alright, “Life on Earth” has become “dealing with death” – The death of your partner, or whomever.
The emotions will come when they come, and you can’t stop them, so don’t try, but I can, so I’m going to leave most of the “emotion” out of this and focus on “business;” remember, your best asset right now is THE BOOK or the list or whatever you guys put together to guide the other through this: Trust it, follow it.
Was your partner an organ donor? Does everybody who needs to know that, know that??
Contact everybody who needs to be immediately contacted: kids, family friends – Pallbearers?
Immediately notify any entity that is routinely sending money so they will stop sending money (Social Security = 1-800-772-1213, VA = 1-800-827-1000). NOT doing this will only further complicate an already complicated situation, and you will end up sending it back. Remember, too, that if VA might have a part to play in a service, they’re going to need to know. You’ll generally find these folks (and many others) to be genuinely sympathetic and eager to help.
Is there to be a service? Then, you’re going to need to start getting that organized, and you’re going to need to be “in synch” with the funeral directors. Two thoughts: (1) unfortunately, bad guys read the newspaper, too, so if you publish a date and time for a service, burglars know when to hit, right? Sad, but true, so you’re going to need to have someone holding the fort; (2) funeral directors can be some of your best friends right now, so listen, ask questions and let them help you - what is mysterious to us is commonplace to them.
One of the ways that funeral directors can be incredibly helpful is by providing you with certified death certificates. You will need these as you work through the financial labyrinth, e.g. life insurance policies, banks, etc, so get several, like 5-10. You can get more, down the way, if you need them, but they’ll cost more.
Are there organizations that need to be contacted, e.g. fraternal, professional, etc? Are they involved with the service?
I’ve already mentioned a “service” several times, so just a brief thought: Let’s face it, funerals (or whatever) are irrelevant to the folks who have died. Funerals are for the ones left behind, the ones that need a way to say “goodbye,” so they can move on, so maybe some of us who are less-than-enthusiastic about the idea of a “service” shouldn’t be so quick to “forbid” it; after all, everything isn’t about us, and we’ve probably caused enough trouble already.
You’re going to need to file the will and, if applicable, get probate wheels turning. If the two of you were married, you hopefully executed a “community property agreement” which will DRAMATICALLY reduce the transfer of assets. If you need an attorney, get one – Screwing things up now will not make them be cheaper, later.
I mentioned life insurance policies, so apply for benefits, as applicable. You’re going to want to have the policy and a certified death certificate in front of you – This is America, money counts. By the way, does all of this suggest that you need to adjust your life insurance policies? Or need to talk to a financial planner about your own future? Not right now? – Understood, but make a note.
Did I say “money counts?” Look, even if the deceased had all his/her ducks in a row, it’s going to take a while for the legal and financial dust to settle, so contact creditors and make whatever arrangements are necessary; generally, you’ll find most folks and businesses to be understanding and willing to work with you (that was certainly my experience!), but you need to communicate with them.
Family members and/or friends providing funds to cover immediate needs will be reimbursed from the estate when it’s settled, so keep meticulous records of who did what, paid what or loaned to who and when.
And don’t be in a huge hurry to pay every medical bill that comes in – Wait for that dust to settle a little, too; Medicare, insurance, Medicaid, VA, whomever will likely be picking up significant chunks, so let it shake out. And this health insurance stuff is making no sense to you at all? Then, call SHIBA (Statewide Health Insurance Benefits Advisors) at any of the numbers listed at the end of this column – It does make sense to them.
I wish I could say that we’re done, but we’re not; at this point, though, the “worst” (of the business-part) should be over or rolling. We’ll finish it next week.
Last thought for today, aimed mostly at us guys, but it doesn’t hurt anybody to hear it:
We are not now, nor were we ever, as tough as we think we are. If you have a “support system” (family, friends, church, fraternal organizations, buddies, professionals, card players, neighbors, whomever), USE THEM! Talk to them and with them! Do NOT carry this alone! Most people say, “If there’s anything I can do…” because they would, if they knew what “it” was, and they won’t, unless you (We!) speak up.
Here’s the one thing we can say about doing this alone: It’s lonely.
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