Peninsula Daily News Column 4-26-2012 "Learn how to 'stay independent' at fair"

            Good Morning! Do you know what today is? Right! It’s the 26^th day of April, and you know what that means, don’t you?

            Neither do I. Oh, sure, it’s probably a day that commemorates something in a week that honors something in a month that celebrates something and, sure, it may mean that you completely forgot to file your income taxes, but for most of us, it’s just the 26^th day of April.

            Given that the 26^th day of April isn’t notorious for its notoriety, allow me to present a prospect that may brighten an otherwise lackluster day: The 4^th day of May! I know: You thought the 4^th day of May was little more than the day before Cinco de Mayo, but I say thee, NAY! The 4^th day of May is the day of our “Staying Independent Fair” at the Port Angeles Senior Center!

            So, enough with the calendar and what am I talking about? Well, for several years now, we’ve (“we” – Information & Assistance, my day job) celebrated the first Friday in May by pulling all of our information, resources, Clallam County staff and programs together at the Senior Center to throw a “fair,” where folks could wander around, get info, ask questions or just talk “it” over with any of us to see if we might have some ideas that would help you deal with “it” – Or “him” or “her” or “them” or…it.

            The best part has always been that if you and I are talking and I know that somebody else knows more about something than I do (unlikely, I know, but it happens), we can just walk right over there and deal with it on the spot, rather than giving you another number to call or another e-mail address or…You get it.

            It’s fun!

            Well, we’re still going to do exactly that AND we’re adding all kinds of other cool stuff! Like, a series of presentations throughout the day (the “day” = 10:00-2:00) on things like “joint protection” and “vision & aging” and drug interactions and adverse effects – And more. Remember, the name of this thing is a “Staying Independent Fair,” which I acknowledge is a little lame, but everything else we could think of was a bit too cute or cryptic, because the idea IS to help folks learn what they need to know to stay independent, stay at home and be able to celebrate the bright spots in life, like the 26^th day of April.

            I’m not done. The P.A. Senior Center has graciously turned over their entire facility to this happy effort, so we’re going to have various “screenings” going on hither-and-yon throughout the building, like dental, hearing, sleep health and a “brown bag” medication evaluation – What? That’s where you bring all of your meds and OTC’s and supplements and vitamins and what-not (or a list thereof) and a pharmacist will sit with you and see if any of those are fighting with any others of those to make you the loser.

            And I’m only naming a few.

            And, in the meantime, the “fair” part will be going on AND there will be free sack lunches, courtesy of the Senior Center Coffee Lounge, to the first 200 intrepid knowledge-seekers AND (I’m told) a “fun zone.” I’m a little fuzzy on this part because I’m a little fuzzy, but I think it has to do with “Wii” and “Xbox” and the multitude of we’re-just-doing-this-for-fun-because-we-can things that go on at the Senior Center, but just come on and we’ll all find out.

            This is free. That is good.

            So, here’s what it looks like when you put it all together: You show up early enough to qualify for the lunch, right? Then, you check the presentation schedule to see which ones you want to attend; then, you check the directory for which screenings are happening where, so you know which ones you care about.

            THEN, you wander through the “Fair” part, check-out what’s on the tables that you might want to take with you or send to your sister in Leavenworth, talk “it” over with any of us and/or get some health insurance help from the Statewide Health Insurance Benefits Advisors (SHIBA) folks that will be lurking about, go catch a presentation, then go cruise a couple of the screenings, then another presentation, then lunch, then back through the Fair, because you remembered what you forgot, then another presentation, then back to that screening, where the line was too long, THEN to the “fun zone,” looking for me looking fuzzy, then…

            WHEW! Time out! And that’s another thing that will be OK all day: Just sit down and think, or read, or talk, or eat or just revel in the fact that it will be the 4^th day of May.

            Or you could abandon any pretense of a plan and just show up, allowing the Universe to unfold before you in its random glory, awakening to the splendor of the great celestial unknown.

            Right; or you could cop the free lunch and make a run for it.

            But that seems a little rude, after we’ve gone to all this trouble.

            10:00-2:00, May 4^th, Port Angeles Senior Center, 328 E. 7^th, in P.A., free.

            And if you have a better idea for a name for this thing, let me know, huh? Hint: “Cinco de Mayo” is already taken.    

Peninsula Daily News Column 4-19-2012 "Prepay/plan for those 'final expenses'"

            Good Morning! Are you ready for the next round of “Life on Earth?” That’s the socially acceptable “code phrase” we’re employing; what we’re actually doing is diddling with death because – Lord knows! – Death certainly doesn’t hesitate to diddle with us!

            OK, we’ve taken our best shot at simplifying, consolidating and organizing – We even remembered to include medical histories in all that stuff! Good! Then, we did our best to share all this information (“QUIT KEEPING SECRETS!”) with whomever it needed to be shared with, and we’re neurotically reminding them on a semi-regular basis where THE BOOK is, because we know that they won’t remember all that stuff.

            OK! Are we done? Well, that depends on what it is you were trying to accomplish: If you were trying to get to “here,” then CONGRATULATIONS! You’re here! If you were trying to make this death-thing easier for all concerned, then No, we’re not done – Ready? What about your “final expenses?”

            A fascinating euphemism for what it’s going to cost to get you out of here: Casket, burial, funeral, cremation, headstone, ragtime band, whatever – Nobody is giving this stuff away. Now, remember, there is a huge difference between “preplanning” and “prepaying:”

            If any of what we’ve been doing is even vaguely relevant to you, then preplanning is a slam-dunk. You want to figure out what you want, how and when you want it, how much of it you want, what you DON’T want, what you think you might want “after” (but remember, there’s a limit to what you need to control), and so on; remember, too, that the family might want to have a say in some of that. Oh, sure, it’s up to you and/or the two of you, but you might want to, at least, listen – I’ve seen full-tilt family feuds in funeral homes and it isn’t pretty.

            OK? Think it all the way through, then (of course) write it down! In addition to satisfying yourself, what you’re also trying to do here is spare the folks who like you the stress of making multitudes of decisions in what will, presumably, be a very difficult time, emotionally – Second-guessing and doing, “What would he have wanted?” isn’t fun and can haunt folks and families for years. Don’t make them do that.

            Prepaying? Welcome to America! Look: Death, besides being annoying and time-consuming, is a pricey undertaking, so unless money doesn’t matter, money matters! And like many other businesses, funeral homes range from national corporations to small, local enterprises; so, prices can vary wildly. How elaborate do you want to be and how many mementos, etc do you want to have? Memorials and markers and picture frames and souvenirs, or…not.

            It’s a lot easier to do the shopping (call it what it is) and weather the sales pitches when you’re in no big hurry and going out for lunch afterward – Look, listen, then go away and think: Just because something is being “sold” to you doesn’t make it bad, if you and yours truly want it.

            OK? Got it mostly figured out? Now, do you actually want to PREpay?

            There are basically three ways to do that: (a) stash some money (pay-on-death account) in an account and hope it’s enough to cover inflation (well…); (b) life insurance, meaning regular old life insurance or through a funeral home, or (c) a “funeral trust”/buying a “plan” through a funeral home and, obviously, there are positives and negatives to each, which we won’t belabor here, because we might not live long enough to do it, so let’s focus on “c,” since that’s where many people automatically go.

            What’s the “up side” to a “plan?” Services and products agreed upon, signed and sealed. They can be made “irrevocable,” which helps considerably if Medicaid is (or might become) a factor, but that’s a rabbit trail for another day. Who’s going to do what and when, so somebody knows exactly who to call, when the time comes, and a lot of complications go away.

            Down side? Well, will what you pay now cover the costs of inflation? Will the firm you’re dealing with still be around, when you’re not?  Are there “extra costs,” or costs coming from an “outside vendor,” e.g. opening and closing of a grave, that the plan can’t predict, so doesn’t cover? Remember, the whole idea here is to PREVENT surprises!

            Do you travel a lot? What then? “Away from Home” coverage is available, but you’ll pay for it, which may or may not be a good investment.

            Which brings up one more thought, so let’s do it out loud: Are all funeral directors slime balls? No! Sure, we’ve all heard horror stories about fraud and misrepresentations and…sub-standard services but, Folks, we could say the same things about Wall Street CEO’s, Congresspeople and contractors; the fact is that the vast majority of folks in this industry are good, decent, honest people who can be, and want to be, a resource to you and yours.

            Trust, then verify.

            What’s the “best” way? I don’t know. What have I done? Oh, no…Nice try, but I won’t go there – I will, however, tell you this:

            My mother had purchased a “plan” and paid for it. When the time came, everything went beautifully (if that’s the applicable term), and everyone did exactly what they said they would do, exactly the way they said they would do it; so, is that what I’d recommend?

            Here’s what I recommend: Do the homework, then make the decisions that make sense. If there were a “right” way, we’d ALL know it by now.

Peninsula Daily News Column 4-12-2012 "Don't carry 'secrets' to other plane"

            “Life on Earth” – Planning to assure that your exit from the planet reflects what your life has undoubtedly been: The epitome of responsible, detail-oriented taken-care-of business.

            Well, OK, at least cleaning up your own mess so as not to contribute to the litter problem.

            “Simplify, consolidate, organize and QUIT KEEPING SECRETS!” We’ve kinda simplified, more-or-less consolidated and pretty much organized, which leaves…right; Now, as always, don’t panic, because I’m not talking about those secrets.

            You know what they are as well as I do, and Yes! – I certainly have my opinions on the subject (predictably), but unless you’re going to leave stuff, proof or documentation of said secrets secreted about where people will find them and be shocked, horrified or embarrassed, they are, for the moment, your business, just remember this: “Secrets” get bigger as they get older. OK.

            What we’re really talking about here is metaphorical: The “secrets” are simply all the info that your partner (or whomever, but we’ll say “partner”) needs to know to (a) get by, and (b) clean up your act after you’re well past cleaning.

            Here’s the classic example, and I swear to you that it still happens: Does she (it isn’t always “she,” but that’s what I’ve seen the most) know how to write a check, assuming she could find the checkbook? I’m serious. Balance the checkbook? (HINT: Having checks in the checkbook does NOT equal having money in the account – Yes, I’m serious).

            Maintain the car? How? What? When? With whom?

            How to call the “fix-it guy?” When to take out the garbage? Well…

            In other words (or more words), think about every little day-to-day, month-to-month thing that you do to take care of household business: Does your partner know how to do all that same stuff? Really?

            Let’s stay with the classic example: You sit down together and you calmly and patiently explain how to write a check and how to record said check in the register. Your partner asks a question or two, seems to grasp the task, so you go out for Mexican food – Then, your partner spends the next 18 years NOT writing a check. Do you suppose that 10-minute explanation will stick? Probably not, so there’s something to be said for practice.

            …and if the bank you’ve been dealing with for 22 years has never seen her, OR seen her signature on a check OR had any other direct dealings with her, do you suppose that’s going to help? Probably not.

            I think you get it, so let’s move on to moving back: You’ve been simplifying, consolidating and organizing your little heart out! Your partner, understandably, has just written all this frenetic activity off to the fact that you were probably toilet-trained with a flamethrower and has, thus, paid little attention (Remember: You’ve BOTH had a hand in creating and maintaining these divisions-of-labor, so don’t get all exasperated or morally indignant because said partner has been out of the loop – It takes two to tangle), so it’s time to rectify that:

            Find a time when you both have the time, take him or her by the hand and walk him or her through EVERYTHING you’ve done (spare them the gory details of HOW you did it, just walk them through the “bottom line”): WHERE stuff is, WHAT stuff is and WHY they care. Let them ask questions and be prepared to repeat yourself repeat yourself. And anticipate that they are going to see things or encounter information that is COMPLETE news to them! – So, be prepared to go down rabbit trails. This may take more than one episode, because there is a finite capacity to the amount of information we can absorb at any one time. That’s OK.

            And while you’re doing all this, remember THIS: They are not going to remember all this! How could they, unless you guys are going to do a complete role-reversal?? That’s not a reasonable expectation, so what you need to keep hammering home is WHERE THE BOOK (or list or computer file or whatever) IS, so they can find it when they need it, which is often in the midst of complete emotional upheaval (think about it), and be walked back through everything that they’ve just been walked through.

            We call this love.

            THEN, on an annual or semi-annual basis (depending upon the intensity of your memory about the flamethrower), ask them that question: “Hey, do you know where THE BOOK is?” This is not a test, so don’t beat them up about it – It’s simply an opportunity to remind and re-teach.

            Now, here’s how life really goes: After you’ve done all of this and you’re patting yourself on the back (which you richly deserve!) and have gotten back to just living your life (and it often happens during some unassociated activity associated with bathrooms), you’re going to go, “Oh…PIFFLE! I forgot…!”

            Of course you did. That’s because you’re a human being, being perfectly IMperfect on an imperfect planet. Finish your unassociated activity, then go do or add whatever it is that you just remembered to whatever it is that it needs to be added to; in other words, this is a “living” undertaking.

            Think about that.

            We call this love.

Peninsula Daily News Column 4-5-2012 "Once you're organized, keep it all together"

I ended last week’s column, in reference to my Mother, with, “…She did not plan on falling and breaking a hip, being taken to the hospital and having hip surgery the next morning. And she certainly didn’t plan on having a massive right-brain stroke in the recovery room – If she had, I’m sure she would have organized things a bit better (and probably have vacuumed and dusted), but she didn’t, so she didn’t.

            So I did – For weeks. And it was a small house…” In response to that, I got this:           

“Dear Mark,

            Generally I’m your biggest fan and I know your intentions were good, but your “Consolidate, Simplify to plan ahead” article rubbed me (and your mother) the wrong way.  I’m assuming you are not a father or you would have never written the part about your mom.  She contacted me from the afterworld and told me to give you this letter.

‘Dear Son, I am so sorry I didn’t vacuum or dust before I died.  And I am even sorrier that I didn’t organize my stuff better.  To think that you had to spend “weeks” organizing my stuff keeps me up at night and some of the other spirits are getting angry and me for keeping them up.  Gosh.  Weeks.  True, I raised you since the day you were born.  Fed you.  Bathed you.  Took you to school and helped you with your homework.  Took you to birthday parties and school events.  Did with less so you could do with more.  Thought of your best interests instead of mine.  But that was only for 17 or 18 years.  Day after day after day after day…24hrs a day for that matter.  But that is nothing compared to the “weeks” you had to spend to help me.  I cringe to think of it.  I’m also sad to think that it was all because of my broken hip/massive stroke.  I bet that influenced you, too.  Anyway, just wanted to say sorry.  Love, Mom’

So I think your advice is good, but I didn’t like your “weeks” whine.  I don’t think your mother is deserving of being a “bad example” in the paper.  Your mom could have written an article on how kids shouldn’t make a mess, or get sick on holidays, or forget their school lunches, or any other countless things kids do which (added up over years) takes up much more time than weeks.  I’m still a big fan.  Just thought I would remind you how EXTREMELY difficult it is to be a parent.”

So, here’s what I think about what this gentleman thinks: I think he’s exactly right. Well said, and good for him! Now…

…where were we? “Life on Earth” – I remember that part, but…

            Oh, RIGHT! “Simplify, consolidate, organize and QUIT KEEPING SECRETS!” And we’d gotten to “organize” (I’ve got to get organized!). OK, I got it – Let’s go.

            Organize: Let’s keep this simple and pretend that you’ve gotten everything into the same room – Insurance policies, safe-deposit box keys, birth certificates, passbooks, passports, blah blah – And you’ve fried two shredders (so far) getting rid of irrelevant old paper, because you’re smart enough to realize that just because you’re thinking about dying doesn’t mean the “bad guys” are dead (NOTE: ID theft is perpetrated on deceased identities all the time, and guess who gets to clean THAT up?). Good.

            Now, organize this stuff in such a way that somebody who isn’t you would have at least of 50:50 chance of understanding it without being a cryptographer; for instance, labeling a file “Enron Grange Mutual” is probably less helpful than simply, “Life Insurance” – Get it? A simple filing system comes to mind, or envelopes, or some combination thereof, whatever – Just keep it simple and keep it together. (NOTE: Once you’ve actually gotten all this “together,” KEEP IT TOGETHER! Getting everything nicely organized and then proceeding to stash stuff in other weird places because it was convenient and you didn’t want to miss the start of the “Wizard of Oz” is self-defeating. When current paper becomes irrelevant paper, get rid of it! When new stuff comes in, organize it, label it and put it where it belongs. Hey, look, I never told you this was going to be easy, and who knows when somebody might drop a house on you?)

            Since nothing is truly obvious, let’s overstate it: Is she/he actually on the checking account? (Hey, I’ve seen it happen) The savings accounts? The CD’s? Has everybody actually told all the applicable money-sources who their “beneficiary” is? Are you sure? Was it this marriage? OK…

            Now, make a list or a book or something that explains stuff, e.g. when do which bills come? How do they get paid (automatic deduction, send a check, etc)? When does what money come? How (direct deposit, actual check, etc)? Who are the agents for those insurance policies and what are their phone numbers?

            What about pensions? Are there death benefits? Who needs to be contacted and how?

            Were you in the service? Might there be benefits associated with your terrestrial exit? Where are those papers? Who gets contacted and how?

            Do you have an attorney? Does he/she have copies of any important documents, e.g. wills? A broker? Are you getting Social Security? How (direct deposit)? How does the person who’s cleaning up your act contact them?

            IF you create this kind of list/document on your computer, is there a password to get into the computer? Is it backed-up and/or printed out? Are there other passwords or PIN’s or codes that someone might need?

            …and on and on and on…

            You don’t need a degree in library science to do this, but you do need to think, work, stay with it and MAINTAIN IT!

            By the way, funeral directors (and I’m just going to use that as an umbrella term for mortuaries, funeral homes, etc) often have nifty planning documents that can be great guides to what-all to list and how, and that remind us of stuff that we might not have thought of, like where, exactly, were you actually born? This is a different matter from deciding whether pre-arranging funeral arrangements makes sense for you, but these folks are in this business, so why not take all the help you can get? Will you get a marketing hype? Probably, but business is business.

            And Yes, I suppose you could find something on the internet – I haven’t tried.

            OK, more-or-less? Now, sit down and do a little arithmetic: IF you have a partner and IF you move on to better things, so your Social Security and/or pensions and/or whatever else go away, will she/he be able to pay the bills and get by?

            If it looks like the answer is “No,” then stop worrying about all of this and START worrying about all of THAT! Because there’s nothing louder at a wake than the sound of a cash register.