“Life on Earth” – Planning to assure that your exit from the planet reflects what your life has undoubtedly been: The epitome of responsible, detail-oriented taken-care-of business.
Well, OK, at least cleaning up your own mess so as not to contribute to the litter problem.
“Simplify, consolidate, organize and QUIT KEEPING SECRETS!” We’ve kinda simplified, more-or-less consolidated and pretty much organized, which leaves…right; Now, as always, don’t panic, because I’m not talking about those secrets.
You know what they are as well as I do, and Yes! – I certainly have my opinions on the subject (predictably), but unless you’re going to leave stuff, proof or documentation of said secrets secreted about where people will find them and be shocked, horrified or embarrassed, they are, for the moment, your business, just remember this: “Secrets” get bigger as they get older. OK.
What we’re really talking about here is metaphorical: The “secrets” are simply all the info that your partner (or whomever, but we’ll say “partner”) needs to know to (a) get by, and (b) clean up your act after you’re well past cleaning.
Here’s the classic example, and I swear to you that it still happens: Does she (it isn’t always “she,” but that’s what I’ve seen the most) know how to write a check, assuming she could find the checkbook? I’m serious. Balance the checkbook? (HINT: Having checks in the checkbook does NOT equal having money in the account – Yes, I’m serious).
Maintain the car? How? What? When? With whom?
How to call the “fix-it guy?” When to take out the garbage? Well…
In other words (or more words), think about every little day-to-day, month-to-month thing that you do to take care of household business: Does your partner know how to do all that same stuff? Really?
Let’s stay with the classic example: You sit down together and you calmly and patiently explain how to write a check and how to record said check in the register. Your partner asks a question or two, seems to grasp the task, so you go out for Mexican food – Then, your partner spends the next 18 years NOT writing a check. Do you suppose that 10-minute explanation will stick? Probably not, so there’s something to be said for practice.
…and if the bank you’ve been dealing with for 22 years has never seen her, OR seen her signature on a check OR had any other direct dealings with her, do you suppose that’s going to help? Probably not.
I think you get it, so let’s move on to moving back: You’ve been simplifying, consolidating and organizing your little heart out! Your partner, understandably, has just written all this frenetic activity off to the fact that you were probably toilet-trained with a flamethrower and has, thus, paid little attention (Remember: You’ve BOTH had a hand in creating and maintaining these divisions-of-labor, so don’t get all exasperated or morally indignant because said partner has been out of the loop – It takes two to tangle), so it’s time to rectify that:
Find a time when you both have the time, take him or her by the hand and walk him or her through EVERYTHING you’ve done (spare them the gory details of HOW you did it, just walk them through the “bottom line”): WHERE stuff is, WHAT stuff is and WHY they care. Let them ask questions and be prepared to repeat yourself repeat yourself. And anticipate that they are going to see things or encounter information that is COMPLETE news to them! – So, be prepared to go down rabbit trails. This may take more than one episode, because there is a finite capacity to the amount of information we can absorb at any one time. That’s OK.
And while you’re doing all this, remember THIS: They are not going to remember all this! How could they, unless you guys are going to do a complete role-reversal?? That’s not a reasonable expectation, so what you need to keep hammering home is WHERE THE BOOK (or list or computer file or whatever) IS, so they can find it when they need it, which is often in the midst of complete emotional upheaval (think about it), and be walked back through everything that they’ve just been walked through.
We call this love.
THEN, on an annual or semi-annual basis (depending upon the intensity of your memory about the flamethrower), ask them that question: “Hey, do you know where THE BOOK is?” This is not a test, so don’t beat them up about it – It’s simply an opportunity to remind and re-teach.
Now, here’s how life really goes: After you’ve done all of this and you’re patting yourself on the back (which you richly deserve!) and have gotten back to just living your life (and it often happens during some unassociated activity associated with bathrooms), you’re going to go, “Oh…PIFFLE! I forgot…!”
Of course you did. That’s because you’re a human being, being perfectly IMperfect on an imperfect planet. Finish your unassociated activity, then go do or add whatever it is that you just remembered to whatever it is that it needs to be added to; in other words, this is a “living” undertaking.
Think about that.
We call this love.
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