Peninsula Daily News Column 8-29-2013 "Caregiving often improvised, imperfect"

          Here’s something I said in a column a few weeks ago:

          “The people who know the MOST about ‘long-term care’ are caregivers – People who took care of people who needed to be taken care of, whether they liked it or not. Most of us have been, are or will be ‘caregivers’, or we’ve at least been close enough to it to see it…” The point being that we could learn a lot about this “long-term care thing” (most of which is provided at home) by just learning from that experience.

          While I still believe that to be absolutely true, I must also accept responsibility for the fact that I probably caused a lot of past and present caregivers to have a gastric event: “WHAT?! I didn’t have the remotest idea what I was doing, and I still don’t! I’m making it up as I go along! And it sure would’ve been nice if someone had come along and sent me to Caregiver Boot Camp, cuz I’ve screwed-up so much stuff, it’s scary! Did you hear me, Harvey? – I’m making it up as I go along!!!!!”

          Here’ something that one of you said back:

          “Dear Mark Harvey:

          I read your column regularly and for the first time feel that I have something to say.  I agree totally with long-term care being an imperfect art.  You can compare it to being a parent.  My mother-in-law, a very wise lady, once said it was a good thing god didn’t let us know what it was like to be a parent until it was too late. 

My daughter called me when her first child was about 2 years old and said she had figured out something that day. She had always thought I had all the answers and was always there with the solution to every problem and it was that day with her own child that she realized that I had been making it all up as I went along.  I told her of course…this is what every parent does.  No books or lectures or college courses can truly prepare us for parenting.  Same with taking care of our aged parents.  No two cases are the same and no two days are the same.  There are no rules (other than the law and morals) or timetables for us to follow.  Things happen as they happen.  You simply make it up as you go along. 

I care for my 87 year old mother who has an inoperable disintegrated hip.  She is in a lot of pain but still manages to live in an apartment in an assisted living facility.  It still gives her some semblance of independence and me a little freedom.  I am her legs and entertainment.  Still I sometimes feel like my life has been taken over but then I realize it is as it should be and it could be worse.  I can take a vacation when I need to and her mind is still very sharp.  But when I get frustrated with something I have to do or something she has done I immediately call my daughter and apologize for what she has coming.  We have a good laugh and it relieves the situation. 

Thank you for your wise words and all you do to help everyone.  I know you have done this for many years and have much education for your job but I am sure that there are times you ‘just make it up as you go along’.”

Oh, Dear Reader, you have NO idea! – And that’s probably just as well – But I thank you for jumping in.

There are, I suppose, some of us who will resent the comparison of raising kids to caring for Elders, seeing it as disrespectful, but I don’t think that was the writer’s point. I think her point was (and is) that in both of those rather tricky undertakings, we become whatever (and whoever) we need to be at that given moment in order to “handle” what needs to be handled, and then we worry – We worry that we didn’t get it right/do it right/say it right, and that we should have done better.

Maybe – Depending upon what “right” is…

So we think we should learn more, read more, listen more, ask more questions – And we should! – We can always get better and do better, and those of us who are doing this “long-term care” thing ought to be trying to do better ALL THE TIME!

But when that next thing comes up – In the next moment! – And we don’t have time to read something or call somebody or go to some web site, what do we do? Right: The best we can.

Here’s what I can tell you about doing the best we can: If it’s done with caring, respect and a modicum of common sense and intelligence, it will usually be just fine. I’m not talking about cruelty or abuse or raging irresponsibility – I’m talking about where most of us are, most of the time: Trying very hard to do the right thing while we beat ourselves up for not doing the “right” thing.

Try hard. Think. Do better. Learn.

Care.

And remember that imperfection is allowed.