My mother died last October.
To most of you, that isn’t “remarkable” – Oh, sure, some of you are saying to yourselves, “Oh, that’s too bad” or “I’m sorry” – Thank you for that.
But for most of you – Most of us – It isn’t remarkable, because most of us are not unfamiliar with Death.
…and Death, it seems, is not unfamiliar with us.
Her death was not “unexpected,” but then, we could probably say that about anybody’s death, given the fact that most of us “expect” it will happen, eventually, so what that usually means is that it was “expected” sooner rather than later, which was the case.
As an aside, the people who cared for her and helped me – Caregivers, aides, doctors, nurses, business people, etc ad infinitum - Were, without exception, wonderful. I say that by way of thanking folks who deserve to be thanked and to give you hope by reassuring you that we live in a very special place among very special people who, with rare exception, will “be there” when we need them to be.
Thank you.
But this isn’t about me and this isn’t really about my mother, who has moved on to better things – This is about death – Now, WAIT A MINUTE!
I can well imagine that some of you, maybe a lot of you, just thought, “Oh, GREAT! That’s not exactly the subject I needed to cheer me up when the winter grayness is already beginning to get to me…!” No, it probably isn’t, so here’s my first thought worth sharing: Death happens when it happens…
…not when it’s convenient or when the weather is good or when everything has gotten done or when we have the time…No, Death calls its own tune, and that’s what this is about.
A short while back, I purposely did NOT conclude the “Boomer Primer” with “What to Do When a Death Occurs,” and I purposely didn’t do that because I wanted to conclude that whole “planning thing” with Life – Good for me.
But the fact is, Death happens. It happens in its own way, in its own time and by its own rules, whether we like it or not – And we usually don’t.
And since we put the “Primer” away, a number of you have asked about ideas, thoughts, lists, whatever on how to plan for this thing called Death, so we’ll go there. Interestingly, most of you who have asked for this kind of information are, by my reckoning, “Elders,” or at least not dancing on the daily threshold of puberty – No, you’re smarter than that.
And braver than that.
And more experienced than that.
And have learned enough about love to understand it.
Besides, courage is not the absence of fear, right? Right, so let’s do this – Adults only, please.
By way of another aside, or a thinly veiled disclaimer, I am not a “Death Specialist” – What I am is someone who has spent a lot of years watching, listening and, I hope, learning. You’ll see soon enough that there are plenty of junctures where you’ll likely want to consult specialists – Attorneys, financial planners, funeral directors, insurance agents, etc – By all means, DO SO! My job here is to give you some things to consider – Your job is to translate them into the reality of your life in your way, and you may well want some serious “pro’s” to help you pull that off.
I did.
And here’s another…well, warning, I guess: An awful lot of what we’ll talk about relates to “business” – Money, paperwork, laws, regulations, procedures, bureaucracies, tra la – The “business of dying,” if you will. And the reason we’re going to do that is because that is reality – It’s how it really goes in this place, in this time, on this planet, so we’re not going to spend a lot of time (at least, right now) talking about dying or grieving or loss; besides, most of us already know way more than we ever wanted to know about that.
No, this will be about business and planning, which means it will really be about love, so here’s the truth:
My mother died last October, and I’m still cleaning up the details.
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